I wanna be healthier

I've started my new year resolution just a few days before new year comes, that is to practise a (slightly) healthier lifestyle. Firstly, I am "trying my best" to stay in on week nights, meaning I shall only drink on weekends. I've done very well in these seven days *pat on my own back*

Secondly, I've officially started my pre-skiing training - forty minutes on the treadmill, thirty minutes in the pool. Every other day. I'm allowed to skip on the weekend if a) I'm hungover or b) I'm out. Yesterday was day one, we'll all watch how determined I am this time.

We are all hyped for Sensation White tomorrow night. They are planning to go in white - a friend's fiancee has gone as far as buying a pair of new white trousers and new underwear. I'm with you brother, I'll be in white underwear but I've not decided on what to wear. Just how many white parties are there in these twenty-four months? First it was Armin White Party, then Godskitchen 10th anniversary white party, and Sensation White. I personally like wearing white to raves hence I've actually ran out of whites this time. I'll find something to wear tomorrow.

I've succeeded in getting Evonne to go Summadayze on new year's day too, woot! Wasn't hard to convince at all. We're planning to give ourselves a couple of hours break in between the two parties. Can't wait!

Something isn't right with my laptop. My screen blacks out after a few minutes but this only happens when I'm overseas. You think my baby isn't used to the heat and humidity? I was gonna send in to get it fixed but there's just no problem when I'm in Melbourne. So how am I gonna tell them that I've got a problem? It was just impossible for me to blog when I was overseas.

Anyway, I should go to bed and have an early start tomorrow. Happy 2009 people in case you don't hear from me tomorrow. I'll definitely be rocking it at the parties.

Boxing Day 08

Couldn't keep my eyes open by half past nine. Man, I really am sleep-deprived. Have I mentioned I was having too many drunk late nights in KL? Even my maids felt sorry for me (that's their exact words in bahasa, really). So I swore to myself that I'm gonna take it easy in Melbourne, good for my wallet, better for my liver and skin.

I was deeply asleep for about three hours before the sound of cars beeping woke me up. You know what was I thinking? I thought "damn... these people must be fighting their ways to the boxing day's sale". I know, what the...? Opened my eyes and it was (still) pitch black. Checked the time and it was only 1-ish. I was lying in bed, trying to put myself to sleep again but all I could think of was to get a Vuitton handbag. This is freaking abnormal yet pathetic I've to say.

With my little leftovers in the bank and upcoming holiday plans, I don't think I can afford any handbags, or any form of shopping to be precise. I've promised to go shopping with Violet tomorrow though, isn't that cruel for me?

Merry X'mas 08

I did nothing on Christmas's eve or day and I'm very pleased. KL has totally worn me out, I ended up with a nasty cough and cold. So here I am, back in Melbourne, in my tiny little apartment, enjoying what seems to be impossible in KL - peace and quiet at home. Don't get me wrong, nothing's wrong with my family, we're just constantly busy at home - playing with Jae Ee, stuffing our faces with food, getting ready to go out, talk, talk and more talk. Or I'll be partying on a few consecutive nights until one of us surrendered.

Air Asia x was by far the worse flight I've taken, far out! The seats are so small, it's almost impossible for me. Well, I had three seats to myself and that usually allows me to sleep comfortably but Air Asia's are just crazy. It was frustrating and kinda traumatizing. I cannot bear to remind myself that I've another two trips with them.

It was good that I did a thorough clean up before I left so my apartment is pretty clean. I just have a lot of stuff lying around, like mails, suitcase, unwanted clothes and magazines. I'm in the mood for a spring summer clean this week, get rid of the old and comes the new. Where shall I start?

I get attached to a place too easily

Alright, I sort of missed my flight on Saturday so I'm still hanging around in KL. Some said I cheated their feelings for making them came for my farewell last Wednesday; I say I love you guys too much I don't wanna leave.

Having friends around who love eating makes me fat. I'm like 4 months preggar now, very gross I must say. Then I've this list of restaurants that I 'have -to' visit before I leave and when I return next month. I really wanna come back earlier in January but I don't know if I should take the offer. I think I'm falling in love with KL all over again. A place that I've lived for 23 years before my heart betrayed her for Melbourne.

Thinking of boarding the plane makes me depressed again, but I know this feeling won't last for long when I'm back in Melbourne.

I left my soul in Bangkok

Bangkok was a blast, thanks to Silly Billy. We made it back a day before the airport closed down. Everyone around us says we're lucky; I secretly wished that I'm still in Bangkok. Dr Ben was one of the thousands "Thai refugees". He was stuck in Bangkok airport, hired a private car to take him to Phuket and fought his way to an air ticket to KL. Well done! He only had one night in KL and he sure had a good time.

So I haven't been blogging much in KL. I really have no time or energy. Returned from Bangkok on Monday and we've been partying for four nights straight. Reminded me of those days where we partied six nights a week. KL-ites just don't have to get up early for work, do they? Tonight is my liver's night-off. I've decided I should let it rest for AT LEAST a day in a week. I want to do a two-week liver detox when I return to Melbourne, we'll see.

Heading up north tomorrow for some char kway teow, prawn noodle and some sun. Great tactic to skip Velvet on Wednesday night.

Mrs P owes me many many drinks

Likai didn't go to work today, hooray!!! At least I wasn't the only person who was hungover. Oh well, I woke up at 11-ish in the am and I was feeling absolutely okay but the headache struck me at about 2pm and I was in bed all day trying to sleep off my headache and I did. Man, we had 8 bottles of wine the bill says!

So Violet was right, I'm doing the same thing to my friends whether I'm in Melbourne or KL - getting them sloshed on a week night and make them suffer the day after at work.

By the way, very disappointed with Kaixin and Angela. One didn't show face and the latter left after a few glasses of 'fruit juice', booohoooo... There shall not be any Sunway/Subang for us in these coming four weeks because Angela has to compensate me for making me go to KLIA!

Because of Angela, I ended up in KLIA last night. I finished perming my hair in Mandarin Oriental wanting to get to TTDI to meet the mean girl. As usual, I wasn't familiar with the roads, I took the wrong turn onto the new freeway. I went to Selak Selatan, Bukit Jalil, Seri Kembangan, KLIA and took the usual road from airport to Damansara. I was friggin retarded!

Next week Raw and afternoon karaoke, I'm pre-booking you girls!

Queensland 2 - First day in Gold Coast, take it easy honey!

The four of us woke up to the phone ringing from the reception, telling us that we were supposed to check out thirty minutes ago. We got ready as quickly as we could and checked out of Oaks apartment with massive headache. Thank heaven for the Panadol Rapid that Olga got us, we were all chatty and chirpy again when we were in the limousine on our way to Gold Coast. Even though I haven't touched any painkiller for years, I had to succumbed to it that morning.

Gold Coast was very touristy, as it was 13 years ago when I visited with my family. The apartment we stayed at, Q1, was conveniently located at Surfers Paradise. So the aim of this trip was to relax, unwind and rejuvenate. With that in mind, we went shopping for fresh food so we can make nutritional breakfast and be healthy. Right, Olga made us some vegetarian pasta for dinner and we all decided that we should just stay in and have a good rest after a bottle of wine and some punch although it was Saturday. We all agreed.So the three (older) girls went to bed while I was chilling in the living room reading my book. The alcoholic in me ended up finishing three quarter of a bottle of vodka by myself, bleh... I was making this vodka punch that Charm and I created recently and they were absolutely divine. Tasted so good you wouldn't realize how potent that can be. That night I decided to go to bed at about 2am when the words in my books started jumping around...

To be continued...

Queensland 1 - Brisbane, Southbank, Bowery, Zuri, Press Club

Every thing seemed to be perfect and exciting when Mummy K, Sugar-sugar and I got to the airport on time and checked-in without excess baggage. Trust me, I thought I was bad with traveling light but those two women brought suitcases so huge we looked like we were going to Africa for three weeks. We were pissing ourselves all the way because Mummy and I were constantly making bimbotic comments and conversations.

Anyway, we checked-in to our apartment in Brisbane city and had a really good lunch at Cha Cha Char's sister seafood restaurant, Jellyfish. Every thing that we ordered were just beautifully, with a refreshing bottle of Villa Maria sauvignon blanc to kick-start our afternoon. Olga joined us later in the apartment and we happily finished three bottles of wines before getting ourselves dolled up for the evening.

And then... I realized I left my makeup bag in Melbourne. Oh My F-king God! You've no idea how important my makeup is to me. I can go without on a beach holiday but this isn't a beach holiday, it's Brisbane and Gold Coast (GC is too touristy to be listed as beach holiday for me). I was almost in tears, let me tell you, I was devastated. Firstly, I was already having the worst skin condition since I was 18 and feeling + looking fat like a whale because I was still not bleeding then. To make things worse, I've really sensitive skin so anything other than my own makeup will put me at risk of breaking out. Seriously, if I've friends in Melbourne with my house keys, I would pay them, beg them and plead them to get my makeup and bring/courier over.

Anyway, that wasn't going to happen. To make myself felt better, I told myself I've three chickies with me so I shouldn't let this get me down. So we were all looking pretty, feeling sexy (not so for me), rather tipsy and took the Citycat to Southbank for some Japanese and sake. We headed to Bowery Bar (Gourmet Traveller Bar of the Year 2008) for some cocktails after dinner. We spoke to some boys there and got them to tell us where is a good place to party on a Friday night...

We ended up at Zuri, the new Sun Bar that has recently opened its door. Classy and pretentious that's what it is. We liked it. Mummy was complaining how she hated the pretentiousness of others in the club, but after a couple of cocktails, she was rocking it hard with us on the dancefloor stage. We've also had the best Wet Pussies and Lemon Drop here, prepared like cocktails in a shaker then poured into our tall shooter glasses instead of pouring each ingredient straight into the individual glasses like every else does. Mummy and I loved it so much we had four glasses within thirty minutes.

That night we ended up back in the apartment drunk, noisy and messy. We had another bottle of wine in the balcony while discussing about politics, socialization and others. We sure are more intelligent when drunk let me tell you.

To be continued...

True Red Flannel Plaid Wool it says

Obama will be the next US president, wooohooo!!! I'm so excited for him and the world.

Because of some last minute major changes to my Asia trip, I have brought forward my trip to this Friday. That also means I've to get my skis and boots ready to go home with me two weeks before the initial date. So I sent my skis in for waxing, edging and tuning but I had no board bag to ship them.

I was planning to get the new season's bag in the middle of the month, like how every retailer was telling me that's the time of the year when they get them. So I was running around town like a mad woman last week looking for Burton's wheelie gig (in colours) but they only have the black one left. In case you haven't know, I hate plain black bags, so boring. I'm a bimbo, I like my board bag to be in girlie colours and print. I've always wanted something in pink or red.

Because it's the end-est of the season and new season stock wasn't in town yet, I was prepared to buy anything with a roller, and get ANOTHER new one when I return next month. Thank goodness I emailed Capital 17 trying my luck for the very last time and they replied to me this morning telling me new season's bags are in their sisters store, Auski! My car was illegally parked in front of Auski 15 minutes after I read the email and came home with a spanking new red wheelie gig bag soon after.Great things do happen (just sometimes) when you keep trying. When you're at your most desperate and when you stay positive. I'm so happy I'm jumping around like a kid now!!!

I wanna be a jetsetter!

I'm home from our girls-weekend-away in Gold Coast. It was the Melbourne Cup today and apparently the whole of Gold Coast was swamped by Melburnians who were eager to get out of the hustle and bustle. On the other hand, there are even more people who flew in to Melbourne for this national event.

Look, we planned to have a bit of fun in the bars/clubs in Brisbane on Friday night follow by a relaxing weekend from Saturday till Tuesday in the Gold Coast. I don't know what happened but we certainly weren't rested and came home feeling more tired than before. It was of course a great getaway but I'm absolutely knackered.

I'll talk about our crazy trip in details in the next entry. I need to crash now because I've 101 things to do before I go on another five weeks holiday in Asia tomorrow. These packing, unpacking, packing and unpacking again is absolutely draining, not to mention doing the laundry.

Chilli balls

I have a thing for curry fish balls, those that you get on the streets in Hong Kong but not all are nice. If I find a nice one, I'll return and get half a dozen of it. The best curry fishballs for me would have to be Y2K cafe in Sydney's Chinatown. It's so damn good I buy a few boxes of them and bring them on the plane with me to Melbourne every time I visit. Wonder if I can still do that with the 100ml liquid regulation on board now. Anything half as good as Y2K in Melbourne will make me happy, unfortunately I haven't found a single curry fish balls stalls here, except for the frozen ones from the Asian grocers. I do get them when I'm desperate.

Anyway, I've discovered something not as good as Y2K but it's almost kick-ass.

Szechuan chilli fish balls.

I took away the leftover from dinner at Dainty's on Tuesday night. This time I asked for extra boxes for the soup/oil and chilli/peppercorn instead of taking the meat only. I cleaned up the pot and came home with 3 boxes of those. I put them into a pot, reheated it and added in some spam, fish balls and teochew fish balls (fish balls with meat in the middle). Oh my god, they are so yumm... I've been snacking on them and just kept adding more balls. Even the meat in the middle has absorbed the chilli, how great is that? They are so addictive and chewing the dried chilli gives you more flavour if you like things spicy.

Oh well, that's the story of my life - I still can't stop eating.

Queensland tomorrow and I had trouble packing. So I had decided to just bring everything I assume I might need. I shall get back to my chilli balls then go to bed. Have a good weekend peeps and for those who are betting, good luck with the horses!

The Women

Caught The Women at the cinema this evening. It was pretty crappy I would say although the cast was great. It's like a really bad version of SATC, although the movie is actually a reproduction of the 1939's original version. This group of good actresses just have no chemistry acting with each other. One thing that many of us would've noticed was it was a truly feminist movie - the cast was 100% female, there's no single appearance of male in it, not even anonymous walking on the street. What's funnier was the whole cinema was occupied by female only. It's really one hell of a chick flick!

Anyway, I'm still not bleeding and I've been eating all day. Seriously the only time I could stop myself from eating is when I sleep. For a person who doesn't really take ice-cream, I had choc-top in the cinema. I'm so angry with myself. The more I wanna lose weight, the more I end up eat. So I had decided to clean the apartment tonight and it worked, for a good couple of hours I didn't eat. Sometimes cleaning can be really therapeutic, just like cooking. I washed the covers, changed the sheets, vacuumed the carpet, mobbed the floor, scrubbed the bathroom.

I've so much junks at home I don't know what to do with them. Yeah, what's new right? Those clothes that I wanna get rid of is piling up. Can't believe I couldn't make it to Camberwell's Sunday market with the girls few weeks ago. I scheduled my flight to come back from NZ a day before market day, I loaded all five huge bags of clothes in the car, I borrowed and got TY to load the clothes rack for me, but my body just couldn't make it there. Damn... what's really annoying was I had to unload all those shit out of my car, such pain - physically!

Guess I'll sell my clothes and shoes on e-Bay but can someone teach me how?

stuffed and unable to sleep

I'm not the biggest fans but I'm definitely not against her. Have you guys watch Paris for President? It's freaky stupid... yet funny! Hilarious spoof of McCain's. Check it out - Paris for President

I'm an eating monster

I've eating disorder.

I cannot stop myself from eating and my PMS has heighten to a crazier level. Besides unable to stop eating, I can't stop cooking either. Last night I made three dishes and soup for myself. I ate 20% of what I made because there was just too much food.

We had Sasa's farewell dinner at Dainty's tonight, our favourite Asian restaurant in Melbourne. We meaning Sasa and I, while the rest were Peking Ducking in Collingwood! Yeah, we have no one else to get our chilli fix with since TY and Alice have gone, while Pat and Den are working interstate.

After dinner, I had Shanghainese dumplings at Sasa's before coming home to have more balls and spam that I've added into the take-away chilli soup/oil. I was still not satisfied hence I started making bak kut teh. Man... when is this mad-arse eating gonna stop? When am I gonna bleed??

Lavish one more time!

Some months ago I bought a box of four glasses with cow prints. Eventually, I broke one, two and then three of them. I'm now left with one. So if you were me, would you
a) not care about how many has broken;
b) stop using it so the last one wouldn't break; or
c) throw away the last one cause it reminds you of the other three?

That was pretty random, yes.

I was chatting with an old friend on MSN and he was asking if I'm still partying hard. Of course I still party but I wouldn't say hard. Speaking of which, I can't believe I've to give up Global Gathering, damn! We were so looking forward to Above and Beyond, ATB and other international DJs. Because of some unexpected circumstances, Mummy and Daddy K are not gonna make it while I will have to be home for Dad's one year anniversary ceremony. Violet and Pat couldn't believe I was contemplating between going home and Global Gathering. I seriously have developed Mummy K's disease - Priorities Confusion Syndrome.

So I'm selling my GG tickets, still can't believe it! I've also missed Godskitchen this year because mum was around but according to Michele, it wasn't that great so I'm comforting myself that I've not missed much. To compensate what I've missed, I'm going to be partying back-to-back at Sensation and Summadayze. Don't ask me how I'm gonna make it, I don't even know if I still have the energy to party that way but let's just give it a try. It's gonna be fun especially when I've not been to raves since Armin in June (best rave ever).

For those who don't know, the one and only Asian night that I supported, Lavish, has come to an end after four years of kick-arse Fridays. From not liking Asian nights, to being there because my friends are there, to growing to love it; Lavish was part of my life in Melbourne. So much memories, alcohol, good music, photos and craziness we had together. It was rather upsetting to know that I can't just walk in like it's my second home on a sleepless Friday night. So the organizers had a farewell party cruise on Saturday night. It was freaking awesome, with bottomless flow of alcohol, familiar faces and those music that we loved. It was just like one last time of Lavish. Without a doubt, we were all off our faces. It was such great party.

Photo courtesy of Charmaine

Looking forward to the new series of hardcore partying after 4fronts brief hiatus.

beach and asia I'm after you!

I'm doing Bangkok in about four weeks' time, yay! This time, we're only doing street food, massages, partying, more street food, more massages and Chatuchak. I'm not eating in the restaurant!!!

In the coming 6 weeks, I'll be doing Gold Coast, Singapore, KL and Bangkok.

I've given up looking for a full time job. With all these holidays lining up till March 09, who's gonna hire me full time? No one would wanna take me for even a casual job knowing that I won't be here most of the time, pffftt! But I promise, after Japan 09, I will stop myself from any more holidays and instead of surfing for air tickets and hotels, I'll be surfing on job site. Deal!

So I've 4 days to lose weight before Queensland, and I'm still not bleeding. Just tell me what can I do, people??!!!

I'm doing it people

Okay, I know. I've gone missing and the ladies are making noise. All my time was spent with mum in the past three weeks when she visited. Not only I have no time to blog, I haven't been following the fellow bloggers' news either. Anyway, mum is gone now and I'm recuperating.

Yes, recuperating.

For three weeks I didn't get enough sleep. For three weeks my back was hurting from carrying our luggage in NZ after the fall. For three weeks I was taking mum to places and organizing dinners. I'm just not good at that, I was drop dead tired. Mum just seems to not need sleep - we went to bed at 2am, she gets up at 9; and when we went to bed at 5am, she still gets up at 9!

As I am so used to living by myself, I got woken up very easily when she's up. Man... I was a walking zombie for those three weeks. Coffee and alcohol were my vices to keep me alive. It was like mum was the young and energetic one, I was the old and lethargic one, -_-"

She's been gone for five days and I'm still recuperating. Regardless of how much sleep I get, I still feel like I haven't gotten enough. It's probably because I'm stopping coffee too as I've already had too much in that three weeks. So while I'm recovering, stay tuned!

Hello from Rotorua

Greetings from Rotorua!

I've been so busy since mum got here early last week, I hardly slept on the first three nights when she was here. Convocation's over and now we're in Kiwiland. The trip has been good so far despite the rain these two days. It was especially inconvenient for us today as we were visiting caves to look at glow worms and cave formations, and to the Maori cultural show and dinner.

Brief updates on what we've done...

I hated Auckland. Well, 'hate' is a strong word but I really didn't enjoy my time there at all. It's a half-dead big city with no heart - that's how I would describe the place. Hamilton was very charming and lunch at Scotts Epicurean was by far the best meal I've had. The coffee was comparable to Melbourne too! Our cockpit accommodation in Woodlyn Park was one hell of an experience. Mum was really excited about it and so was I, although it wasn't as comfy as I wanted it to be. I'll defo stay in the ship accommodation if I visit again. Rotorua attracts tourists (I wouldn't say visitors) with their natural hot springs, volcanic sites, spa, cultural show, etc. I love the smell of sulpher as soon as I enter the region even with all windows up. It smells like fart but much nicer. We're going to the mud and sulpher spa tomorrow, whee...

Looking forward to the remaining few days of our trip, especially Wellington. I'm expecting a lot. I shall go get my beauty sleep, nite!

johnson & johnson's baby shampoo - no more tears!

My back is fine. They said it was just bruise and soreness so I shouldn't be too worried. Good to know that this is not gonna stop me from wearing sky-high heels or doing my back and forward bends in yoga class.

My pain has actually gotten worse today. It hurt when I was sleeping and it was hard for me to get out of bed. I had difficulties breathing last night when I lied horizontally. Walking and standing up was actually the most comfortable position, weird! Anyway, as I was in pain this morning, I was asking myself if it'll be nice if there's someone at home making lunch for me and then clean up my place. No. In fact, I wish I won't have to see anyone and people won't think that I'm a wussy cause I can't take pain.

I'm sort of used to being by myself. Months ago I probably will be a cry baby sulking at home hoping that angels will send someone to baby me. Months ago I'll be too scared to do the jumps in the snow worrying that I might break an arm or a leg. Months ago if I fall off the horse I probably will be in tears and feeling too traumatized to get back on.

Today, I don't wish for anyone to baby me - I cook my own congee, clean my own dishes and swear at the pain by myself. Today, I'll jump as long as the ground isn't icy and hard and if I fall, I know I'll do better next time. And just on Saturday, I fell off the horse and I got back up straight away, I tried to tame that creature but to very little avail, I fell again and I got back up on another tamer horse this time. Not a single drop of tear but lotsa angst instead. I surprised myself.

Sometimes change can come really quickly without warning. Some weeks ago I was just crying because I fell in a club when I was drunk, didn't I? All those behaviour from the past just seem so stupid after you've improved. The process could be slow but doesn't mean there's no progression.

past the streets and I'm home

It was nice and breezy, I took a short walk from the city back to home. The last time I walked home from the city had to be at least two years ago, I remember it was the spring festival. We partied till 10-ish in the morning at a friend's. All taxis were taken as people were going to the races. I had to walk home by no choice. I was still in my party clothes and smeared make-up. Honestly, I didn't look or feel very good being on the street looking

feeling so trashy at that hour.

Tonight was totally the opposite. I only had half a glass of white and had decided to give dinner a miss. Not sure why but just wasn't up for it. Have I mentioned before that I love being tipsy? Everything just seems to be prettier, funnier and happier but we can't live life in delusion. Right, I heard you. I've decided to pull the plug before I officially turn into an alkie. Haven't been drinking since I got back from Mornington.

The walk home in the spring evening sans alcohol influence was actually very refreshing. I've walked past streets and bridges that I've so often driven on. Tonight I paid a little more attention to the lights, the tram lines and others. They seem to be the same but very different. I guess things do look a little different when I'm up standing than to sit in the car. I walked by the water below my place, observing every restaurant and realized they are actually doing quite well on a Tuesday evening.

Said hello to the Big Brothers at the chinese restaurant and they reminded me that the last time we drank together was end of 2006. Time has passed, we know that but have we grown? We've grown apart for sure, for better or worse. Then I was at the fish & chip shop lusting over some south Melbourne market's dimmies but I was a minute too late. A minute, can't people make an exception? Who is more brutal? Human or time?

I very often lose sense of time. That's probably because I haven't really need to take it seriously although I really want to. Then I ask myself... do you really wanna take life so seriously?

should be fine

My friends lied to me. They said there are hot springs in Daylesford but no, they only have mineral springs. Looks like I've to make another trip to the Mornington with mum if she insists on going to to the hot springs.

My back is making me depressed. I have breathing difficulties while performing chores that requires me to bend my body, like loading my laundry into the washer or putting dishes into the dishwasher, crap! Daddy and Mummy K said I don't need a scan as long as there's no numbness in my legs or incontinence. I think I'm alright but going to the chiro is still on my to-do list.

Gonna go for a swim on Wednesday since I can't attend Bikram yoga. I need to be healthy, I need to lose my tummy, I must find my waist once again. Let's just hope it's not too cold for me to hit the pool...

my mum has FB!

My mum has Facebook account and I'm munching on freeze dried strawberries coated in milk chocolate while my back is aching from my horse riding injuries. What is mum doing on Facebook? I've just added her but she doesn't seem to wanna approve me. Right, just WTF is happening? I can so imagine what's going in her head when she sees my 1500+ photos

a) My daughter's so fat, gross!
b) Why are all her friends lesbians, is she turning into one?
c) Does she has a drinking problem? Why does she look drunk all the time?
d) Does she has a gambling (PK) problem? Why is she playing cards all the time.

Most importantly, she'll find out that I fell off the horse twice and hurt my back. She hates it when I go skiing, bungee jumping or horse-riding. She has warned me many times that I'm not allowed to ride the horse. Obstinate as I always am, I did and because of my lack of experience, the temperamental horse and my bad luck, Charcoal went amok and I am (quite) badly injured. I'm saying that I can't lift weight, can't bend my upper body down and move both arms at the same time, cuts on left ear and sore left neck. I attempted to make an appointment with the Health Advisor this morning but the clinic isn't open. The competition was held in Chile and I'm unwilling to spend my money on second best. I hope I'll get an appointment when he returns, slim chance I know.

Looks like I'm not gonna do much this week, based on my bank account and my hurting back that hurts when I drive. On top of that, I'm in debts. Haven't paid for anything in Mornington on the weekend. Bought too many bottles of wines but how can I resist? Mum is so gonna faint when she sees them in my apartment next week. Have I mentioned she's into hot spring these days? I was telling her my hot spring experience in Mornington over the weekend and she's all hyped, she wants to go when she's here. I plan to take her to Daylesford, any suggestion on where to stay?

Oh dear, she's bugging me on MSN now because she doesn't know how to approve me as friend on FB. God, help me!

it's okay that I'm not okay

If I tell you sometimes I can feel the presence of Dad, would you think I'm freaky?

Even if you do, it wouldn't change much of what I believe. Enough of doubting myself and wondering what my friends would think of me. There really are times when I know He's in the room with me. I can't see him, I can't hear him yet he is there, as though I can almost smell Him. This connection is real and I know He will never ever let me see him, not unless in my dreams. When I cry, He looks at me and asks me not to. He misses me too but He's moving on, He tells me that's life and I need to deal with this part of life where it sucks. He waits till I stop crying and He'll say his goodbye and good night.

Deisy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for not replying to your email. I have to say I'm in no position to make you feel better because I'm not feeling better either. I thought putting on my smile and chatty facade, keep the parties going, resume my normal life is the cure. Yes, they keep you busy and life never stops but the pain hasn't stopped. Whoever that says your pain would fade with time lied to us. It's true that you'll be too busy to think about it but there are times, a lot of times, the pain that we're suppressing would crawl their way back to your heart, following the flow of your blood to the tip of your fingers. It's been nine months and it's not fine. It's especially not fine when it's your graduation, when it's my birthday, his birthday or my niece's birthday. He will never be there with us ever again, not in a way where I can see him, hug him and lean my head against his shoulder. I pick up the phone but I can't call him again.

There's an episode in Grey's when George's dad died. Cristina talked about the Dead Dad's Club. She was right. You can only join this club when your dad has died. And no one understands what the pain is until you're in the club. So enough of "I know how you feel" and "you're being too harsh on yourself, you've gotta let go". Don't speak to me like this because you don't understand.

Deisy, so I'm not gonna lie to you and lead you to believe that you'll be okay soon. I'll be honest with you. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. One thing for sure is that life still goes on, we'll move on but the pain and the tears, they will be there for awhile. How long? I don't know and I don't wanna know. It's not a bad thing you know? Letting go isn't always the only way to live life. Take care and shoot me an email, I'm glad that you can share with me. I might not reply straight away but I will... xoxo

dinner was great, thank you

If you remember, I used to cook for myself at home - not a lot but often enough. For some reason, I've stopped doing that since many many months ago. I'm talking about real food, real satisfying nutritional food here. When I do cook these days, it was just quick simple meal for one, nothing fancy, nothing too healthy. I don't remember when was the last time I put in effort to buy food and prepare a proper meal for myself.

Tonight, TY came over to murder my kitchen. Ha... she didn't kill anything actually. In fact, she cooked and she cleaned, even those that were unwashed before. She's a good woman, no wonder no man wants me, pffftt! Have I told you this woman can really cook? While she was making passionate love to my kitchen (like she said she was), I was getting pissed with some wines that I've gotten from the wineries recently. Both dinner and wines were absolutely divine.

You know what? I have been wanting to pop open these reds since Monday but according to house rules #1 I shall not drink by myself at home. I didn't break the rules although I was dying to. I was ecstatic the moment TY stepped foot in my apartment - license to drink at home, boooohoooo!!! Seriously, I think I've a drinking problem. Or maybe I can just blame it on the sight of these good shit sitting at home staring at me, luring me to drink them, aaarrrggghh!!! By the way, I've never stopped making soup twice a week. That's my remedy for saving my body and soul. Just had a bowl actually, and I'm finishing the bottle of shiraz from before. I'm not breaking any rules, I'm just finishing what we've started...

I've places to go

It's over for me. Such great snow this season. Apparently it was better than NZ this year and I believe it's true. Ally came back from Queenstown saying that she felt cheated. I've definitely spent too much on the snow this year but heck... I've got my new boots and skis, how can I not make full use of them? So it's over for me, the weekend was my last trip for this season. Woke up on Monday feeling rather depressed. Why do I fall in love with such expensive sport? Well, in less than six months' time, we'll be racing down the slopes in Hakuba. That should inspire me to save, a lot and a lot of it.

Speaking of holiday, I've got a few lining up for me. Oh man, how am I gonna find a full time job when I've planned all these holiday till march next year? Mum is visiting for my graduation so we're spending some quality mum-daughter time in Melbourne and New Zealand. Just got the tickets today, flying in to Auckland, flying out from Wellington. Gonna do a road trip so I've a lot to plan - car rental, accommodation in different places along the way, places to see and eat. It's gonna be fun, I just wish Dad can be with us. I miss Him, I miss Him so much sometimes I can't breathe. I hope He's feeling the same too.

Anyway, before NZ, me and some friends have planned a weekend of debauchery in Mornington Peninsula. Horse riding, hot spring, wineries and stuffing our faces with good food are on the itinerary. We're actually discussing on which restaurant and winery we're going. Seriously, these are the only things we're good at, we're beyond help.

Moving along, as mentioned before, thanks to Air Asia, I'm able to attend Di's wedding in KL end of this year. She has planned the wedding more than a year ago and I know she really wants me to be there. I'm glad I can make it. So this year I'm back in KL three times, just like last year. I miss my little angel so much. She's growing so quickly, I couldn't stop looking at her photos on Facebook. Mum told me that she's becoming really mischievous too, that little marshmallow!

Now... looking at my skis leaning against my wall makes me wanna hit the slopes. I miss Imagination, Twilight and...dim sims at snake gully hut. Does it make you want something more eagerly just because you know you can't have it? Does it?

man, I really can sleep

Air Asia is amazing! I got my KL-Melb-KL-Melb (three ways) tickets for less than RM1900. Now they are giving out free tickets and Melbourne is on the list. My darling Eleana is visiting in June and Likai is coming again in July, woot! My darling will be around for Queen's Birthday, that means I'm taking her to the rave. Oh my god, I just cannot wait! Meanwhile, Adrian is in town and we might miss each other. I'm feeling so lazy I just wanna stay in and I'll be in the snow early Thursday so...

Last weekend was mad arse (again). I was sick but I had to go snow gear shopping with TY before attending Small A's birthday dinner in Prahran. I was tipsy before dinner from merely half a bottle of Sav Blanc at home. I get drunk very easily when I'm sick, hungry and tired. By time we finished dinner and got to Watermark, I was already happy drunk. Nothing dramatic this time, no falling over but one of the DJs, I don't wanna name name here wanted a quickie with me in his car, pffftt! I'm not kidding. For your information, he has a girlfriend that he claims to be very much in love with on his Facebook yet he has the guts to ask me to do that with him. Do all men have problem keeping their members in their pants?

Later that night, we ended up at Pat's for supper and cards. That's when I lost my voice totally. TY was elated because she said I can finally stop talking and not give her a headache, oh well... I survived Saturday with a massive hangover and a chockablock schedule starting from 10.30am. So I decided to keep drinking to stop my hangover. That always works but not before 2am, imagine how much pain I had to sit through that night?

Came Sunday and it was the most painful day because I was sick like a dog. My head was so congested with that throbbing headache. I slept for more than 21 hours that day until Monday morning. I don't believe in medication as many of you know so herbal tea, supplements, heaps of water and rest were my only path to recovery and I'm all well now. In fact, I had a big night yesterday with more than 20 shots of wet pussies/ski buddies on top of beer, wine and vodka. Don't even ask what I did after all those drinks, just too funny but for the record, I did not drive.

A good friend from KL, Mandy, was telling me she has been reading my blog. She's a little concern and wanted me to take care of myself. Before our chat ended, she said "have a good Friday and relaxing weekend". All right, my weekend was no where near relaxing.

you ain't Carrie or Meredith

What has modern television done to my fellow girl friends?

I've some girl friends around me who are so absorbed with their favourite TV series they related themselves (and sometimes their men) to the characters of these shows. Some imitate these characters and some believed they'll live the life of these fictional superstars. Let's stick with the screen names now.

Carrie has been seeing Big for more than a year now. Carrie is obsessively, deeply in love with Big. Big can be such a sweetheart to Carrie but a bastard at the same time. He would wine her, dine her, cook for her, take her to places but go missing on her for days before he resurface from the poison sea. Big refused to be in a relationship with Carrie, after countless attempts from the lady to secure a relationship. However, Carrie believes, like in the movie, Big will finally realizes that 'she's the one' after six years and will finally marries her ten years down the road.

Meredith comes from a broken family with quite f*cked up parents. She thought life would be sweeter when Derek waltzes into her life but no - he has a wife who he decided to pick over Meredith. Meredith is still hung up on Derek for the longest time and slept with several people who she shouldn't have for comfort. It came to a point where she made a decision to be a celibate and came up with her own period of celibacy. During that period, she met the sexy Finn, who she made him wait before they can have sex. The story goes on but my point is - people who constantly needs to come out with these resolution/plan are losers who have problem ironing their life. And I'm not saying that I'm superior, I'm a loser at many times - I have my resolutions, plans and restriction on myself too, which I failed mostly.

So Carrie and Meredith really do exist in my life. They think they are Carrie and Meredith and they probably idolize them or at least think they've similarity. Anyway, before I start rambling away, my point of this entry is...

I despise Big! Not the television character but my real life girl friend's Big. I regret bringing Big into Carrie's life. I don't think Carrie deserves to be treated this way - she deserves to be in a relationship with someone who cares enough to be in one with her. Do you really think Big will change with time? Is it worth the wait? I personally don't think so. She says she knows she shouldn't be wasting anymore time on him but her action shows otherwise. As her good friend, I've given my advice but if she persists on chasing, all I can do is to listen, wish her good luck and be her safety net for her to fall back. Sigh... this girl is tough let me tell you, she falls and she climbs onto the same path almost immediately.

Big has lost all his respect from me. I hate liars and I cannot stand people who are pretentious and let me tell you - he is freaking pretentious. No doubt he's always nice to people around him including myself but he can go get f*cked and be another Jesus. It annoys me when he tries so hard to be nice to everyone. Okay, to be fair, he can be really nice and helpful to others, almost everyone except for Carrie. That one thing that he did to her is enough to get him in my bad book. On one hand, I wish that he'll soon cave and give relationship a go to end Carrie's misery; on the other hand, I wish she'll wake up one day and sees the light, understanding that he's no good for herl, that she shall stop wasting her time and put herself out there to find true love.

Pffftt! I've fallen sick with a fever and sore throat. Maybe that's why I'm angry and emotional but seriously, I really think my friends should stop thinking that they can live the life of the silver screen stars. Watch them, get addicted like myself and live your own life. Walk out of it, or like I always believe, RUN! Oh well, that's my two cents worth. This is probably meaningless to many of you and I shall just jump in bed and sleep the fever off.

blackout and shivering

I think the doctor thought I was abused. Or maybe I was just being paranoid. I went for pre-permanent residency application health check and I had to stripped down to my bra and g-string. The doctor saw my many bruises including the left knee one that looks worse than yesterday now. She asked me what happened, I said I fell on the street while running to my car under the rain. She gave me a look and asked me other questions that got me paranoid. How embarrassing?!

As much as I'm elated that I'm bleeding, that has caused me to have to make another trip back to the health service centre. I need to retake my urine test because I'm having my menses. That means my results would be delayed another 10 days too, great! Just what a last minute person like me needs.

In fact, my appointment was supposed to be on last Wednesday but something bad happened. I couldn't believe how unlucky things can strike me at my most desperate times. My appointment was at quarter to nine, I got up at half past seven. Came out of shower drying myself and... pop! Black out. Entire building. No heater. No lights. No hot drinks to warm myself up. Obviously I couldn't take the elevator to the car park. There's the staircase but... what if I can't beep myself out with my security key (I wasn't sure if it's electrical), I'll be stuck in that staircase right? Right, if I'm lucky enough to get to my car park, how can I get my car out of the garage - electrical door, yes!

I looked at my receipt, it says I can't change my appointment with less than 24 hours notice or money will be forfeited ($270 okay?). I can't find my building manger's mobile because I've changed a new phone and was telling myself if I need him, his number's always in the lift. I couldn't get on the Internet because I just remembered I need the power for the modem. I couldn't decide if I should call the Neighbour although I fully understood that he's no superman and he cannot carry me and fly me out of here. And for those of you who know where I live, you know my apartment isn't some falling apart old shitty place, pffftt! So I was calling June to swear my lungs out, venting my rage on how this can happen to me, that I was naked, wet and cold and I've been living here for almost four years this had never happened, blah blah blah...

I had no choice but to call HSA, I explained to the phone operator my situation and she rescheduled my appointment for me for free. What a relieve. And as soon as I've done that, the power came back. So much for getting up early but my day didn't go to waste. Had a great day with the visitor, piled on a few kilos from eating and took lotsa photos playing tourists.

So that's my story. By the way, my detox program is going down the drain in 30 minutes' time. It's a friend's belated birthday dinner and I cannot have good food without good wines to go with and since I'm gonna do it, I shall do it right. Pre-dinner drinks and cheese in 30 mins, woot!

that's my bruised left knee

This is one of the many bruises I've gotten myself on Saturday night. Trust me, they hurt bad especially those two on my elbows. Couldn't even rest my arms on the table last night when playing cards. I was warned by Violet to stop doing stupid things to myself when I'm drunk, one fine day I'll injure myself bad. She's right. So I shall stop drinking and head home after the 15th drink mark, and stay away from my fellow alcoholic friends. Alright, I know that'll take some time before it happens so to set a more achievable goal, I'll let my liver rest from today till Thursday 5pm.

On another note, I realized I'm not very much of a baby-person besides for my own niece. Mira and Frank brought little Lawrence to Milyn's dinner and most of the night, every one was ooohhh-ing and aaahhh-ing over the baby and was fighting for his attention... except for me! I was more interested in my food, wines and cocktails. I told Jev and Rika, "I think I'm not very much into babies, I have no slightest interest." Jev said, "yeah, that's pretty obvious, we all noticed." Damn... Speaking of baby, the one and only that I'm keen on, is getting cuter and cuter. Saw her photos on my sis-in-law's FB, she had her first bikini and you know what her family (my family indeed) did? They had the blowup swimming pool IN OUR KITCHEN! WTF right? I guess I know what they were thinking - the little angel might catch a cold in the garden. Fine, that's my family for you. Moving along, I'm really happy that I finally got my period. Well, really happy is an understatement. Don't even think of anything maternity, absolutely nothing to do with that. I was just very sick and tired of my PMS. I had really bad skin, felt extremely bloated and looked three months pregnant (TY said that, really). Seriously, you know you've true friends who love and care about you when they can tell you the truth at any time, instead of some "no, you look fine, you look great bullshit". And I was eating like an eating machine *roll eyes* June and Likai witnessed my bottomless stomach eating behaviour on Wednesday. Every two hours or less I'll be stuffing my face and we're talking about real food, not chips or snacks and you know what was worse? I knew I had eaten enough after each meal yet I didn't feel full! Not until our very last meal at Little Lamb's all-you-can-eat szechuan hotpot. So yes, yes and yes, I'm bleeding and have lost 50% of my appetite. My skin shall get back to normal by tomorrow's evening.

I'm very tempted to pop open a bottle of my favourite Innocent Bystander's Moscato to celebrate...

diary of an alcoholic

I got drunk last night. No shit, that's something new.

Excuse me but we started drinking since 11-ish in the morning. The royal we, namely Likai, Des and myself. We went to the wineries in Yarra Valley for lunch, some wine tasting and of course to replenish our supplies at home. Des and I got too excited and we ended up spending too much and came home with a car boot full of wines. I told myself it wouldn't be a waste of money spending on anything that you can eat and drink, especially good wines. June was the best winery tour designated driver on earth - absolute self-control and responsible. I don't think we would've enjoyed ourselves so much and went all out without her.Anyway, back to my drunk story. Yesterday was also Milyn's belated birthday celebration at Comme. I tried my best getting myself dolled up for the dinner after the wineries. I swear I was feeling woozy when I was applying my make-up but I assumed I look okay because no one said anything about my face last night, or maybe it was just too dark. I got to Comme and I resumed drinking once I sat down. We had a lot to drink, reds, whites and cocktails. Fast forward a couple of hours, we were having cocktails at Society. We were getting pretty messy-drunk at the bar, I tripped once when I was going down the steps to the bathroom. Surprise, surprise - I remember most of the night!

God knows what happened, we ended up at Boulevard. That's when my drama happened. I was so drunk that I didn't realize I was in a club for some reason. At one point I put my head down, closed my eyes and let myself fall. I fell of course, badly on the floor. Don't ask me why I did that, I just wanted it to happen and yes, it's f*cking stupid. I was in so much pain I started crying like a kid. In my head I wanted to go home to Daddy but obviously there's no more Daddy for me, then I got even more emotional, cried even harder, yada, yada, yada... I came home with mascara run and a very badly bruised left knee and elbows. So painful that I got woken up several times. Sigh... feel so bad for creating such ridiculous drama and everyone had to leave the club early cause I wanted to go home.

So I woke up this morning, discovering more injuries than last night. Feeling rather tired from the bad sleep - passed out from intoxication rather than deep sleep. Once again, I'm very surprised yet delighted that I wasn't hungover. When I get one, they're usually very bad so I solemnly wish that I can stay away from any. You probably would tell me not to drink so much to avoid hangovers. I believe the only way to avoid hangovers is to stay drunk.

Cheers folks!

dim sims or bad coffee no more

I love dim sims despite they're made from some not very healthy offal. Although I don't take any offal, but dim sims just taste so good, especially the South Melbourne market ones. Some say they are too salty, I say they are absolutely delicious. I had four to myself on the way to Bright on Friday evening when none of the others in the car was interested. Had more dim sims at lunch on both Saturday and Sunday, and got myself more in Myrtleford while driving us back. I had about 10 dim sims in 48 hours, gross! So I've to get off it for some time, it's unhealthy and it's... just gross! Perhaps dim sims can be my ski-food - I have them only when I'm on ski trips. Or maybe I can have a few when I see shops that sells the South Melbourne ones. Or when I walk past any hot food shops and feel like one.

Bad coffee is another thing that I absolutely loathe. I was stuck with bad coffee on the weekend in the country and up the snow. Sigh... it's really sad when you're given one that burns your tongue, too bitter or too milky when you're dying for one. It got worst at Snake Gully Hut where they don't do soy or skinny. Fine, but give me one that taste like coffee and not milk. Anyway, I need to be coffee-free for at least a week. I suspect I sort of 'need' it now, instead of 'want' it. I'm not a morning person, never have been. I get especially snappy and cranky these days without caffeine in the morning, not good at all. I don't like substances to take control of my body. I have them because I can, not because I need.

Staying in for once, after many many evening outs. Being home having dinner in front of the TV was a total bliss. I said no to after work drinks with Keat, and said no to Pat/Violet for dinner. I'm just having one of those mood swings that comes and goes without a reason. Not upset with anyone in particular, I just wanna be by myself, not having to speak with anyone. Eat in my PJs and not having to bother if my hair looks nice. I've been wanting to stay home for a long time, just since when staying at home is a plan while going out has become a regimen? I wanted to whip something up in the kitchen but realized I've nothing in the freezer except for chicken drumstick and carcass for making soup. I had takeaway from Dainty's instead. Ordered enough to feed four but I couldn't miss on any of my favourite dishes. So I've got eight boxes of food sitting in my fridge while I've dinner plans up until Monday.

I am also thinking of popping a bottle of vino that I've gotten from the Gapsted winery yesterday on our way back to Melbourne. I don't drink by myself at home, that's my house rule but I'm really excited about the 2006 Petit Manseng *slurp* Probably not a good idea knowing that I've to be up by half past 7 tomorrow. I'm still thinking, thinking, thinking...

I've lost it

I don't know whether it's the weather, or like he said, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress from 'the fine' that I've gotten last Monday - I'm feeling constantly tired. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, how am I gonna get around? How much money am I willing to spend on cab? How long can I sustain this Monday to Thursday just do it in the day shit? I hate it when it's inconvenient. I like convenience, it's not the best thing for one to progress but convenience has been working well for me.

Finally got myself to look for jobs online today. That's this whole galore of jobs out there, mostly managerial roles that I can't handle. Then there are these beginner roles with job descriptions that I can't seem to fit. So I was speaking with friends and realized they all felt the same when they first started. So I shall just worry if I can perform only after they hire me.

I've been on holiday for six weeks now, I feel like I can't breathe. No, I'm not talking about asthma attack or anything bronchial. I have all these friends to see, and places to be and sometimes I feel like I've not seen my friends for a long time. Like I've not seen Violet for more than a week and I've not seen Diana for a long time. Every evening when Curry Jo calls, I'll be out and busy. Every time when I find time to call mum, it's either too late, or it's dinner time for her. I've not spoken to Eleana since I came back, no chance at all.

Speaking of productivity, I've helped achieved something really important last week - being with Sasha while picking 'the' dress. Yes, yes, yes, my crazy bitch is engaged! Venue is booked and she had picked 'the' dress. She looked absolutely stunning in that dress. We knew it was the one when she stepped out of the changing room. It gives you the 'wow' effect. I can imagine she'll look even more beautiful when the real dress comes in in six months' time because it'll be tailored to her size. Now that the globe is spinning quicker and the sun rises and sets faster than last decade, that day will arrive in no time.

Jo has left Melbourne for indefinitely. Apparently I was so sloshed on Friday night, I was saying things like "I love you, you're my truest friend, can't believe you're leaving, we've a past together, I love you..." in the car. I don't remember but I'm not at all surprise I said that. I love Jo and she really is my true friend and yes, we've a past together and we got through it together. We're also graduating together. I was very busy before she left, I hardly had time for her, I feel like I'm the worst friend ever. Somehow we got to party a couple of times, and we had dinner on the night before she left. I'll see her in Singapore very soon. Globe is spinning in full speed!

I remember Adrian is coming to visit this month but I don't remember the date. Why do people like to visit Melbourne so much? Because it's 'cheap'? Or because there's 'so much' to see here? Alright, I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining. No, I'm happy for all of you guys to visit but I just can't understand. It seems like we ( either myself or my friends) get visitor every month, if not every two weeks. Especially Jevon, his friends are always visiting from Singapore. Now Likai is in town, then Adrian, then mum, and who else? Not to forget Pat's friends, TY's friends. Is Melbourne really that exciting? Don't get me wrong, I love it here. Okay, enough of that before my friends start changing their mind on visiting.

On another note, I've washed, dried and put on my new sheets. 500 egytian, absolutely divine. I love my sheets to be white or red (or family of red). Red is my favourite colour, it's uplifting, it matches my couch, my DVD boxes, my teapot, my new pots and pans, my car and at most times, my nails. White is refreshing, it's clean, pure, it's inviting and calming. White is on now although it's a little too summery for this rainy dark winter. I've something about buying sheets yet I've problem with getting rid of them. I don't use a lot of the old ones now but they are good stuff. I'm a hogger when it comes to sheets but I'm fine with selling my clothes. I don't understand myself sometimes.

Enough of rambling, going to watch some DVD and sleep since I can't get a massage at this time of the night. Strangely, I feel like getting one.

what if I was wrong?

I'm a person who's constantly need to be in the know. I believe knowing is better than wondering although one might say "just how sure are you of what you know is the truth?". Well, the truth is your perception of a fraction of reality that you choose to believe, I guess. At least I've known of someone, or maybe a couple of them, who is lost in their own truth because lying is part of their reality of life. I don't know if that's normal but I feel sorry for them, that makes one feeling constantly confused. 

The little me in this big world gets confused from time to time too, because some people can be really deceitful. There are also times where I judge too quickly missing the opportunity of getting to know a person sans skepticism. You put them into categories and draw your line making sure you don't allow them to cross it, all in the name we called rule of the game. But I call it self-protection. And these are the times that make me wonder - did I judge too quickly? Is it too late to reverse the situation?

So knowing is better than wondering. When I say knowing, I don't mean finding out the truth but getting rid of the 'perhaps'. Knowing that I can, that I'm capable, that I can achieve. Like a wise friend said to me before... it's better to do it and regret, than to regret not doing it.

Likai's in Melbourne!

Likai and I had four bottles of wine last night. We weren't that drunk to be honest. We were pretty tipsy after the two bottles of white before dinner. We were surprisingly okay after another two bottles of red at my place. Our promise of stopping after one was broken. The Chamber Rosewood red was divine. Candyman got it for me and I've never heard of this name before. Maybe you don't get drunk so easily on good wine?

We woke up feeling tired and sluggish. Took her to Footscray for some authentic Vietnamese pho before heading north to DFO Essendon. We were 'sort of' hungover - I wasn't sure if I was caffeine-deprived or it was the after effect of last night's alcohol but coffee definitely saved us. Both of us were chatty again once the caffeine kicked in.

I spent too much again but I excuse myself because I mainly spent on home wares. Got some tumblers and wine glasses to replenish those that I've broken when I was drunk. Got new sheets again and some baby clothes for my daughter niece. I really need to stay in to not spending money and one thing that I HAVE to achieve before Hotham this weekend - register myself with all job site!

let's get another drink?

So some of my friends were saying at our age, opss... more like at their age, we should be slowing down when it comes to drinking, partying, getting drunk or falling all over the place. Looks like it's the other way round for us. I don't believe in that anyway. Keat says it's time for her to slow down yet she's behaving otherwise. We were telling her to go volunteer in some third world countries, she said she's not interested. So Violet asked her what she's interested in? "Home session" was her answer, -_-"

It was Beckie's belated birthday dinner and 'let's get retarded' party on Friday but all of us thought it was our birthday. So we ate like it was our birthday, drank like it was our birthday and fell like it was our birthday. Ally and I did anyway, cool stuff.

We handled the sake and wine at dinner well. We were chasing for more alcohol at Watermark at first. What happened later was a blur, or cannot be recalled. I knew I was talking to ah-neh Turkish DJ. I knew all my friends were with me. I knew I had cognac, whisky, vodka, Jaegar bombs, and more unidentified alcohol. I knew I danced all night. I knew we took photos. I knew we were texting each other. Then I don't remember how we adjourned to Seven. I don't remember what I drank there, and I don't remember what games we were playing with Ben. But I remember he pushed us gently, Ally and I fell hard on the dance floor. We thought it was very funny, really. So she hurt her ankle, I hurt my knee, same spot as my ski injury.

Came home at 7-ish in the morning after a nap at Ben's. We could've partied on I believe. Ally said she couldn't remember anything about the fall. "No more alcohol" was what she said but that's what we say on most weekend, don't we? Beckie was worse, she couldn't remember going to Seven, her memory was Lavish striaght to Ben's. Absinthe does that to me!

The alcoholic in me didn't get put off by alcohol though. So I went for round two on Saturday night. This time the mix was wine, vodka, soju, korean choya and don't-remember-what-else-I-put-in-my-mouth-anymore. I reckoned I drank almost 1.5 bottles of soju cause I was late and everyone else was drunk, they didn't wanna drink and I was eager to get drunk, hurhurhur... I don't remember how I ended up saying yes to Boulevard. I don't know how Becks ended up getting me from the city and I was making a big fuss on how she had to get me right from the doorstep. I don't remember what I did in the club at all, or what I've drank. But I remember not able to get a taxi, and I got lost in Crown, and I ended up at the Promenade, and found a taxi on the street. I also know that this morning when I got up to pee, my head was still spinning.

So I've been going back to my two-nights-straight partying shit. Why not? It's always good fun. Who knows when my friends wanna 'slow down' and stop getting retarded with me.

Sam will be fine

I was an idiot and I've no one to blame. It was all my fault. I pressed hard on the accelerator and I was flying. Thank God all of us are home safely. Thank God I didn't drink. It was a punishment that I deserve and I'll learn from my lesson.

I'm home from Hotham. Good weekend, very good weekend with good snow. I've started doing the black runs and I'm liking it. Didn't really fall except for a bad one when I was half asleep in the morning. Foggy weather and I was just waking up, went off a small little cliff, landed on rock hard icy foot path of someone's apartment. That's my only real fall on the weekend. When I got back in the evening, there was blood on my right knee even though I had thermal pants and ski pants on, pfftt!

TY was the best travel companion when it comes to food. It was so nice of her to make us hotpot. Hotpot in our room when it was minus 4 outside was awesome. We saved a lot of money on shit food on the mountain too. Gave Tsubo a try though, Jap fusion - it was only okay, I don't plan to return but if I have to, I won't say no. What am I talking about?

I'm speaking air, I'm tired. Tired from many things and from the weekend. If I've a choice right now, I would cancel all my plans this week and just hibernate at home. I just wanna do nothing and see no one but I know I can't. One of my very good friend is going through a very tough time, I wanna be with this person. Let's call this person Sam in this entry, only in this entry! I want Sam to know that he/she will be okay, that he/she will be able to get on to 'the other side', as a friend said today. Sam is a strong person, much tougher and wiser than me so if I can get on the other side, Sam will be able to do it. Bear in mind that my issue was nothing compared to Sam's issue right now but there's always two sides of a coin - the good and the bad. Something bad had happened but there's always a good side to it. So I need to be with Sam whenever possible because being alone isn't the best thing for Sam right now. I've faith in Sam.

What had happened is finally sipping into me. What a disastrous weekend for the both of us. Sigh... enough of being a sookie today, I shall just go to bed. Good snow people!

I'd rather be writing

I went shopping yesterday, that’s before Yummy Mummy gave me that ‘emergency’ call. The domestic goddess in me was shopping for a pot. I’ve burnt one few nights ago while attempting to make cream of sweet corn and chicken soup. Arrrgghh… I was just so dumb. So instead of spending more money on clothes which absolutely doesn’t make sense cause I’ve to get rid four big bags of them, some of which the labels are still attached, I spent my money on kitchen utensils. There was this set of red pots and pans with a 50% price slash. Red – my favourite colour! Called Pat to ask if the brand’s okay to buy and if they are worth that price, she gave me the green light and she asked me, don’t you know all these? No, my mum bought most of the things in my kitchen. Then while waiting for Yummy Mummy to get into the city, I splurged on that GHD limited edition styler. It’s a straightener/styler so a friend asked me why do I need a hair straightener when my hair’s straight now. Because… I don’t know. I’m just an idiot for anything beautiful and that little thing in white is just so tempting. So I justified my purchase by saying I needed it to curl my hair. Then I realized, I don’t know how! I’ve never had these gadgets. I hate spending time doing anything to my hair, I don’t even blow dry my hair in winter. Oh man, I’m just so freaking stupid! Just like those MAC fake lashes that I’ve bought 6 months ago, half a dozen of them, I’ve never learnt to put them on. But since I’ve spent so much money on this thing, I’m determined to learn. Next week when I return from the snow, I’m gonna start using it.I’m so tired today. Basically got no sleep from last night and been out all day. Having an early start can be really productive. I got TY from the airport, had breakfast, went grocery shopping with her, dropped her home, collected my MIFF season pass, got my brazilian wax, coffee with June, more grocery shopping, quick catch up with Jev and John, posted an entry before heading out for dinner with the usual suspects, drinks and home. Very happy with what I’ve done but what about cleaning up and looking for a job?? My place is kinda gross but I’m sleepy night. So good night peeps, will try to get up early to clean tomorrow.

Opss... I did it again!

While I was walking aimlessly at Myer last night, I got an 'emergency' call from Yummy Mummy telling me that she needed a drink. Why not? So we went to Cookie, had a bottle of the cheapest Malborough Sauv Blanc and we were two happy women. The woman had withdrawal syndrome and needed to drink. I absolutely understand what she meant although I've not experienced that for a long time - I've been drinking quite regularly.

Alright, so we had a good time catching up. It was the first one-on-one for us since I came back from my recent trip. There were a lot for us to talk about. About her work, my work; her men, my men; her boss, my boss; our friends; our future; handbags and everything else that we could think of. We were enjoying each others and the wine's company so much, we forgot that we hadn't eaten. So we finished the first bottle and as usual, I needed wanted more. We ordered the second bottle and we finished it. It was still not enough for me but Yummy Mummy said she's drunk but I insisted, we ordered another two glasses instead, which was such a bad idea.

We finished the two glasses, stood up to leave. I was surprised that I felt drunk. For the record, I usually do more than 2.5 bottles among two people. I didn't remember that we were drinking on empty stomach but that's besides that point. Anyway, as we were leaving the bar, these two guys stopped us and talked to us. Oh well, you know, when you're drunk, everyone's your friend (sometimes even when I'm sober =_=" ). Mummy seemed to be very interested in the man, as for mine, I don't remember what we spoke about at all. I can vaguely remember he bought me a glass of wine, I had some of it and realized it's not a good idea that I keep drinking. So I pulled Mummy aside and asked her if she was gonna go home with his guy, she said she doesn't mind. I told everyone that I was going to the loo and I'll be back. I left.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, don't follow suit. Don't you ever dare to drink and drive. I did the wrong thing. I shouldn't have driven at all. So I drove myself home not knowing how I managed to. Very dangerous I must say. I swear I will not do that again. By the way, before I went home, in my state of drunk, I had chilli chicken takeaway. Not bad for a drunkard huh?!

Whatever that happened when I got home was very vague. All I could recall was speaking to Mummy on the phone, she didn't end up going home with her guy, but throwing up at the side of the road instead. The guy, Mark I think, called to check on me. Obviously I gave out my number without realizing it, hmm... but that's okay, it's just my mobile, I can always screen calls. The next thing I know, I woke up at 4-ish feeling really sick. I threw up and it was disgustingly spicy. I didn't remember that I had eaten. I went to the kitchen to get the best chilli reliever - aloe vera juice, and saw used plates in the sink and chicken bones in the bin, no shit.

Then I was in bed, tossing and turning, couldn't fall back to deep sleep. Decided to get up at quarter past six for a shower and got ready to get TY from the airport. Oh yes, my part time lesbian lover is back. I swear I was still feeling drunk this morning. I was pretty sure if I got pulled over by booze bus, I'll have to kiss my drivers license goodbye. Or at least I'll get a fine.

I was also really worried about Mummy. Was she okay? Did she get home safe? Any booze bus? I felt so bad for leaving her with two strangers. Shite, I'm turning into Patrick, leaving without saying goodbye. Found out later in the day that she got home safely, leaving her phone in the car hence didn't pick up my calls. She went in to work late as she couldn't get out of bed. Then she was saying "my guy was quite hot right? I thought he was quite hot..."

"Mummy, I couldn't tell, I was blind-drunk!" was my answer.

And I was telling John that it's been a long time that I have these totally sloshed midweek thingy before I paused for a few seconds. That wasn't true - it's been the same in the last four weeks. Damn, the alcohol is killing my brain cells, I don't remember things. I thought this week without Alice and Becks would do my liver good but no, it was worse. I was plastered both Friday and Saturday too.

Some things are never gonna change. Maybe one day but yesterday was definitely not that day.

Gotta shower and get ready for dinner and drinks again. I'm so tired it's not funny but TY leaves me with no option. That demanding bitch!

bumming within the junks

My suitcase, Lime Green, is widely opened sitting in the living room, it's been lying there with my new summer clothes in it since I came back a month ago. Another mini red one is also widely opened lying next to it, with my travel toiletries and a bottle of vodka in it. These were from Buller last weekend. There are at least six handbags lying around, on the dining table (that I don't use), side table, study chair and on the floor. There are shopping bags that are unopened, which makes me wonder, why did I purchase when they don't excite me enough to unwrap when I got home? Then there are my laptop case, four big bags of clothes to sell, shoes in boxes that my shoes storage can't take anymore, and a big paper bag from the previous trip. Not to mention the bills that keeps coming in, and shoes that I use and didn't bother to put them back into their boxes.

All these, all these annoying shit sitting in my tiny little apartment. I'm determined to tidy up tonight. No clean living room, no sleep.

Also, I don't spend enough evenings at home. I've a fridge full of food that I don't get to cook. I've been out every single night. The last time I cooked was... I can't remember. Had to be at least two weeks ago. What happened to "I'm broke, I need to eat in"? And I've all these plans till next Sunday - dinners and more dinners, exhibition launch, Hotham, farewell, welcome, wedding dress shopping, even lunches are pretty much taken till end of next week. So a bummer like me is so-called very busy, how do working people make it? I miss this little pumpkin so much, I wanna pinch her cheeks!

it's been a long time since...

I know we're having a good time when we take a lot of silly photos with half-closed eyes; or when we totally forget about the camera. Tonight was the latter. Two nights in a row, it can only get better.

PMS Friday

I did all the wrong things tonight: hissy fit, unreasonable complaints, physical erm...

My friends were there for the rightest reason: dance, laugh, hugs, etc.

Blame it on the PMS that I'll never let it out on my friends, opsss... weird huh? After all, friends have the upper hand.

I hope it'll all get better, much better.

Big love, big hugs, big kisses from Lucky Lynn

Lose-lose?

Dad once told me there's no winner or loser in a marriage, it would either be two winners or two losers.

That was kinda unusual coming from Him, I didn't take him seriously then. For some strange reason, I thought about it last night before I fell asleep. What about relationships? Can one really win? Is the one who initiates the breakup and moves on first the winner? Is the person who comes back begging and crying for another chance the loser? Is cheater always happier because there's always someone in his/her arms? Should the one being cheated feels happy because he/she sees the light?

no more hire

I wanna say Thank You to these good friends of mine who got me my very comfortable ski boots...
Alice, Big B & Small A, Kiwi, Babyface, Kum Den, Evonne, Jevon, Joanne of the Twins, John, Pat, Sugar Sugar and Lao-sai.

Also lotsa thanks and kisses to Candyman who recently gotten me the new skis, they are absolutely divine... I spent the weekend in Buller testing my new gear and they are good stuff. This was my first time skiing in Buller but according to my friends, the snow was pretty good for mid July. I thought it was okay but the first two days were so foggy that I couldn't see anything. Visibility was so low I didn't know where I was skiing towards, I couldn't tell the speed that I was going at and whether I was moving or halted. It took me two days to get used to my new skis especially not skiing for almost a year. My legs were so weak from lack of exercise, I could hardly ski parallel. Because of its length, it takes a lot more effort for me to make sharp turns too. Bikram yoga is all I need in these two weeks before my next trip.

I love the snow despite it makes me ridiculously broke. I've bought my ticket to Japan. Snow, food, sake and shopping, I'm coming!!!

everyone has gotten married...

Last week I bumped into an old friend who is now married with a daughter. He was like a brother to me before we lost touch. We stopped hanging out when his business got busier, after he got married, and after I stood him up twice for dinner and his baby's full moon party.

So we had a quick chat and the topic of Diced Chicken came up. I was told that he's married overseas. Diced Chicken is married! The one I met four years ago, the one who was there for me when I broke up with Mr Confused, the one who flew to KL to see me for five days because he missed me, the one who bought me a Prada handbag that I've never used, the one who nearly fought with Stingy King at the club, the one that I didn't like enough to take him as my boyfriend.

Time does fly by too quickly. I'm happy for him but was a little shocked that he's married so quickly. Actually, 3 years isn't a short time, not at all. And then it reminded me that a few of my ex-boyfriends are married, like Darlie Star and Always Yes. Am I that bad that anyone would settle for anything alive and kicking after being with me, the girlfriend from hell?

Back to Diced Chicken. What is there not to like about him? He's successful, he's highly intelligent, he has the money, has the look (this really depends on individual preference) and almost everything that a woman can ask for but there's something that I didn't like about him. This little ridiculous something that stopped me from going out with him.

I was telling some friends and they said the bride could've been me. I had received the same comments about other men that had crossed path with me in the past. So I asked myself - do I really wanna be the bride?

Answer is no. Not with these men. If we were meant to end up together, we wouldn't have broken up or in Diced Chicken's case, not be together. It's just stupid passing comments like 'if you didn't do this/that/xyz, you would've married abc/loser and started a family'. WTF!?

Everything happens for a reason and we didn't break up because we had nothing better to do in life. Whether I dumped or got dumped, it was for a good reason I believe. No doubt I was heart broken at many times especially when I wasn't the one who initiated the breakup but in hindsight, they made the right decision. During heartbreak, many of us tell ourselves that breaking up isn't the best thing to do, that we might not find someone better than the liar/efg/dog. Based on my very little experience, chances are that there's always someone better out there waiting to meet us.

I'm not saying that I will never get back with the men from my past, never say never right? But it's very unlikely that I would, unless it is for a valid and very good reason that could convince my head. I mean, what the f*ck for? I've put up with enough pain during the breakup and have moved on with life, why go back to some old canned food when I can get fresh gourmet ones around the corner?

That's why when I'm asked 'if I've got another chance with Diced Chicken, would I take him?', the answer is still a 'no'. Expired food turned bad for a reason.

bye-bye uni, hello real world

I've received my graduation invitation, the one that we anticipated so very much but not anymore for me. I don't feel like attending because the most important person will not be there with me. I know, I know, stop dwelling on the past and treasure those important ones around me, yada, yada, yada... But I really don't see a point of being there.

This isn't my first graduation - I had my diploma's in KL and degree's in Melbourne where we had a wonderful time together, not having any worries and no one had the faintest that any of us wouldn't be around for my next bigger graduation. We had beautiful family photos with me wearing that penguin gown; we had dinners after dinners in the name of graduation; and I got anything that I wanted because they love me too much to say no to me.

Perhaps I should attend this ceremony with mum and Dad's spirit, yet I'm not sure I can cope with it. I told mum not to come over as it's really not necessary and it's so crazily expensive here. I would rather she visits another time...

Being sane isn't the sanest thing, try your very best to believe this. I was sane before I went insane. I despised myself - that's why I cried, that's why the tears paraded themselves, that's why the girls chose to be by my side but you know what - ?

I've got a brilliant mind (proud enough to say this) that is absolutely f*cked (for the sake of blog integrity, I cannot lie!). I am embarrassed about myself, I don't wanna talk about it, and for you people who are laughing out there, or those who are secretly popping a bubbly out  there, it's unfortunate but I'm attempting to jump over it, so don't expect too much from me or I probably could be a downer.

Someone's acting's very convincing...

Just finished packing. Was going through some of Dad's old stuff and found a stack of cards in a folder hidden in one of his briefcase. They were cards that I drew when I was as young as five/six years old. You know how kindergarten teacher made you drew cards for your parents during Father's/Mother's Day? Those were the ones. He's been keeping them all these years. I miss Him badly, the pain is back again, as severe as it was six months ago. I know He's watching me right now, wanting me to smile again but...

Last year's Father's Day, Candyman delivered a bottle of wine to Him on my behalf while I was happily spending His money in Tassie. This year I visited Him at the cemetery. He was smiling at me. I brought no gift but I thought being home with everyone was the best gift. 

It's really not easy.

tell me you don't wanna kiss her...

"Are you coming out later?"
"Nah, I'm not..."
"What? Why?!?"
"I'm lazy."
"Lazy? Come on..."
"I'm not coming out, you guys have fun!"

Some things have changed. Hanging out at home doing nothing is bliss. I'd rather have my long bubble bath, face mask and watch some bad TV after dinner and chatting with the women at home. I'm constantly tired even I've sleeping enough. Perhaps I've gotten glandular fever from someone, pfftt! I'm rather grumpy today, so was my little angel at home - the 'chi' wasn't right. Isn't she adorable?