Friday, September 05, 2008

it's okay that I'm not okay

If I tell you sometimes I can feel the presence of Dad, would you think I'm freaky?

Even if you do, it wouldn't change much of what I believe. Enough of doubting myself and wondering what my friends would think of me. There really are times when I know He's in the room with me. I can't see him, I can't hear him yet he is there, as though I can almost smell Him. This connection is real and I know He will never ever let me see him, not unless in my dreams. When I cry, He looks at me and asks me not to. He misses me too but He's moving on, He tells me that's life and I need to deal with this part of life where it sucks. He waits till I stop crying and He'll say his goodbye and good night.

Deisy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for not replying to your email. I have to say I'm in no position to make you feel better because I'm not feeling better either. I thought putting on my smile and chatty facade, keep the parties going, resume my normal life is the cure. Yes, they keep you busy and life never stops but the pain hasn't stopped. Whoever that says your pain would fade with time lied to us. It's true that you'll be too busy to think about it but there are times, a lot of times, the pain that we're suppressing would crawl their way back to your heart, following the flow of your blood to the tip of your fingers. It's been nine months and it's not fine. It's especially not fine when it's your graduation, when it's my birthday, his birthday or my niece's birthday. He will never be there with us ever again, not in a way where I can see him, hug him and lean my head against his shoulder. I pick up the phone but I can't call him again.

There's an episode in Grey's when George's dad died. Cristina talked about the Dead Dad's Club. She was right. You can only join this club when your dad has died. And no one understands what the pain is until you're in the club. So enough of "I know how you feel" and "you're being too harsh on yourself, you've gotta let go". Don't speak to me like this because you don't understand.

Deisy, so I'm not gonna lie to you and lead you to believe that you'll be okay soon. I'll be honest with you. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. One thing for sure is that life still goes on, we'll move on but the pain and the tears, they will be there for awhile. How long? I don't know and I don't wanna know. It's not a bad thing you know? Letting go isn't always the only way to live life. Take care and shoot me an email, I'm glad that you can share with me. I might not reply straight away but I will... xoxo


Anonymous said...

u r right. the pain will never go away....not completely, at least. never. not 9 months nor 9 years. and i believe not even in 90 years' time.


Lucky Lazy Lynn said...

Since it's not gonna go away, I shall just embrace it, xoxo

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what leads me reading your blog today, as I am not updating my own blog, nor reading people's blog like I used to anymore.

You are right, life moves on, and heart is still painful. I guess if he is die of old age, I won't be so painful in missing him. It's less than 2 months of the diagnose and he left us, so the pain is really unbearable. There's no goodbye, no last word (because he himself also didn't know he will die so soon), no hug hug from him, just nothing. And I did blame myself, if I know his life is so short, I would not have left KL in July and come back for work. I was thinking the road in front is still long, for him..

I wish I can see him and feel him in my dream, but so far, he has not come to visit me in my dream. My sister had a dream that has dad. She told me dad was so happy in the dream, I hope that's really him. No more pain, no more sorrow, just full of happiness. But sister couldn't remember anything he said to her in the dream. Weird hor? We are wondering what could he have said to her in that dream:) He hold my sister's hand in the dream, walking around a lake.

I miss him very much still. Today I saw someone at his height, his usual dress code, and a luggage in the subway, I cannot control my tears. If he is still alive, that's his usual schedule - always on the move.

I hope we all will feel better one day.. maybe few years down the road.. and thanks for comforting me. I know you will say you did not do anything, but.. you did.


Lucky Lazy Lynn said...

Deisy, my Dad left us within 3 weeks since he was diagnosed. It was a real surprise to us too. Look at it this way - he suffered much less than he possibly would.

I dream of him pretty often. He almost doesn't speak in my dreams, just actions...

I'm glad to know that I've helped in making you feel better. Don't worry about recovering. Cry when you need to, get depressed when you have to, because these are what we really feel and there's no other way to get better. We'll only get better when we do.


Anonymous said...

d'u really wanna be like this for the rest of yur life...?

ping pong bobo

Lucky Lazy Lynn said...

Ping Pong Bobo, sometimes you don't have many choices...

Anonymous said...

maybe you'r right... sometimes we dont have choice... izzit possible that i choose to avoid the situation that you've been thru? i have to use the word - afraid. I'm afraid too... =)