If I tell you sometimes I can feel the presence of Dad, would you think I'm freaky?
Even if you do, it wouldn't change much of what I believe. Enough of doubting myself and wondering what my friends would think of me. There really are times when I know He's in the room with me. I can't see him, I can't hear him yet he is there, as though I can almost smell Him. This connection is real and I know He will never ever let me see him, not unless in my dreams. When I cry, He looks at me and asks me not to. He misses me too but He's moving on, He tells me that's life and I need to deal with this part of life where it sucks. He waits till I stop crying and He'll say his goodbye and good night.
Deisy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for not replying to your email. I have to say I'm in no position to make you feel better because I'm not feeling better either. I thought putting on my smile and chatty facade, keep the parties going, resume my normal life is the cure. Yes, they keep you busy and life never stops but the pain hasn't stopped. Whoever that says your pain would fade with time lied to us. It's true that you'll be too busy to think about it but there are times, a lot of times, the pain that we're suppressing would crawl their way back to your heart, following the flow of your blood to the tip of your fingers. It's been nine months and it's not fine. It's especially not fine when it's your graduation, when it's my birthday, his birthday or my niece's birthday. He will never be there with us ever again, not in a way where I can see him, hug him and lean my head against his shoulder. I pick up the phone but I can't call him again.
There's an episode in Grey's when George's dad died. Cristina talked about the Dead Dad's Club. She was right. You can only join this club when your dad has died. And no one understands what the pain is until you're in the club. So enough of "I know how you feel" and "you're being too harsh on yourself, you've gotta let go". Don't speak to me like this because you don't understand.
Deisy, so I'm not gonna lie to you and lead you to believe that you'll be okay soon. I'll be honest with you. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. One thing for sure is that life still goes on, we'll move on but the pain and the tears, they will be there for awhile. How long? I don't know and I don't wanna know. It's not a bad thing you know? Letting go isn't always the only way to live life. Take care and shoot me an email, I'm glad that you can share with me. I might not reply straight away but I will... xoxo