Friday, December 30, 2011

so hard to admit

Oh My God! Someone just accused me of having commitment issues. That was so mean. So very mean! Yes, I've been in bad relationships, I've been single for a long enough time and I find it difficult to put myself out there again, but I don't see that as having commitment issues. We've been on two dates, exchanged many text messages, you sent me flowers, I never wanted to kiss you and I'm pretty much decided that's where I want this relationship to stay. I want your attention but I don't want to be with you. I would rather be called an attention seeking bitch than one with commitment issues! Because once you've brought it up, it makes me think... Do I have commitment issues?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

let there be love

Christmas was my favourite holiday when I was a kid. My family didn’t celebrate Christmas in a religious way - it was just holiday and family time to us. When we were kids, mum and Dad would take Allan and I to the fancy hotels, to look at the Christmas deco, listen to Christmas carols and do that countdown at the hotel lounge. It was the best time of the year - it was school holidays; we didn’t have to visit the relatives like Chinese New Year time, it’s just US; we got to take uncountable photos with the reindeers, Styrofoam-snow and Santa with cotton wool moustache.

And then we grew into teenagers, where Christmas meant passport for us to not go home. We partied at friends, serviced apartments or anywhere that accommodated our binge drinking behaviour. That went on for a couple of years before I left home for Melbourne. Christmas became a home event during my summer break - hotpot, BBQ, or just an ordinary dinner and a drive downtown to look at the Christmas lights. I didn’t want to spend another Christmas to be out partying, I just wanted to be with the family.

Christmas however became meaningless to me, after Dad left us. Sometimes, like now, it’s a painful time of the year because it brings back memories. Christmas means public holiday to me, time off from work, wild card to irresponsible drinking and binge eating. Oh well, I seem to have many of these wild cards during the year anyway. Last night, D40 was sending me photos of the city light show where he went with his family. I was lying in bed looking at the photos and I just couldn’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I miss watching Christmas lights with the family.

I solemnly wish you guys are spending this silly season with your loved ones - the family, the lover, the friends or even by yourself. Hope all of you are living the moment and enjoying life as it presents itself to you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

aging could be doing me good!

Yoga is like my new religion, it's my way of life... Except that I'm still not sold as a bean and root eating being. Although I've been eating much more fruit and vegies on a daily basis, I still love my meat. Especially a good piece of steak, a steamy bowl of Bak Kut Teh, or serve of crunchy KFC (Korean Fried Chicken). Man... How could I resist?

End of last year, couple of months before I hit 30, I could see a significant change in myself. It's not something my mind called upon. My taste buds for one had changed. I've picked up a lot of "new" foods to my diet. Never had I enjoyed having salad for lunch two weeks in a row, enjoyed being the operative word here. I used to take salad for the sake of loading up my greens, but I couldn't do it more than two days in a row because I found it unappetizing. But these days, I take salad to work by choice, because I enjoy having it. That is freaky for one who ruled out 98% vegies in her first 26 years of life! And I've started exercising on a regular basis - running, walking and Yoga without the intention of losing weight. All I wanted was to be fit, have big healthy lungs and eat as much as I want without piling up the kilos. I started out with near-death panting after 200m but today, my biggest achievement was doing two rounds of the Tan (equivalent to 7.6km)!

Two years ago, my shopping trolley would consist of 50% junk food 30% frozen meal and 20% fresh meat. Today my shopping trolley is filled with 40% fruit and vegies 20% healthy snack like nuts and oats 30% fresh meat and 10% junk food. Look into my basket, sometimes I freak out, sometimes I give myself gratitude and sometimes I wonder... Is this what aging does to you? Your hormone turns you into this person who's attempting to be healthier, who likes eating whatever you never used to like and turns down social event for yoga classes?

Yes, yoga. I've been practising Bikram yoga on-and-off in the last 5-6 years, mainly pre-skiing season to prep myself for the alpine challenge. So I wasn't exactly committed to it. I liked it but not enough for me to go on a regular basis. Mainly because its class times are inconvenient for me. Also, the class can get rather boring - you step into the 39c heated room, repeating the same routine for 90 minutes. I do enjoy Bikram yoga and its benefit, just not enough. Recently I've started practising Power Vinyasa Yoga and I am hooked! The instructor is awesome - interactive and inspirational, creative with her classes so we don't repeat the same routine every class, she changes our practice so you don't know what you're gonna get each time you step into the room. I booked myself in for two classes a week and I would say no to social events if it happens to be my class day. I've never been so committed to something since my Ballet days. This yoga trains a lot more of my upper body strength, which I had none. Until today, 5 weeks and 9 classes down the road, my shoulders are still sore and I'm the mofo who had trouble doing my bra buckle!

Most importantly, I've learnt to meditate using my own breathing. When I'm stressed, I practised the Ujjayi breathing. When I felt like raising my voice at someone, Ujjayi breathing. When I was nervous, Ujjayi breathing. Now the bet is on - how long am I embracing this new way of life?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

blast from the past

So the last entry wasn't a cheerful one at all. I've been wanting to post something, just so you see some positivity when you get on to this page. I've just been busy with work, partying, exercising and... Living life just basically. I was gonna post a happy photo, but there are too many just couldn't decide which one was the most appropriate for this space.

The point is, I am happy. Still haven't completely come to terms with who is gone and never coming back but I am happy. Feeling surprisingly good for one who binge drinks and eat too late on most nights. As usual - trying to cut down, still trying.

Someone from the past came knocking on my door. Actually, I guided this someone to come knock on my door. Same story, five years later... I'm taking the first step this time. In fact, I'm jumping into it. Now ball is on the other side of the court, I can only wait. See if anyone is going to miss the boat this time.

Watched Drive tonight - what a movie! Never liked Ryan Gosling, didn't like the movie but I have to say the soundtrack was awesome! Have I mentioned Gosling can't act?

Friday, July 01, 2011


Once upon a time, there was a man who loved me very very much. I was the happiest girl on earth, nothing was too difficult to get through because he always made me smile. This man has left me, forever. Nothing could make him come back to me. I am now the happy girl who cries at times, like when she's driving to work, or when she's having dinner on a Friday night. Sometimes I wonder... Do other girls who have lost him behave the same?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

fear of the Mummy

While I’m still wasting my time nursing my hangover on the weekend, or staying up late stalking some Taiwanese actor that I’m obsessed with after watching Autumn Concerto, many friends around me have entered the era of parenthood.

Log in to Facebook and a quarter of the updates are about their babies – photos, status, profile picture, links to videos, websites, amongst others. To be honest, half of the time I’m not quite interested. The other half of the time, I’m glad I get the kids updates without having to physically deal with them all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate kids, I’ve two beautiful nieces at home and I love my friends’ kids especially a handful of them who I’ve spent more time with (they’re mostly not annoying/screaming/crying/demanding kids).

What I can’t deal with are the Mamazillas. You know those mums who cannot stop talking about their children? What’s their favourite food, favourite phrase, how they act when they see their dad coming home from work, or when they see their grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunty, neighbour, etc. Yes, I understand you’re a new mummy, you’re very proud of your children, so am I. Talking about your kids over our entire lunch catch up and expecting me to response like I’m super-duper keen, THAT IS UNFAIR!

Look, we are all excited about your new life, new baby and new experience. I do look forward to hearing your stories but there should be a limit, say… 20 minutes? Anything after that would become annoying, for people like me who isn’t married, have no kids or pets, and at the same time not keen on having either one anytime soon. I could perhaps carry the baby talk with you all day if I am a mother myself but right now I am not. And if you on the other hand find me boring because I can’t give you enthusiastic-enough responses, I suggest you join a mother’s group, or spend more of your time with the other mothers. Really, it’s just like me talking to every f*cking one of you about my work, the girls I trained, how she f*cked things up, the customers I had, our funny conversation, my boss, my colleagues. They are interesting and funny – only if I don’t talk about it for the whole hour over lunch!

It makes me think, where has my friend gone? That interesting, fun-loving and witty woman who I used to hang out with. We enjoyed each other’s company, we had great conversation and we did silly things. I understand we’ve to give up the latter because we are mummy and aunty now. Is that what happens? When you give birth to a child, your child takes your personality away with them? You’ve nothing to talk about besides your offspring? You’ve no slightest interest in the outside world besides your own with your kid? You’ve no interest in knowing about my life although we called it the “catch-up session” instead of “all about my baby session”? I am sure there are more to talk about besides the baby and I am happy to help. We can talk about your cooking or the book that you’re reading? Just something!

Mamazillas are highly capable of scaring your friends away. It makes us reluctant to hang out with you. You know I feel nervous prior to catching up with these people? My heart tells me that they’re my good friends and I should not stop seeing them because of these petty little things but my head tells me that I shouldn’t go get myself tortured.

Not every one of my friends are like this, thank God for that! I do have heaps of sensible friends who are rather normal. I love listening to their baby stories because they don’t overdo it. They talk about other things, ask about me and in fact a few of them were telling me I need to give them more updates on the places I go and people I meet because they are so scared to become one of those mummies who become socially inept, the Mamazillas that I call!

You’re possibly rolling your eyes now and mumbles something like “let’s see what you would become after you have kids”. Yes, you’re probably right, I could be the worst Mamazillas around and the most annoying person with 99 photos of my newborn in my phone and I will make sure you look at every single one of them and make appropriate comments at appropriate times. I might also host a dinner party inviting a handful of my close friends so I could talk about my kids all evening and get different opinions and responses all at one go. But right now, I wholeheartedly pray that I will not be one, and for those who are one now, please take on something new in your life. Read a book, start blogging, watch the news, knit, just do something so we can discuss about it next time!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

another fail relationship

Sometimes we don’t learn until we get burnt.

I am always like that. Saying yes, yes and yes to advice of wisdom but never actually practise. And then I get myself into trouble. Just how many times have my mummy told me not to do this, this and that. Yet I just had to do it.

So I’m in debts, to the bank. And trust me when I say 70% of them weren’t on shopping. Forget about “what did I spend on”, I am just in debts. And I just realized how freaking crazy it would be if I don’t clear it soon. Thanks to the much-needed talk with a few good friends, I’m now getting on my feet and wanting to straighten things. First step, I’m taking a temporary break with my Visa. We had a bitter-sweet relationship. You made me happy and now that we’re separated, I still don’t hate you. In fact, my love for you had never changed but this unrewarding love is taking me down a dangerous path. So I cut Visa up - out of sight, out of mind. When we meet again, I'll love you much less.

And then I’ve confessed to my other good friends, admitting my problem. I weakly needed more support from them and I was right, they were anything but supportive. WDAR and Easy Mama suggested to me to return all money to the bank upfront with their money to save on interest, then I'll return their money slowly. And I suggested to pay them interest in return, at an agreed rate, that’ll definitely save me heaps compared to the bank’s.

I’m so touched by all my friends gesture. Kind words, motivational talk, sincere offers of help and genuine understanding. Once again, I’m so grateful for what I have in my life. Without you, I would’ve broken down and cry. At the same time, because I trust you as a good friend, I’ve opened myself up to you. I don’t care if you judge, laugh, roll your eyes or you think this is what I’ve to go through to learn, I am determined to get my finances right!

After I clear my debts, I’ll start my base-building, as spoken about by Lili!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Chen Wei Zheng

He was one year my senior in the class right across from mine. I don't remember the first time we spoke but I remembered him telling me he fell in love with me from a paper cutout on his class's wall. An article of mine was published in the local paper, with a photo of mine attached. Their class teacher got it posted on their wall. He said he liked my smile in the photo, and liked me even more after seeing me in person

We became friends and we were on the phone a lot. I didn't like him that way, nothing like that. He was 12 at that time, a kid literally. So was I. Never once crossed my mind that a boy and a girl that age could like each other more than just friends. I remembered him cycling to my house with his parent's mobile phone, ringing me at home to chat.

God knows what happened to me with gold fish memory, all these just came right back into my head this afternoon. Nineteen years ago yet so blardy clear. I wonder where and how is he now. To be honest, I have very vague memory of his face. In hindsight, he was such a sweetheart. Oh well, one must be damn genuine when you're merely 12.

So I was trying to get more information from Always Skinny but she turned out not to remember much, for once! I swear I would've texted Hitam Manis if she isn't holidaying in New Zealand currently. So there I go, went through about 500 out of 3500 people who "like" my school on Facebook. Ridiculous I know. Would be very lovely to see him again.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I remembered there are more...

Thank you God for giving me such kind friends, and thank you my friends for constantly looking out for me. There is no word to express how grateful and relieved I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

Besides my wonderful family, who loves me unconditionally, whether by choice or not, I’m very blessed to have amazing friends in my life. They’ve been with me through thick and thin, laughed at my lame jokes, provided help when I was in need and protection when I fell.

I remembered a year when I wanted to be back in Melbourne for Summadayze during my summer break - my friends established the Foundation for LL’s Summadayze. I bought the air ticket and had a fabulous time at Summadayze. I returned their money eventually but I wouldn’t have made it back without their generosity to begin with. One of them paid for half of the ticket and refused to take my money.

I remembered a friend took us to Brisbane and Gold Coast with her frequent flyer points. We had a wonderful time despite the lack of sun and a little bit of hangover here and there. I am still reminiscing.

I remembered I was moving home and it took me forever to finish packing up the kitchen and bathroom. A friend came over after dinner and packed my life away on my behalf, all in fifteen minutes. And got me moving, moving. Pun intended.

I remembered how my mum wouldn’t let me drive to go out at night back home. Somehow my friends would always offer to come and get me and drive me home safely after. We partied like rockstars everytime and the fact that I live so damn far away isn’t an issue anymore.

I remembered a friend wanted me to be at her wedding, and I wanted to be at the wedding too of course. One day, I received an e-ticket in my mailbox. I got myself a new dress and attended the memorable wedding which I would never ever wanted to miss. Spending that extra money on top of your luxurious wedding was very very much appreciated.

I remembered another friend knew I was struggling with rent, bills and everything money-related yet I’ve committed to attend someone’s wedding in Seoul. This friend booked me a return air-ticket to Seoul using her frequent flyer points, and up until today, still not taking the money that I offered to pay her.

I remembered the break-ups and heart-breaks I had gone through. There were friends come knocking on my door with food in hand, cheering me up and making me eat. And there are friends who had to deal with my constant phone calls, crying and ranting over the same bullshit. Man... I was a nightmare!

I remembered there was a time where I missed my budget flight back to Melbourne because I was severely hungover. I was shitting myself because back then, I was still spending mummy’s money but a friend bought me a new one-way ticket to go home. Not only I stayed out of trouble with mum, I got to spend more time with family and friends in KL too.

I remembered just too many times I was so broke I didn’t even have enough money to eat or to pay bills. These friends are always lending me money, I returned, and borrowed again. They’ve been so patient with me, I just don’t know what to say besides promising myself that this year, I’m gonna get my money right. Spend within my limit and clear my debts!

I remembered my bestie bought me a ticket to go on holiday with her for my birthday. She said that way we both could have a good time, and explore different part of Australia together. It was way better than buying me another gift that I probably don’t need. Absolutely right and those Tasmanian experience will never be forgotten.

I remembered friends who really do not mind taking me out, buying me drinks/meal because they really want us to spend time together. At many times I would say no because I really do feel like a free-loader. But I’ve learnt that this is what we do for friends. I’d have done the same for others when they are in need.

I also remembered there was once I bought a whole chicken home and I got a panic-attacked after unwrapping it. I couldn’t deal with a dead animal in whole. I hyper-ventilated, rang a friend frantically and she turned up a few hours later to my rescue. She chopped the damn chicken up for me.

So I am thinking, putting the under-payed job, constantly broke, can’t even afford my own home yet and the occasionally bad days aside, I’m actually living a really good life. I just have to say that I’m a very lucky person who has great family and friends and I know money can’t buy them!

frozen memory

Unfortunately there are some memories that cannot be erased. The pain is just as palpable as when it first hit us. Curry asked me the other day if I am okay, and she is gonna be all ears if I'm ready to speak about it. Really, what is there to speak about? It's so over.

Can't sleep from blocked nose, just hope tomorrow won't come so quickly for me...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

no resolution, it is happening

I don't know what triggered these changes. Whether I'm entering early mid-life crisis, pre-big-three crisis, broke to my bone crisis, or I am just a changed (refuse to use the word better) person. Gone are the days of mid-week drinking and going to work hungover. Since I came back from my holidays, which is merely three weeks and so, I've been living a relatively healthy life.

I've just taken up running. Man... and I thought I couldn't run. I wouldn't say I can run now but at least I'm trying. 3.82km at the Tan Track two - three times a week. When I had a bad day at work, my body tells me I wanna run. Awesome way to de-stress I have to say - get some fresh air, sweat it all out and call it a day. I'm also back to Bikram yoga, just once or twice a week. I swear I don't want to turn into exercise-junkie, I just want to be healthy. I want big lungs.

In fact, I started yoga end of last year with seven weeks hiatus pre, during and post holiday early this year. I still enjoy my alcohol, that's for sure. Like I had a great night out on Saturday, and after work drinks yesterday, then running on Sunday and today to offset the drinking. Yep, I've this theory, my Offset Theory. It's all about balance, today you go on detox, tomorrow you get yourself retoxed. Today I drink (and still looking) like a whale, tomorrow I get myself to sweat them all out. Make pretty good sense to me!

Oh, now I remember what triggered my fitness regime! My beautiful mama friends! Yes, that's right! Many of my friends are new mummies now, some again. What I had noticed was the difference between active vs. inactive mothers. How easy vs. difficult they had gone through their pregnancy, labour and post-natal recovery. There's one thing in common for those mummies who didn't suffer from unpleasant symptoms - they are all very fit people. They exercised regularly before, during and after their pregnancy. As a result, whether that is related or it's just one of my theory, they recovered much quicker after labour, and of course, they fitted into their old denims much quicker too.

So I was thinking, I should start exercising and prep my body for childbirth. Yes, you heard me right, I am prepping my body for childbirth and no, I am not in a relationship, I am no where near going to the sperm bank and I don't want kids now but I want to get myself ready in case I want my biological kids. Don't know when I'm ever gonna be in a relationship or when I'm ever gonna be ready for kids, there's no guessing right in life.

That's one thing. Another things is I want to preserve my youth (now you can laugh)! I might be going through the "f*ck I'm 30!" anxiety. I wanna be forever young, inside out; outside in! As shallow as I sound, I want to look good! I seriously don't wanna be stick skinny, I'm over that. I just wanna be toned. That's what the old people always tell me, "my secret to looking the way I am now is to keep exercising and stay away from the sun". Haven't master the latter - got sunburn two weekends ago, ouch!!!

I'm putting my hands together welcoming the new me in the new 2011. Going into the forth month already but this is my first post of the year so... Happy new year and happy new me. I'm ready to take on the world, the childbirth, the 30th and whatever that knocks on my door. Bring it on baby!