Thursday, October 25, 2012

faraway gal

It's always about choice - to smile or not; to turn around or to keep walking, to hold on or to let go. In my case, just a very simple one - to live in Melbourne and try to live a life. This choice also means I've to leave a lot behind me. Oh well, not really "behind" me but a few HUGE "no"s. Forget about the uncountable babies. I am talking about weddings, the very good friends' wedding. In the name of money, and most importantly work, I've turned down (unreluctantly) a few weddings.

 - Joey, the most creative person who design this whole page. Amazing wedding I saw (on FB), no doubt about your creativity. I still cannot believe you 'whipped up' my page in minutes. You and Regine are blardy awesome together!

- Gwen, my childhood doppelganger just because grandma used to mistaken me for Gwen. This girl look so amazing at her beach wedding of the decade, OMFG! Can you look any prettier???!!! Leonard is the luckiest guy, EVER!

- Pat, happening this weekend and I haven't changed my mind - I do wanna be at your wedding but work + money won't allow. I was just thinking about the amazing times we had together in our very short but extremely sweet years. "Princess Model" wishes you and Amir an amazing life together!

- Ju, we grew up together. I love having my big sis looking after me. Alrighty, Tracy is the big sister and I'm double your size but you never fail to take care of me like your little sister. I know you've booked me 18 months ago but with my current job, I just cannot make it. I love you, and I'm so happy for you!

Finally some good news - I am going to make it to Leesa's wedding, woot!!! Someday I'll look back and realized it's a mistake to choose to live here, sigh... First world pain!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

losing end

Amazing how we can be so affected by our jobs (note: I’ve a job not a career). Bean told me earlier this week that she couldn’t sleep. She was feeling like crap – stressing out about unfinished work, yet she’s mega unmotivated. She’s no desire to go to work and these piled-up tasks are just making it worse.

Come to think of it, we do spend 1/3 of our day at work. That’s a lot of time!

As for myself, I’m feeling like a big loser at the moment. There were times where I’d gone through stress and pressure, so much so that I lost sleep, dreamt about work and woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed. But right now, it’s not about stress, not about pressure or competition. I just feel like I am a big (fat) loser! The fat part isn’t quite related to work I’ve to admit.

Just spoken to boss, she was all chirpy and hyped up – yes, she had a fabulous day on her side of work. Can’t remember when was the last time she sounded so happy. She was just saying how a good/bad day at work could alter one’s mood. Of course! My weekend is here so I shall keep my fingers crossed next week is a winning one. Anyway, I am going to NKOTBSB concert tonight, ticket courtesy of Daddy K, now that’s a winner!

Friday, May 18, 2012

recycling, sharing and taking

That night we were talking about former partners – whether they were husbands, boyfriends, dates, flings or just one-night-stands. We spoke about who we keep in touch with, who we never ever want to see again, and who had been “recycled”.

Right, we don’t want to date a virgin so in most cases, we’re going out with someone’s ex. That’s how relationships are right? You go out with one, things don’t work out, you move on. Meet another, psychotic, grab your clothes and run for the exit. This keeps going till you’ve found “the one” and announce that you’re out of these hunting games.

What about “recycling” within your group of friends?

Some many years ago, I was a firm believer in “I don’t want him, and I don’t want anyone else to have him”. Immature I must admit. That was a long time ago. Then I’ve adopted the idea of “let other’s play with my old toys, it’s dated and I’m not going to take a second look”. That made my life a lot easier, and happier. Everything that’s in my expired pile is free to good homes. One said she can’t take the awkwardness of seeing her ex with her friend – I don’t see it the same way unless we broke up yesterday and he’s with my friend today. We just have to be honest with our feelings – if I’m not over this person, it is my responsibility to make it known. When I don’t feel anything for this person anymore, he goes straight to the expired pile. Simple as that.

I, on the other hand, am not so cool about being a second hand user. Till date, I’ve not been out with any of my friend’s ex. I find it disgusting. I do know that we should never say never so yeah… Perhaps I’ll find a friend’s ex-boyfriend so irresistible, I’m so madly, deeply, truly in love with that I don’t care he had been with three of my good friends, I just want to be with him. Well, he gotta be that irresistible to have gone out with three of my good friends, right?

That’s just me. Just so you know, I was one who did not want to take my brother’s hand-me-down textbooks. We went through the same syllabus in primary school and mind you, my brother didn’t spend much of his time on his textbooks so they were relatively new. But I insisted on new books. Come to think of it, that was a bit excessive. I was very spoilt. But my brother and I are generous people, never hesitate to give away what we don’t need. Of course, those textbooks went straight to charity as soon as we were done with them. I absolutely have no issue having others enjoying what was mine.

That’s my take on recycling, sharing and taking.

p.s. I don’t borrow clothes either but I’m more than happy to share mind with you. Just make sure you return them, in their original condition.

Friday, December 30, 2011

so hard to admit

Oh My God! Someone just accused me of having commitment issues. That was so mean. So very mean! Yes, I've been in bad relationships, I've been single for a long enough time and I find it difficult to put myself out there again, but I don't see that as having commitment issues. We've been on two dates, exchanged many text messages, you sent me flowers, I never wanted to kiss you and I'm pretty much decided that's where I want this relationship to stay. I want your attention but I don't want to be with you. I would rather be called an attention seeking bitch than one with commitment issues! Because once you've brought it up, it makes me think... Do I have commitment issues?

Saturday, December 24, 2011

let there be love

Christmas was my favourite holiday when I was a kid. My family didn’t celebrate Christmas in a religious way - it was just holiday and family time to us. When we were kids, mum and Dad would take Allan and I to the fancy hotels, to look at the Christmas deco, listen to Christmas carols and do that countdown at the hotel lounge. It was the best time of the year - it was school holidays; we didn’t have to visit the relatives like Chinese New Year time, it’s just US; we got to take uncountable photos with the reindeers, Styrofoam-snow and Santa with cotton wool moustache.

And then we grew into teenagers, where Christmas meant passport for us to not go home. We partied at friends, serviced apartments or anywhere that accommodated our binge drinking behaviour. That went on for a couple of years before I left home for Melbourne. Christmas became a home event during my summer break - hotpot, BBQ, or just an ordinary dinner and a drive downtown to look at the Christmas lights. I didn’t want to spend another Christmas to be out partying, I just wanted to be with the family.

Christmas however became meaningless to me, after Dad left us. Sometimes, like now, it’s a painful time of the year because it brings back memories. Christmas means public holiday to me, time off from work, wild card to irresponsible drinking and binge eating. Oh well, I seem to have many of these wild cards during the year anyway. Last night, D40 was sending me photos of the city light show where he went with his family. I was lying in bed looking at the photos and I just couldn’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I miss watching Christmas lights with the family.

I solemnly wish you guys are spending this silly season with your loved ones - the family, the lover, the friends or even by yourself. Hope all of you are living the moment and enjoying life as it presents itself to you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

aging could be doing me good!

Yoga is like my new religion, it's my way of life... Except that I'm still not sold as a bean and root eating being. Although I've been eating much more fruit and vegies on a daily basis, I still love my meat. Especially a good piece of steak, a steamy bowl of Bak Kut Teh, or serve of crunchy KFC (Korean Fried Chicken). Man... How could I resist?

End of last year, couple of months before I hit 30, I could see a significant change in myself. It's not something my mind called upon. My taste buds for one had changed. I've picked up a lot of "new" foods to my diet. Never had I enjoyed having salad for lunch two weeks in a row, enjoyed being the operative word here. I used to take salad for the sake of loading up my greens, but I couldn't do it more than two days in a row because I found it unappetizing. But these days, I take salad to work by choice, because I enjoy having it. That is freaky for one who ruled out 98% vegies in her first 26 years of life! And I've started exercising on a regular basis - running, walking and Yoga without the intention of losing weight. All I wanted was to be fit, have big healthy lungs and eat as much as I want without piling up the kilos. I started out with near-death panting after 200m but today, my biggest achievement was doing two rounds of the Tan (equivalent to 7.6km)!

Two years ago, my shopping trolley would consist of 50% junk food 30% frozen meal and 20% fresh meat. Today my shopping trolley is filled with 40% fruit and vegies 20% healthy snack like nuts and oats 30% fresh meat and 10% junk food. Look into my basket, sometimes I freak out, sometimes I give myself gratitude and sometimes I wonder... Is this what aging does to you? Your hormone turns you into this person who's attempting to be healthier, who likes eating whatever you never used to like and turns down social event for yoga classes?

Yes, yoga. I've been practising Bikram yoga on-and-off in the last 5-6 years, mainly pre-skiing season to prep myself for the alpine challenge. So I wasn't exactly committed to it. I liked it but not enough for me to go on a regular basis. Mainly because its class times are inconvenient for me. Also, the class can get rather boring - you step into the 39c heated room, repeating the same routine for 90 minutes. I do enjoy Bikram yoga and its benefit, just not enough. Recently I've started practising Power Vinyasa Yoga and I am hooked! The instructor is awesome - interactive and inspirational, creative with her classes so we don't repeat the same routine every class, she changes our practice so you don't know what you're gonna get each time you step into the room. I booked myself in for two classes a week and I would say no to social events if it happens to be my class day. I've never been so committed to something since my Ballet days. This yoga trains a lot more of my upper body strength, which I had none. Until today, 5 weeks and 9 classes down the road, my shoulders are still sore and I'm the mofo who had trouble doing my bra buckle!

Most importantly, I've learnt to meditate using my own breathing. When I'm stressed, I practised the Ujjayi breathing. When I felt like raising my voice at someone, Ujjayi breathing. When I was nervous, Ujjayi breathing. Now the bet is on - how long am I embracing this new way of life?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

blast from the past

So the last entry wasn't a cheerful one at all. I've been wanting to post something, just so you see some positivity when you get on to this page. I've just been busy with work, partying, exercising and... Living life just basically. I was gonna post a happy photo, but there are too many just couldn't decide which one was the most appropriate for this space.

The point is, I am happy. Still haven't completely come to terms with who is gone and never coming back but I am happy. Feeling surprisingly good for one who binge drinks and eat too late on most nights. As usual - trying to cut down, still trying.

Someone from the past came knocking on my door. Actually, I guided this someone to come knock on my door. Same story, five years later... I'm taking the first step this time. In fact, I'm jumping into it. Now ball is on the other side of the court, I can only wait. See if anyone is going to miss the boat this time.

Watched Drive tonight - what a movie! Never liked Ryan Gosling, didn't like the movie but I have to say the soundtrack was awesome! Have I mentioned Gosling can't act?

Friday, July 01, 2011


Once upon a time, there was a man who loved me very very much. I was the happiest girl on earth, nothing was too difficult to get through because he always made me smile. This man has left me, forever. Nothing could make him come back to me. I am now the happy girl who cries at times, like when she's driving to work, or when she's having dinner on a Friday night. Sometimes I wonder... Do other girls who have lost him behave the same?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

fear of the Mummy

While I’m still wasting my time nursing my hangover on the weekend, or staying up late stalking some Taiwanese actor that I’m obsessed with after watching Autumn Concerto, many friends around me have entered the era of parenthood.

Log in to Facebook and a quarter of the updates are about their babies – photos, status, profile picture, links to videos, websites, amongst others. To be honest, half of the time I’m not quite interested. The other half of the time, I’m glad I get the kids updates without having to physically deal with them all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate kids, I’ve two beautiful nieces at home and I love my friends’ kids especially a handful of them who I’ve spent more time with (they’re mostly not annoying/screaming/crying/demanding kids).

What I can’t deal with are the Mamazillas. You know those mums who cannot stop talking about their children? What’s their favourite food, favourite phrase, how they act when they see their dad coming home from work, or when they see their grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunty, neighbour, etc. Yes, I understand you’re a new mummy, you’re very proud of your children, so am I. Talking about your kids over our entire lunch catch up and expecting me to response like I’m super-duper keen, THAT IS UNFAIR!

Look, we are all excited about your new life, new baby and new experience. I do look forward to hearing your stories but there should be a limit, say… 20 minutes? Anything after that would become annoying, for people like me who isn’t married, have no kids or pets, and at the same time not keen on having either one anytime soon. I could perhaps carry the baby talk with you all day if I am a mother myself but right now I am not. And if you on the other hand find me boring because I can’t give you enthusiastic-enough responses, I suggest you join a mother’s group, or spend more of your time with the other mothers. Really, it’s just like me talking to every f*cking one of you about my work, the girls I trained, how she f*cked things up, the customers I had, our funny conversation, my boss, my colleagues. They are interesting and funny – only if I don’t talk about it for the whole hour over lunch!

It makes me think, where has my friend gone? That interesting, fun-loving and witty woman who I used to hang out with. We enjoyed each other’s company, we had great conversation and we did silly things. I understand we’ve to give up the latter because we are mummy and aunty now. Is that what happens? When you give birth to a child, your child takes your personality away with them? You’ve nothing to talk about besides your offspring? You’ve no slightest interest in the outside world besides your own with your kid? You’ve no interest in knowing about my life although we called it the “catch-up session” instead of “all about my baby session”? I am sure there are more to talk about besides the baby and I am happy to help. We can talk about your cooking or the book that you’re reading? Just something!

Mamazillas are highly capable of scaring your friends away. It makes us reluctant to hang out with you. You know I feel nervous prior to catching up with these people? My heart tells me that they’re my good friends and I should not stop seeing them because of these petty little things but my head tells me that I shouldn’t go get myself tortured.

Not every one of my friends are like this, thank God for that! I do have heaps of sensible friends who are rather normal. I love listening to their baby stories because they don’t overdo it. They talk about other things, ask about me and in fact a few of them were telling me I need to give them more updates on the places I go and people I meet because they are so scared to become one of those mummies who become socially inept, the Mamazillas that I call!

You’re possibly rolling your eyes now and mumbles something like “let’s see what you would become after you have kids”. Yes, you’re probably right, I could be the worst Mamazillas around and the most annoying person with 99 photos of my newborn in my phone and I will make sure you look at every single one of them and make appropriate comments at appropriate times. I might also host a dinner party inviting a handful of my close friends so I could talk about my kids all evening and get different opinions and responses all at one go. But right now, I wholeheartedly pray that I will not be one, and for those who are one now, please take on something new in your life. Read a book, start blogging, watch the news, knit, just do something so we can discuss about it next time!

Saturday, April 09, 2011

another fail relationship

Sometimes we don’t learn until we get burnt.

I am always like that. Saying yes, yes and yes to advice of wisdom but never actually practise. And then I get myself into trouble. Just how many times have my mummy told me not to do this, this and that. Yet I just had to do it.

So I’m in debts, to the bank. And trust me when I say 70% of them weren’t on shopping. Forget about “what did I spend on”, I am just in debts. And I just realized how freaking crazy it would be if I don’t clear it soon. Thanks to the much-needed talk with a few good friends, I’m now getting on my feet and wanting to straighten things. First step, I’m taking a temporary break with my Visa. We had a bitter-sweet relationship. You made me happy and now that we’re separated, I still don’t hate you. In fact, my love for you had never changed but this unrewarding love is taking me down a dangerous path. So I cut Visa up - out of sight, out of mind. When we meet again, I'll love you much less.

And then I’ve confessed to my other good friends, admitting my problem. I weakly needed more support from them and I was right, they were anything but supportive. WDAR and Easy Mama suggested to me to return all money to the bank upfront with their money to save on interest, then I'll return their money slowly. And I suggested to pay them interest in return, at an agreed rate, that’ll definitely save me heaps compared to the bank’s.

I’m so touched by all my friends gesture. Kind words, motivational talk, sincere offers of help and genuine understanding. Once again, I’m so grateful for what I have in my life. Without you, I would’ve broken down and cry. At the same time, because I trust you as a good friend, I’ve opened myself up to you. I don’t care if you judge, laugh, roll your eyes or you think this is what I’ve to go through to learn, I am determined to get my finances right!

After I clear my debts, I’ll start my base-building, as spoken about by Lili!