got milk? say NO!

I've rashes, dermatitis allergies Olga (my homoepath) said this afternoon. How I started going natural, believing in naturopathy and homoepathy happened about ten years ago. I was introduced to this so-called doctor by a friend when I was suffering from this chronic cough for more than a month. He eased my pain within 24 hours. Then he performed his magic again with completely curing my eczema - which I had since I was a baby - from the root. In the last 10 years I was eczema-free. For those who have no allergies-related skin condition, you will have no idea how painful that could get. So, like adopting a new religion, I've abandoned the old steroid creams, antibiotics, painkillers, anti-histamines, cold and flu tablets, cough syrups, and all sorts of drugs/chemicals we believe would only suppress our illness and not treating from its root.

Last Saturday, rashes came to wish me happy new year, damn it! I look absolutely disgusting right now, because I couldn't stop myself from scratching the rashes WHEN I'M SLEEPING! Look, I've been very disciplined while I'm awake, by using diluted apple cider vinegar to stop the itch and aloe vera gel to soothe the skin. In these high thirty degrees day, yours truly is too embarrassed to wear anything sleeveless in fear of being seen as the woman with deadly skin disease. This is double depression for me.

Now I HAVE to eat much more healthily. It's true, these two weeks I've been eating rubbish! I've been so drained from all these Christmas and New Year celebrations, even more I've to work through the festive season besides the actual days, I have been mistreating my body with bad eating. I've been feeding myself all these junk food, fast food and frozen food, no wonder my skin rallies for nutrients! I am f*cking upset with these rashes but in a way it is good because my body is reacting to whatever that I'm allergic to, and to me being malnutrition. These are all natural. Who would think a person like me with the size of a baby whale is malnutrition. I chuckled at that term when it came out from Olga's mouth.

So she said I'm corrupted. Because I love dairy - my cheddar and camembert and Danish blue and brie and yoghurt in the morning and mozzarella in every possible dish I cook. I'm asian and dairy is not in our diet traditionally. Apparently, asians never suffered from osteoporosis until they were "corrupted". Hello dairy, hello osteoporosis, and hello bad skin! Yes, there's calcium in milk but our body doesn't absorb much from it, instead more problems are created. She's not the first, nor the second but the forth person who told me to stop taking dairy. Everyone of them including a renowned dermatologist explained to me in their own ways with their own reasons. I totally buy them, I understand and I believe, but my love for the pungency of blue, the spicy-ness of vintage cheddar, the chewiness of mozzarella and softness of double brie is hard to cease. Today, Olga said to me milk is not for human, they are for cows! Very well said. The dermatologist told me milk is from pregnant cows that are raging with hormones. HORMONES. Okay, so I've to start all over again with my extremely-low-dairy diet. I'm allowed to have a treat now and then, sigh... so depressing (again!).

Fingers crossed I'll look better soon, as in tomorrow morning because it's 36 degrees tomorrow, it will be wonderful if I'm granted the option of wearing a strappy summer dress to work and meet some friends for drinks afterwards. Otherwise, I'll be cursing all the way till I'm fully recovered! 41 degrees Monday, hope that will change over the weekend. It's not good when it's too hot, dangerous. I solemnly pray for no bushfire, more rain to come, and smooth skin tomorrow morning, please...

there's a tear

It was a long hiatus. Blame it on Twitter, or I'm just solely lazy. I've read on a friend's blog before (I don't remember who) all his entries are depressing, because he/she only writes when he's unhappy. I kind of understand what he meant. Because sometimes when you're feeling blue, you do not know how to make yourself feel better besides writing. For one, I'm not good at sharing misery in real life.

Yes, I'm feeling very much under the weather but I'll get over it.

So it's a new year, actually, a new decade. It's a new beginning and I could almost feel it in my skin that all good things are about to happen. I'm all hyped up for the new year, looking forward to better career opportunities, new adventures, better lifestyle, tip-top health condition, and all things positive. I do, I really do. And I know it's gonna happen but sometimes, just these very small fraction of times that would make me lie in bed and cry. This part of me who is so bad with letting go and getting over grief. And then I ask myself - f*ck, am I depressed? I think I'm just damaged and this piece of damaged goods likes the pain; because pain makes her feel that He's near her, everything is fresh and new and He hasn't gone too far for too long.

Enough said, I'm screwed because as everyone is moving on with life and embracing the happier moments, this very small part of me is stuck in the past. Ironically, I've no issue sharing with you here, neither do I have issue admitting it but I just do not want to talk about it to anyone.

It does feel good letting my fingers do the work. I'm feeling better now, tears are dry, nose is cleared. Have I also told you that I really appreciate those of you who read this space, who knows when I'm depressed, who leaves me message but never ever bring it up in person when I see you? Thank you. We shall keep it that way, xoxo

food vs rotting at home

I'm home from another holiday to a (still) cold and wet Melbourne. Spring is here but the weather sure isn't. I wouldn't complain though, I love it cold. Mt Hutt was a small mountain but long runs and dry powder snow made up for it. We had a ball on the slopes but felt cheated because we lost 1.5 days of skiing as the mountain was closed due to bad weather. I'm thinking of doing a mid-week at Falls if the snow condition is still good, and also depends on which days I get off work.

What is worth a mention is that I wasn't sore at all after skiing this time. I supposed all these cycling and Bikram yoga are doing my body good! I used to get bad muscle sore all over after an intense day of skiing except in Japan (thanks to the amazing healing/relaxing power of the onsen). This time, I woke up every morning like my body had not done any sport. I really should TRY to keep up my fitness level at all times.

Christchurch is a quiet little city with absolutely revolting retail window display. Sorry, I couldn't help but noticed they have the ugliest window display I've seen for a long time. Other than that, I actually quite like this city, despite the fact that most things closed too early and food was pretty ordinary. I even managed to spent all my KL-trip expenses on clothes! Honestly, clothes in NZ (I'm not talking about Karen Walker kinda clothes) are pretty shit but I managed to find a lot of nice ones from Max. I came home with a whole new wardrobe, very exciting!

With only 3 nights in Christchurch, we managed to discover some hidden laneways without the help of guidebooks. SOL square was easy to find as it was the "must-visit" place with lots of street art, fancy restaurants and bars. That's where I got drunk and made friends with some locals. We also found another hidden laneway, that took us to a stretch of European-style bars and cafe, including a Russian vodka bar. I'm sure there are more to discover about Christchurch but really, 3 nights were enough for this trip.

Started work the day after I got back. It's good to be back at work. I almost forgot that I don't get paid when I don't work, that's really, really sad. Getting a day off today and I'm thinking of going to Mt Dandenongs for food. Should I, or shouldn't I?

we're sending our love from Methven

We had an amazing day yesterday. Great weather plus fresh snow, we just couldn't ask for more. In fact, we're planning for Queenstown next year already. Holiday is always good...

one night only, Bronson

Four more sleeps and we'll be in Christchurch. Very exciting but I've 101 things to do before I go. My place is in a big mess since I've been working everyday, all I wanna do at the end of the day is have a good meal, watch some bad TV and hit the sack. Had two days off last week because I was sick like a dog. I was feeling rather run-down prior to that. Of course, I had been working everyday with no day-off for more than two weeks, pffftt! Anyway, lots of herbal tea and two visits to my homoeopath put me back in shape.

Got a message from Bronson on Tuesday. He was in town for just one night so the very sick me with husky voice caught up with this very good, old friend for dinner and drinks, then more drinks, and more drinks... He looked very well, in fact, he looked younger than six years ago, how is that possible? Don't ask me! He hasn't revealed his secret. I was really excited to see him. We used to hang out in KL back in those days, erm... about 10 years back? We were young, fearless and green. We went to places, we met people and we kicked arse. Those years were mad, I don't think I can ever feel the same way today regardless of how much fun I have. Not in a bad way though, we just experience things differently as we mature.

Before getting Bronson from his hotel, I was a little worried that we would have nothing to talk about. Man... we couldn't stop talking from the moment he got in the car. We picked it up from exactly where we've left it. It's really warming to see friends like that. Don't you just wish we've more of these friends in life? I'm lucky to have many, and I love effortless conversation with good friends. Sasha joined us after dinner, we went to a couple of bars after. Sasha ended up not remembering how she got home. It was such great evening - spontaneous, great company and heaps of sake, vodka, cognac + cocktails! Thinking about Tuesday night puts a big smile on my face.

He promised he'll be back for Spring Carnival. Just can't wait for that!

I'm so awake now after dinner. Sometimes Bikram yoga really screws up my time. I finish at 9-ish, dinner at 10-ish after shower and by time I clean up it'll be almost midnight. I'll be so awake and I'll curse when the alarm rings the following day, damn! Perhaps I should wind down now and prepare for bed. Looking forward to sexy, windy and wet weather tomorrow, :)

my daughter has grown so much!

I miss my little cheeky!

headache is annoying me right now!

I was on an alcohol-free detox last week, and it lasted for five-and-a-half days. It was by far the most successful and longest hiatus I've had since god knows how long ago! Besides being alcohol-free, I was also eating pretty healthily, with maximum amount of home-cooking. Cycling and yoga are resumed (weather permitting). With all these effort, you'll think I'm a healthier and fitter person? Hell no! I don't feel well today. I was pretty much okay today until I got this massive headache after lunch, followed by sore throat and body ache. I thought I had a temperature too. Sigh... I really can't afford to fall sick. Got some takeaway congee after work and headed straight home. Ate, had a hot shower, gargled with Listerine, made myself herbal tea and planning to get 12-hour sleep. I hope I'll be better tomorrow morning or I'll call in sick although that's the last thing I wanna do.

I'm probably just run-down from work. I've been working everyday and I don't plan to get any day-off until my Christchurch holiday. I need the money so I really appreciate my boss to give me all these hours that I need. Unfortunately, I didn't perform very well on Sunday and today, aarrrgghh!!! I hope that wouldn't affect my roster next week because I desperately need them! I've Thursday, Friday and Saturday to redeem myself so please...

Anyway, to reward myself for being such a good girl last week, I made myself some kick-arse prawn+bacon risoni for dinner on Friday night, and popped open one of my favourite white wines that most of my friends don't enjoy. It's an acquired taste and I would rather have it by myself if no one appreciates it. Saturday night I got kidnapped by Mike Monkey to the new Lagerfeld Beer Garden. Beautiful venue but the crowd was crap, oh well, what can I expect from a Crown outlet? Anyway, one bar after another and we ended up at 1806 again, a very plastered me was having sandwiches and cocktails at 4am at the bar, that was "very lady-like"!

So my life of getting sloshed three times a week has gone. It is now working like a dog and drink myself silly just once a week. I'm trying to eliminate that one time too, I'll keep trying...

tribute to Joey Khor

Tell me the new layout is not lovely. Tell me it is not me. All these happened over night, thanks to Joey! Man... this is just amazing! I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone that I've got my Diploma in Graphic Design but I've got a bunch of friends who are great designers though. Oh well, at least I gain something from college days *giggle*

Anyways, I'm very pleased with myself today. Twenty-two days to Christchurch. I cycled to work after a two-week hiatus. I rode yesterday too but riding to South Yarra is actually easier compared to Carlton although the latter is much nearer to me. It was uphill after uphill today. And the strong wind wasn't helping at all! I was riding against the wind so it definitely slow me down and the dust was annoying. Most importantly, Pinko and LL made it home safely after struggling very hard to keep Pinko straight and not getting blown away.

I've also gotten back to Bikram Yoga after a one year break. It was also my first class after I had my fracture on my spine. Instructor said I was pretty good for one who had stopped for a year but I could feel the pain on that particular disk that had caused me pain in the past ten months. It only hurts when I'm doing certain positions though. It was very disappointing, sigh... So people, listen to me. Love your spine, love yourself, there's nothing more important than having a healthy body, especially your spine. My condition is irreversible, I'm just hoping with more practise and exercises, I'll build stronger muscle on my back to support my spine and I'll eventually get better. I'm really upset about my back.

Alrighty, it's getting late, gotta go catch up on my beauty sleep so I don't feel like crap at work. I wanna go yoga again tomorrow but I'm not particularly motivated. I'll tell you if I make it there. Sweet dreams my dears!

best friends, expectations and honesty

Twenty-three days before Christchurch. I've finally decided to take this holiday and go enjoy myself in the snow. So the intensive pre-skiing cardio training just started today, which I haven't done much, bwahahaha... except that I got myself a 90-minute massage. Honestly, I think I deserved it. Who works thirteen days consecutively? I do. Enough said. So for those who don't understand and make comments like "thought you said you're broke, and you've money to go for a massage?", you may just assumed I lied.

As I grow older, I find it harder to have people who understand me. Or shall I say, as I grow older, I realized people who seemed to know me actually don't know me as well as I would love them to? "Best friend", a label that I've stopped naming my friends since my late teens, came to mind. What is best friend? What are their tasks, and what do they need to do/not do to fit into the category?

When I was in kindergarten, my best friend was the one who shared with me her biscuits and played with me during breaks. In primary school, my best friend was the one who spoke with me over the phone for hours and kept my secrets. In high school, my best friend was the one who went to places with me before/after school, the person who shared all secrets with me and be my vault. In college, my best friend was the person who shared the same interest as me and enjoyed similar lifestyle with me. So how many best friends have I had in my life? A handful but at the end, I've decided this labeling game is just meaningless. If you ask me now, I say everyone can be my best friend, but with the condition of no expectations.

Watching all these evolutions of interpersonal relationships around me made me realized, EXPECTATION is a real killer in many relationships. I've seen friendships falling out because of expectation issues. Annie expects Bambi to behave like Camy but Bambi is acting like Dolly so Annie bitches about Bambi in front of Elsa and Bambi is jealous and accuses Elsa of snatching her BEST FRIEND, Annie. Happens all the time on your right, left, front and back. You know what I'm talking about. Wouldn't life be easier if we don't expect so much from others. Of course, I'm not the kinda great person you read about who gives unconditionally and expect nothing in return, but I'm learning and trying to influence people around me to expect less from family, friends and lover. Easy to say, hard to achieve I know. Look at me, I've failed 101 times in my past relationships and fought 1001 times with family members, expectation was the main poison. Friends wise, I'm doing pretty alright, or at least I would like to think that I am.

Back to the best friend story. I've friends who swear to each other that they are "best friends". They were very close, like spent a lot of time together, stayed under the same roof, traveled together, shared same interests, etc. Let's call them Fiona and Gina. What I see of these two is that they are the artificial best friends. They share good times together, travel, party, go to places, experience the good things in life, living up to each others' expectations but the missing ingredient in this so called best-friend-relationship is honesty. Fiona doesn't know much about Gina's personality, and I'm not sure how much Gina knows about Fiona. And when you ask Fiona, she says they don't discuss about things like that. Later, I found out that Gina lied to Fiona about things that me and ten other people are certain of.

Now my question is - Can you be best friends without honesty?

Gosh... my mind is so scattered and I am rambling. It's been a while since I wrote and I've been having all these thoughts about best friends, honesty and expectations. That's the problem when I don't write them down straight away and waited this long to come up with a structure-less entry instead. So, can we be best friends with me pretending to be someone else in front of you and lie occasionally so I look like I'm a better person to you?

Anyway, big thank you to Joey who is going to redesign my page. I was being very annoying and kinda forced him to say "yes" to my request. It'll be very exciting to see the new design. That should give me a lot of motivation to keep writing.

very exciting

People, Joey is doing me a huge favour by redesigning my layout!!!

People, watch this space!