Tuesday, September 23, 2008

johnson & johnson's baby shampoo - no more tears!

My back is fine. They said it was just bruise and soreness so I shouldn't be too worried. Good to know that this is not gonna stop me from wearing sky-high heels or doing my back and forward bends in yoga class.

My pain has actually gotten worse today. It hurt when I was sleeping and it was hard for me to get out of bed. I had difficulties breathing last night when I lied horizontally. Walking and standing up was actually the most comfortable position, weird! Anyway, as I was in pain this morning, I was asking myself if it'll be nice if there's someone at home making lunch for me and then clean up my place. No. In fact, I wish I won't have to see anyone and people won't think that I'm a wussy cause I can't take pain.

I'm sort of used to being by myself. Months ago I probably will be a cry baby sulking at home hoping that angels will send someone to baby me. Months ago I'll be too scared to do the jumps in the snow worrying that I might break an arm or a leg. Months ago if I fall off the horse I probably will be in tears and feeling too traumatized to get back on.

Today, I don't wish for anyone to baby me - I cook my own congee, clean my own dishes and swear at the pain by myself. Today, I'll jump as long as the ground isn't icy and hard and if I fall, I know I'll do better next time. And just on Saturday, I fell off the horse and I got back up straight away, I tried to tame that creature but to very little avail, I fell again and I got back up on another tamer horse this time. Not a single drop of tear but lotsa angst instead. I surprised myself.

Sometimes change can come really quickly without warning. Some weeks ago I was just crying because I fell in a club when I was drunk, didn't I? All those behaviour from the past just seem so stupid after you've improved. The process could be slow but doesn't mean there's no progression.

past the streets and I'm home

It was nice and breezy, I took a short walk from the city back to home. The last time I walked home from the city had to be at least two years ago, I remember it was the spring festival. We partied till 10-ish in the morning at a friend's. All taxis were taken as people were going to the races. I had to walk home by no choice. I was still in my party clothes and smeared make-up. Honestly, I didn't look or feel very good being on the street looking

feeling so trashy at that hour.

Tonight was totally the opposite. I only had half a glass of white and had decided to give dinner a miss. Not sure why but just wasn't up for it. Have I mentioned before that I love being tipsy? Everything just seems to be prettier, funnier and happier but we can't live life in delusion. Right, I heard you. I've decided to pull the plug before I officially turn into an alkie. Haven't been drinking since I got back from Mornington.

The walk home in the spring evening sans alcohol influence was actually very refreshing. I've walked past streets and bridges that I've so often driven on. Tonight I paid a little more attention to the lights, the tram lines and others. They seem to be the same but very different. I guess things do look a little different when I'm up standing than to sit in the car. I walked by the water below my place, observing every restaurant and realized they are actually doing quite well on a Tuesday evening.

Said hello to the Big Brothers at the chinese restaurant and they reminded me that the last time we drank together was end of 2006. Time has passed, we know that but have we grown? We've grown apart for sure, for better or worse. Then I was at the fish & chip shop lusting over some south Melbourne market's dimmies but I was a minute too late. A minute, can't people make an exception? Who is more brutal? Human or time?

I very often lose sense of time. That's probably because I haven't really need to take it seriously although I really want to. Then I ask myself... do you really wanna take life so seriously?

should be fine

My friends lied to me. They said there are hot springs in Daylesford but no, they only have mineral springs. Looks like I've to make another trip to the Mornington with mum if she insists on going to to the hot springs.

My back is making me depressed. I have breathing difficulties while performing chores that requires me to bend my body, like loading my laundry into the washer or putting dishes into the dishwasher, crap! Daddy and Mummy K said I don't need a scan as long as there's no numbness in my legs or incontinence. I think I'm alright but going to the chiro is still on my to-do list.

Gonna go for a swim on Wednesday since I can't attend Bikram yoga. I need to be healthy, I need to lose my tummy, I must find my waist once again. Let's just hope it's not too cold for me to hit the pool...

Monday, September 22, 2008

my mum has FB!

My mum has Facebook account and I'm munching on freeze dried strawberries coated in milk chocolate while my back is aching from my horse riding injuries. What is mum doing on Facebook? I've just added her but she doesn't seem to wanna approve me. Right, just WTF is happening? I can so imagine what's going in her head when she sees my 1500+ photos

a) My daughter's so fat, gross!
b) Why are all her friends lesbians, is she turning into one?
c) Does she has a drinking problem? Why does she look drunk all the time?
d) Does she has a gambling (PK) problem? Why is she playing cards all the time.

Most importantly, she'll find out that I fell off the horse twice and hurt my back. She hates it when I go skiing, bungee jumping or horse-riding. She has warned me many times that I'm not allowed to ride the horse. Obstinate as I always am, I did and because of my lack of experience, the temperamental horse and my bad luck, Charcoal went amok and I am (quite) badly injured. I'm saying that I can't lift weight, can't bend my upper body down and move both arms at the same time, cuts on left ear and sore left neck. I attempted to make an appointment with the Health Advisor this morning but the clinic isn't open. The competition was held in Chile and I'm unwilling to spend my money on second best. I hope I'll get an appointment when he returns, slim chance I know.

Looks like I'm not gonna do much this week, based on my bank account and my hurting back that hurts when I drive. On top of that, I'm in debts. Haven't paid for anything in Mornington on the weekend. Bought too many bottles of wines but how can I resist? Mum is so gonna faint when she sees them in my apartment next week. Have I mentioned she's into hot spring these days? I was telling her my hot spring experience in Mornington over the weekend and she's all hyped, she wants to go when she's here. I plan to take her to Daylesford, any suggestion on where to stay?

Oh dear, she's bugging me on MSN now because she doesn't know how to approve me as friend on FB. God, help me!

Friday, September 05, 2008

it's okay that I'm not okay

If I tell you sometimes I can feel the presence of Dad, would you think I'm freaky?

Even if you do, it wouldn't change much of what I believe. Enough of doubting myself and wondering what my friends would think of me. There really are times when I know He's in the room with me. I can't see him, I can't hear him yet he is there, as though I can almost smell Him. This connection is real and I know He will never ever let me see him, not unless in my dreams. When I cry, He looks at me and asks me not to. He misses me too but He's moving on, He tells me that's life and I need to deal with this part of life where it sucks. He waits till I stop crying and He'll say his goodbye and good night.

Deisy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for not replying to your email. I have to say I'm in no position to make you feel better because I'm not feeling better either. I thought putting on my smile and chatty facade, keep the parties going, resume my normal life is the cure. Yes, they keep you busy and life never stops but the pain hasn't stopped. Whoever that says your pain would fade with time lied to us. It's true that you'll be too busy to think about it but there are times, a lot of times, the pain that we're suppressing would crawl their way back to your heart, following the flow of your blood to the tip of your fingers. It's been nine months and it's not fine. It's especially not fine when it's your graduation, when it's my birthday, his birthday or my niece's birthday. He will never be there with us ever again, not in a way where I can see him, hug him and lean my head against his shoulder. I pick up the phone but I can't call him again.

There's an episode in Grey's when George's dad died. Cristina talked about the Dead Dad's Club. She was right. You can only join this club when your dad has died. And no one understands what the pain is until you're in the club. So enough of "I know how you feel" and "you're being too harsh on yourself, you've gotta let go". Don't speak to me like this because you don't understand.

Deisy, so I'm not gonna lie to you and lead you to believe that you'll be okay soon. I'll be honest with you. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. One thing for sure is that life still goes on, we'll move on but the pain and the tears, they will be there for awhile. How long? I don't know and I don't wanna know. It's not a bad thing you know? Letting go isn't always the only way to live life. Take care and shoot me an email, I'm glad that you can share with me. I might not reply straight away but I will... xoxo

dinner was great, thank you

If you remember, I used to cook for myself at home - not a lot but often enough. For some reason, I've stopped doing that since many many months ago. I'm talking about real food, real satisfying nutritional food here. When I do cook these days, it was just quick simple meal for one, nothing fancy, nothing too healthy. I don't remember when was the last time I put in effort to buy food and prepare a proper meal for myself.

Tonight, TY came over to murder my kitchen. Ha... she didn't kill anything actually. In fact, she cooked and she cleaned, even those that were unwashed before. She's a good woman, no wonder no man wants me, pffftt! Have I told you this woman can really cook? While she was making passionate love to my kitchen (like she said she was), I was getting pissed with some wines that I've gotten from the wineries recently. Both dinner and wines were absolutely divine.

You know what? I have been wanting to pop open these reds since Monday but according to house rules #1 I shall not drink by myself at home. I didn't break the rules although I was dying to. I was ecstatic the moment TY stepped foot in my apartment - license to drink at home, boooohoooo!!! Seriously, I think I've a drinking problem. Or maybe I can just blame it on the sight of these good shit sitting at home staring at me, luring me to drink them, aaarrrggghh!!! By the way, I've never stopped making soup twice a week. That's my remedy for saving my body and soul. Just had a bowl actually, and I'm finishing the bottle of shiraz from before. I'm not breaking any rules, I'm just finishing what we've started...

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I've places to go

It's over for me. Such great snow this season. Apparently it was better than NZ this year and I believe it's true. Ally came back from Queenstown saying that she felt cheated. I've definitely spent too much on the snow this year but heck... I've got my new boots and skis, how can I not make full use of them? So it's over for me, the weekend was my last trip for this season. Woke up on Monday feeling rather depressed. Why do I fall in love with such expensive sport? Well, in less than six months' time, we'll be racing down the slopes in Hakuba. That should inspire me to save, a lot and a lot of it.

Speaking of holiday, I've got a few lining up for me. Oh man, how am I gonna find a full time job when I've planned all these holiday till march next year? Mum is visiting for my graduation so we're spending some quality mum-daughter time in Melbourne and New Zealand. Just got the tickets today, flying in to Auckland, flying out from Wellington. Gonna do a road trip so I've a lot to plan - car rental, accommodation in different places along the way, places to see and eat. It's gonna be fun, I just wish Dad can be with us. I miss Him, I miss Him so much sometimes I can't breathe. I hope He's feeling the same too.

Anyway, before NZ, me and some friends have planned a weekend of debauchery in Mornington Peninsula. Horse riding, hot spring, wineries and stuffing our faces with good food are on the itinerary. We're actually discussing on which restaurant and winery we're going. Seriously, these are the only things we're good at, we're beyond help.

Moving along, as mentioned before, thanks to Air Asia, I'm able to attend Di's wedding in KL end of this year. She has planned the wedding more than a year ago and I know she really wants me to be there. I'm glad I can make it. So this year I'm back in KL three times, just like last year. I miss my little angel so much. She's growing so quickly, I couldn't stop looking at her photos on Facebook. Mum told me that she's becoming really mischievous too, that little marshmallow!

Now... looking at my skis leaning against my wall makes me wanna hit the slopes. I miss Imagination, Twilight and...dim sims at snake gully hut. Does it make you want something more eagerly just because you know you can't have it? Does it?