Friday, May 30, 2008

I'm a OK!

People, don't worry about me. I'm actually stronger than I thought I was. Pain is inevitable but I won't get over it until I let myself feel it. It's a grieving process: if I bury the pain deep down it will stay with me indefinitely but if I open myself to it, experience it and deal with it head-on, I'll finally (if not very quickly) begin to move on. Poignantly, a lot of pain that I'm experiencing now is actually fear. Fear of losing, fear of being different than how I liked them, fear of uncertainties, fear of many things but conquering my fear would only make me stronger.

Less than six months ago, I lost Him and I somehow lost part of myself. Now, it's time for me to pick myself up totally and move on in life. I gotta keep walking, and if possible, run for a bit just to get over the rough patch. He will be looking at me and be very proud of me for who I've become.

Honestly, I thought it would be harder for me. Of course, I was upset, my heart was broken and I did lie in bed all day and did nothing but it was just for a short time. I think I'm done with grieving and I'm healing now, although it hurts too when it heals but it's the make-me-feel-great kinda pain. Like how you go for reflexology and the masseur rubs you so hard you're in pain but you feel better after the session? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm getting on with life and living it to the fullest because there are a lot of opportunities waiting for me out there.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

so many 'no's

It caught me totally off-guard. When I thought everything was perfect, the wave hit me fiercely and took me to the bottom of the sea. I'm drowning and there's no hero to my rescue.

It's unfair for me.

It's very painful, I can literally feel the pain.

I need a miracle. I need something that stops my tears, and put me to sleep so I'll wake up fresh, nice and totally unhurt.

Monday, May 26, 2008

another week to winter, woot!

I've just finished changing my sheets and swapped the summer doona with the winter doona. It has been kept under my bed for the past three winters, I should've used them and used less of the electric blanket. Temperature is dropping and my winter jackets are ready to come out and play during this highly-anticipated winter. I've been unbelievably good since I came back. Besides getting some dresses from Alice's Zhouk, I've not shopped at all. There are times when I told myself that I need clothes for the coming season but the sanity in me told me to have a look at my wardrobe and those two huge-arse suitcase full of clothes that I want to get rid of. I don't need more so I'm not spending any unnecessary money but why am I still so broke? I've done almost everything I can to minimalize my expenses - eat in, eat at cheap places, eat at friends' places, drink less, party less, go out less, no shopping, use less of the dryer... aarrrggghhh! It's just too painful!

I've learnt something 'old' last night: downloading songs from Limewire. Was watching how Pat did it at her place on Saturday night and have decided that it ain't that hard so I installed Limewire on my lappy. I've downloaded a couple of songs and I'm very impressed with the speed and how user-friendly it is.

I've also recently picked up Bikram yoga again, after not practising for a year. I need it to prepare myself for the snow and to shed some unhealthy pounds. I've put on so much weight I couldn't fit in to my old pants. Okay, those pants were from 5/6 years ago but it's unacceptable to not fit in them. I'm determined to get them zipped again by mid Winter if not sooner. I love practising yoga, I feel rejuvenated, calmer and in general, it just makes me feel good. This time I've more friends who are into Bikram yoga, I hope we'll keep going and not like before where I practised diligently for a couple of months and stopped.

Now that I'm doing the 'real' exercise, I wonder if Candyman should still get me the Wii Fit. Talking about yoga reminds me of this hilarious photo that Becks and I took on the street outside an Indian mart. Oh dear, where else can I find another girl who would do things as retarded as I would do?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Heart of the Matter

Kum Den is right, it's the Eagles's and it's quite different from India Arie's but it's just as great...Looking forward to Evonne's birthday, woot!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Can't stop them from coming out

Excuse me but I've verbal diarrhea. My friends have been extraordinarily patient with me. Four hours of me non-stop talking put them in severe aural abuse, and that happens every time when I see them. Put me together with Charm or Becks, we've the power to turn around the whole place, and it's merely verbal power we're talking about. Becks and Lynn - who's noisier? Charm and Lynn - who's dumber? Keat and Lynn - who's more bimbo? Thank goodness we've some smart and normal friends around, and I sometimes wonder, what are these normal people doing with us?

I was planning to organize a Sex and the City movie + girls' night out but you know what? All Gold Class tickets are gone, god damn it! So our plan of movie, good food, drink and dance has been postponed, till the next good chick flick screening. I'm gonna watch SATC in Singapore with Candyman *grin* I know he doesn't like the four NY girls but I know what to do to make him happy.


He just called to tell me that his needy ex-gf called, hurhurhur... that girl makes me laugh. Anyway, he called and said when he said 'yes' to the movie, it was his moment of weakness. Oh well, too bad for him. If I've a choice, I would rather watch the movie with my girls too, so Baby, you're only my plan B, in this regard.

Time for bed. XOXO.

My stomach is making noise

SaSa and I were discussing about a friend's break-up and how the boy refused to get to know her friends and couldn't be bothered putting in effort to be friendly. We had concluded that if your partner is 'too lazy' to be nice to your friends, you can dump him straight away. That lead me into thinking my boyfriend-friends relationship.

It's a nightmare - they love him and he loves them too much.

He wants to be Daddy K's gay partner; Kiwi's stomp dancing apprentice; TY's bitch-about-Lynn buddy; Violet's sms/hip hop mate. He makes me laugh in ways like that, my boyfriend is my nosy bitch who tries to look cool!

He's getting me Wii and Wii Fit and hopefully he won't be too busy to go shopping. I expect them to be waiting for me when I see him. I wanna lose some weight before I see him and that means I've to get my lazy arse to Bikram yoga from tomorrow onwards. Besides, I need to be fit for the snow. My Hotham trip at the end of July is confirmed, woot! I can't wait no more but I've not gotten my birthday ski boots (thanks guys!) and skis yet.

Winter is just around the corner, bliss! You know winter is here to play with you when you're constantly craving for hotpot. My fellow hotpot lover, Jessie, is living her delivery life in the Big Apple. Thank goodness I found out that my favourite girl Becks is a hotpot fanatic too. We had a 3-hour session at Famous Hotpot last night with Milyn and I was pretty sure they were annoyed at how much food we could eat (all-you-can-eat menu) and they had to open till late for us because we wasted too much time talking, laughing and dancing. Yes, we danced in a hotpot joint, freaking retarded! I'm looking forward to next week's hotpot session.Chilli chicken/prawns tomorrow, who's interested, give me a buzz. I'm feeling hungry now, why do we feel hungry when it's cold?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Another Four Weeks

When there is too much to finish and I feel like I can't breathe, I turn to sleeping. I think I'm addicted to sleeping, the more I've to accomplish, the harder it is, the more tired I feel. Sleep seems to be my way of running away from responsibilities and gives me peace temporarily. It is also my way of getting nearer to Dad. I've been seeing him a lot in my dreams. I feel safe and serene in these dreams. I'm constantly chasing for more, but I know, running away from reality is just gonna get myself into shit. By no choice, I've to get all done and over with. Four weeks, just four weeks, hang in there!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Little Niece

Besides my mum and Candyman, this little angel is another person that I'm constantly missing...

Just imagine she grows up to look like her aunty Lynn? I look exactly like this when I was a baby, hard to imagine. I wonder if I will have enough strength to carry her when I return next.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Tiesto in Melbourne

We went to Tiesto last Friday and it was absolutely awesome. Most people around us were off their faces, Candyman and myself were very disciplined that night. Thanks to DJ Tiesto's excellent work, the vibe was so good it pushed us so high we were dancing all night without intoxicating ourselves too much. One thing about Festival Hall was its ventilation. For f*ck's sake, if you have an event here, get your friggin' venue ready for the crowd. It was like a massive sauna in the hall, squeezing every last drop of sweat to drip from its gland. That was crap! Everyone was soaked in sweat - Candyman's t-shirt was still wet in the laundry basket the morning after we got up! Most of the muzzas took off their shirt. We girls were melting and so was our make-up. I came home with only mascara and lipstick left, but it was all good fun.

Thanks Daddy K and Mummy K for getting me the ticket for my birthday, xoxo

Now, am sure we're all looking forward to Armin in four weeks' time. This time it's gonna be full on for me!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Just a Little

I remember vividly what I dreamt of two nights ago. I saw Dad. It wasn't my first time, in fact, I often dream of him. My mum believes Dad is missing me too and he's been visiting me, after all, I'm his biggest worry. This particular dream two nights ago, however, was extraordinarily long and it's stuck in my head.

It was Dad's funeral but his spirit was around us. He didn't realize he was dead and was living his everyday life until he saw his body lying peacefully in the coffin and his beautiful photo sitting nicely on the altar. He was in disbelief but with no choice, accepted the fact that he's physically parted from us. The dream went on and it took us to our daily activities where he was living with us. Many times he was there to helped us, from helping subtly here and there to saving us from accidents. I felt at peace in this dream. I felt like Dad is once again very close to me, protect me and taking care of me all the time.

I woke up with a smile followed by tears. I want more of this dream. Maybe it's true, that Dad is around me, always giving me a hand, hoping that life would be a little easier for his little girl everyday. I believe so but it would be nice if I can see him a little, or smell him a little but when these fail, I can only let my heart feel him a little more.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Meeting the Parents

More than thirteen months ago, we spoke for the first time. After that, we had more conversations throughout the year over the phone and Skype. We had several chances to meet in September last year but I piked. Last weekend, we've finally got together and it was absolutely lovely.

Candyman's parents were very warm and welcoming. I was anything but uncomfortable. They made me felt like part of the family the minute we met, we just had so much to talk about. There were times where Candyman was annoyed by us - Mrs L and myself ganging up against him. I couldn't help but to call myself silly for being nervous about meeting the parents the night before, although I've already known them for more than a year now. Candyman was right, there really wasn't anything for me to worry about - I just had to be myself and every minute with them was delightful.

It was great to see Nurse Brother and his Sweet Girlfriend again too, after putting my embarrassment way behind (a year ago, Candyman took me home and I met Nurse Brother for the first time and there were some embarrassing but really funny moments between us). I went to the footy for the first time and watched Nurse Brother played. Mrs L and Candyman were with me all the time teaching me the rules of the games and I was instantly hooked. Oh well, like Candyman was telling everyone, I was the asian bogan footy chick!
In those 30 hours with the family, I've not felt hungry at all. We were spoilt kids that were constantly fed with yummy food prepared with lotsa love. I even got to decide on what Mrs L was going to cook, depending on what I like and what I don't take. That just reminded me of being at home with family, especially when Dad was around when we would talked about anything under the sun over one too many drinks.
30 hours with them and I'm already missing the company. I didn't expect myself to like the whoop whoop land but it was in fact very refreshing to get out of the smoke for a change. Time seemed to pass by slower and I seemed to be calmer. People were genuine and air was extraordinarily fresh, not to mention the mercury is much lower too!

I'm Lucky Lynn who has a wonderful boyfriend with a loving family. Can you imagine having potential in-laws from hell?