Wednesday, November 15, 2006

My Gap Year

I was bored so I took Steph's advice and started reading some old quotes from Sex and the City.

Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

That is very close to my current state of mind. I've had my relationship gap year - being single to build a relationship with myself - which in many sense, made me a better person. My confidence has grown, I'm more focused if not totally, calmer, and comfortable with myself - my past and my present.

In this one year, I've met heaps of people, both men and women. I've been on countless dates, exchanged thousands of stories and ideas. There are those who adore me for who I really am; there are those that had stopped calling me because they think I'm too playful and naughty; there are those who see me in the light of a trophy girlfriend/wife by 'perfectionizing' me; there are those who are amazed by me and started to idolized me; there are also those that despise me for many possible reasons.

What I'd love most is to meet someone, who holds my hand and walk down the road with me, side by side, perhaps half a step quicker. It's not that I can't lead my own way, but a man who can guide always have a place in my heart. A man who pampers me but not babies me; a man who makes me a better person; a man who see the real strength in me and encourages me to make use of them; a man who have faith in me; someone who's smarter than I am in some sense; someone who thinks that I'm beautiful inside out; someone who accepts my past and understands that my history carves who I am today; someone who respects and loves my family and friends as much as I do; someone who will work hard together with me to keep the love and passion going.

Someone that I am in love with.

I was just talking to Joanne on MSN, she told me that I'm a Carrie and I should be a Samantha - Samantha f*cks and go while Carrie makes love. Yes, I am not a Samantha, I'm not as capable. I f*ck and I get emotionally involved, then I get upset when things don't go my way. I'm always lost, lost and lost, wander, wander and wander, not knowing what I actually want. But the good thing is, I never give up, as I still believe, I know I can eventually land on the right place, at the right time.

I can never be Samantha, can I?

1 comment:

t0othfairie said...

Daymn girl, don't we all wish we could be 'samantha'?
However due to the sexual marginalization and chauvinistic perspectives of our conservative and judgemental society; poignantly, we can't. Merely due to the fact that we are female. We can't change the fact that principles remain. We can bend, but not break them.
It's injustice that men can sleep around and 'score', whilst we would receive a nasty labelling as skanks or tarty hoes, if we were to behave in the same manner.
I know how u feel. I feel the same way. Especially the part about getting emotionally involved once somebody gets the better of you physically.
Oh well. I guess that's one quintessential factor that we have to face: That women are always at the losing end.