Things are getting better after letting them off my chest. Lots of tears but it also brings us more laughter from deep within after. Outcome is basically a positive one but to be honest with myself, I can forgive but I can't forget. Well, I guess I wouldn't give two f*cks if I don't have such strong feelings for this person. Things always work like a scale, lotsa hard work to balance it up.
When I looked into his eyes, I had the answer for everything, although he did break my heart. Sometimes I asked myself, what have I done to deserve a chance to meet this wonderful person? Then I realized it isn't a gift, it is my own karma comes biting on my back. God made me meet him, someone so right, someone that I truly want to be with yet I can't. I've always told myself and everyone around me that long distance relationships are crap and they can never ever work, and now I'm falling head over heels for someone 8 hours flight away, fanf*ckingtastic! Eat my own poisonous words. Serves me perfectly right.
For the past 6 months, I go a little crazy from time to time, because my heart and head couldn't agree with each other. One tells me that I should give it a go while the latter screamed "ridiculous" at me. So many drunken phone conversations with my ludicrous suggestions or confession of the heart across the globe. I started to think that maybe I should admit myself to the mental hospital.
This time when I see him again, when we get to spend hours and hours together, to go to bed and wake up to each other, I finally am able to sum all these up. I want this person to be in my life and I want it bad. I care for this person more than I should. My feelings for this person is so strong it scares the shit outta me. It's been a long time I allow my heart to feel and being the mummy of my heart, I sort of want to protect it from getting hurt.
Geez... only if I've not stepped into the farewell party by mistake, my life would probably be simpler. Yet when I slipped under the doona in the middle of the night and looked at this man who held my hands so tight and told me not to leave him in his sleep, I told myself - I'm glad that I've met you and if God turns back time, I'm crashing your farewell party one more time!