Monday, July 09, 2007

Let Me Let Go

It's the last night for the Singaporean boys in Melbourne. I had to stay with them as Marcus was such a sweetie to me and Mozzy Jo when we were down in Singapore. I've been hating myself for not able to spend time with him for the past 2 weeks as I was really busy with work and studies, and my flu and bad ankle that didn't come at quite the right time.

So No Joke and Easily Drunk are getting it on. Well, at least someone's getting laid. On one hand, as a friend and a spectator, I thought it was awesome for the both of them - a holiday fling. Yet, on the other hand, it was absolutely disheartening for me. Look, No Joke has a girlfriend and Easily Drunk has a boyfriend who works overseas. To make it easier for you to understand, they are f*cking behind their partners' backs. Why be in a relationship when you can't be loyal to the person that you're so-called in love with?

I'm saying this entirely for a selfish reason and am not pointing fingers at anyone. They can do what that makes them happy and I'm happy for them. I just can't refrain myself from wondering how likely is that for my partner to keep himself solely for me when he's not around. Or maybe I should say, how is it possible to have a person who is not even my partner to not stray behind my back? I very much doubt that it is possible.

This is ridiculous but it hurts when these thoughts came across my mind. It hurts to know that there's another person that he's kissing; another person that he's flirting with; another person that's sharing the bed. It f*cking hurts bad and the problem isn't with him. I've to admit that it's me.

I have been telling myself to let go. I've to let it go, really. This is bad for me. I was doing well I guess but tonight when I saw them together, I was starkly alarmed. It was like a bat hitting straight into my face, it hurts yet I was woken up. It is impossible. Why waste my time and get myself upset all the time? Why do I want to live in uncertainties? Why expect when I am one who's so afraid of disappointment? I'm no more a 16-year-old with too much time to waste. I hate the guessing game. I abhor disappointment.

I do admit that I have a problem trusting. I do. But how can you blame me when people around me can't even spell f-a-i-t-h-f-u-l? How can you blame me when promises that were made are often broken? How can you blame me when life is such a b*tch?

Trustworthiness is overrated.

I hope I won't eventually start to doubt myself and my belief in finding true love. I wish that good things will happen to me. I pray that my heart will not be in pain anymore. And I need to learn to let go.

7 comments:

Kimberly said...

I totally second that.
It hurts to even feel the slightest feelings of insecurity.
I don't think I can take another second of feeling that way again.

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

well getting with no strings attached is ok..not behind ur partners..that is just so wrong.. i know how u feel.. well thats what my gf always tells me anywayz.. its ok..let loose and slowly trust..no1 is rushing u..

Lucky Lazy Lynn said...

Kim, but sometimes we just can't control our hearts. My head tell me to turn back yet my heart is stubbornly doing otherwise.

Joe, I'm learning to trust, very slowly, way too slowly *sigh*

steph said...

faith is overrated these days.. if u hear half the conversations i have with my married friends, i think you'll become as cynical as me la..

diana said...

I think it's a girl thing! I feel the same way too..it always hurts as bad to think in that way but sometimes it might be just us thinking too much...

When a trust has been betrayed it's probably dead end on the trusting issue. No matter what that person do or even if you try slowly to trust again it fails somehow because you'll think up of something once again. Make sense? Hmm...

Lucky Lazy Lynn said...

What's unfair is that you can't trust another person when he/she hasn't even cheated on you. I guess it could me our own problem here. It's unfair.

diana said...

Well i suppose then it's the insecurity that he makes you feel.. it's not entirely your fault/problem...Girls are meant to be unreasonable lol...