www.lynnlum.com

let there be love

2011-12-24T13:32:00.004+11:00

Christmas was my favourite holiday when I was a kid. My family didn’t celebrate Christmas in a religious way - it was just holiday and family time to us. When we were kids, mum and Dad would take Allan and I to the fancy hotels, to look at the Christmas deco, listen to Christmas carols and do that countdown at the hotel lounge. It was the best time of the year - it was school holidays; we didn’t have to visit the relatives like Chinese New Year time, it’s just US; we got to take uncountable photos with the reindeers, Styrofoam-snow and Santa with cotton wool moustache.

And then we grew into teenagers, where Christmas meant passport for us to not go home. We partied at friends, serviced apartments or anywhere that accommodated our binge drinking behaviour. That went on for a couple of years before I left home for Melbourne. Christmas became a home event during my summer break - hotpot, BBQ, or just an ordinary dinner and a drive downtown to look at the Christmas lights. I didn’t want to spend another Christmas to be out partying, I just wanted to be with the family.

Christmas however became meaningless to me, after Dad left us. Sometimes, like now, it’s a painful time of the year because it brings back memories. Christmas means public holiday to me, time off from work, wild card to irresponsible drinking and binge eating. Oh well, I seem to have many of these wild cards during the year anyway. Last night, SD was sending me photos of the city light show where he went with his family. I was lying in bed looking at the photos and I just couldn’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I miss watching Christmas lights with the family.

I solemnly wish you guys are spending this silly season with your loved ones - the family, the lover, the friends or even by yourself. Hope all of you are living the moment and enjoying life as it presents itself to you.

aging could be doing me good!

2011-11-23T23:53:00.002+11:00

Yoga is like my new religion, it's my way of life... Except that I'm still not sold as a bean and root eating being. Although I've been eating much more fruit and vegies on a daily basis, I still love my meat. Especially a good piece of steak, a steamy bowl of Bak Kut Teh, or serve of crunchy KFC (Korean Fried Chicken). Man... How could I resist?

End of last year, couple of months before I hit 30, I could see a significant change in myself. It's not something my mind called upon. My taste buds for one had changed. I've picked up a lot of "new" foods to my diet. Never had I enjoyed having salad for lunch two weeks in a row, enjoyed being the operative word here. I used to take salad for the sake of loading up my greens, but I couldn't do it more than two days in a row because I found it unappetizing. But these days, I take salad to work by choice, because I enjoy having it. That is freaky for one who ruled out 98% vegies in her first 26 years of life! And I've started exercising on a regular basis - running, walking and Yoga without the intention of losing weight. All I wanted was to be fit, have big healthy lungs and eat as much as I want without piling up the kilos. I started out with near-death panting after 200m but today, my biggest achievement was doing two rounds of the Tan (equivalent to 7.6km)!

Two years ago, my shopping trolley would consist of 50% junk food 30% frozen meal and 20% fresh meat. Today my shopping trolley is filled with 40% fruit and vegies 20% healthy snack like nuts and oats 30% fresh meat and 10% junk food. Look into my basket, sometimes I freak out, sometimes I give myself gratitude and sometimes I wonder... Is this what aging does to you? Your hormone turns you into this person who's attempting to be healthier, who likes eating whatever you never used to like and turns down social event for yoga classes?

Yes, yoga. I've been practising Bikram yoga on-and-off in the last 5-6 years, mainly pre-skiing season to prep myself for the alpine challenge. So I wasn't exactly committed to it. I liked it but not enough for me to go on a regular basis. Mainly because its class times are inconvenient for me. Also, the class can get rather boring - you step into the 39c heated room, repeating the same routine for 90 minutes. I do enjoy Bikram yoga and its benefit, just not enough. Recently I've started practising Power Vinyasa Yoga and I am hooked! The instructor is awesome - interactive and inspirational, creative with her classes so we don't repeat the same routine every class, she changes our practice so you don't know what you're gonna get each time you step into the room. I booked myself in for two classes a week and I would say no to social events if it happens to be my class day. I've never been so committed to something since my Ballet days. This yoga trains a lot more of my upper body strength, which I had none. Until today, 5 weeks and 9 classes down the road, my shoulders are still sore and I'm the mofo who had trouble doing my bra buckle!

Most importantly, I've learnt to meditate using my own breathing. When I'm stressed, I practised the Ujjayi breathing. When I felt like raising my voice at someone, Ujjayi breathing. When I was nervous, Ujjayi breathing. Now the bet is on - how long am I embracing this new way of life?

blast from the past

2011-11-10T01:12:00.003+11:00

So the last entry wasn't a cheerful one at all. I've been wanting to post something, just so you see some positivity when you get on to this page. I've just been busy with work, partying, exercising and... Living life just basically. I was gonna post a happy photo, but there are too many just couldn't decide which one was the most appropriate for this space.

The point is, I am happy. Still haven't completely come to terms with who is gone and never coming back but I am happy. Feeling surprisingly good for one who binge drinks and eat too late on most nights. As usual - trying to cut down, still trying.

Someone from the past came knocking on my door. Actually, I guided this someone to come knock on my door. Same story, five years later... I'm taking the first step this time. In fact, I'm jumping into it. Now ball is on the other side of the court, I can only wait. See if anyone is going to miss the boat this time.

Watched Drive tonight - what a movie! Never liked Ryan Gosling, didn't like the movie but I have to say the soundtrack was awesome! Have I mentioned Gosling can't act?

-

2011-07-01T21:39:00.003+10:00

Once upon a time, there was a man who loved me very very much. I was the happiest girl on earth, nothing was too difficult to get through because he always made me smile. This man has left me, forever. Nothing could make him come back to me. I am now the happy girl who cries at times, like when she's driving to work, or when she's having dinner on a Friday night. Sometimes I wonder... Do other girls who have lost him behave the same?

fear of the Mummy

2011-05-19T00:49:00.005+10:00

While I’m still wasting my time nursing my hangover on the weekend, or staying up late stalking some Taiwanese actor that I’m obsessed with after watching Autumn Concerto, many friends around me have entered the era of parenthood.

Log in to Facebook and a quarter of the updates are about their babies – photos, status, profile picture, links to videos, websites, amongst others. To be honest, half of the time I’m not quite interested. The other half of the time, I’m glad I get the kids updates without having to physically deal with them all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate kids, I’ve two beautiful nieces at home and I love my friends’ kids especially a handful of them who I’ve spent more time with (they’re mostly not annoying/screaming/crying/demanding kids).

What I can’t deal with are the Mamazillas. You know those mums who cannot stop talking about their children? What’s their favourite food, favourite phrase, how they act when they see their dad coming home from work, or when they see their grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunty, neighbour, etc. Yes, I understand you’re a new mummy, you’re very proud of your children, so am I. Talking about your kids over our entire lunch catch up and expecting me to response like I’m super-duper keen, THAT IS UNFAIR!

Look, we are all excited about your new life, new baby and new experience. I do look forward to hearing your stories but there should be a limit, say… 20 minutes? Anything after that would become annoying, for people like me who isn’t married, have no kids or pets, and at the same time not keen on having either one anytime soon. I could perhaps carry the baby talk with you all day if I am a mother myself but right now I am not. And if you on the other hand find me boring because I can’t give you enthusiastic-enough responses, I suggest you join a mother’s group, or spend more of your time with the other mothers. Really, it’s just like me talking to every f*cking one of you about my work, the girls I trained, how she f*cked things up, the customers I had, our funny conversation, my boss, my colleagues. They are interesting and funny – only if I don’t talk about it for the whole hour over lunch!

It makes me think, where has my friend gone? That interesting, fun-loving and witty woman who I used to hang out with. We enjoyed each other’s company, we had great conversation and we did silly things. I understand we’ve to give up the latter because we are mummy and aunty now. Is that what happens? When you give birth to a child, your child takes your personality away with them? You’ve nothing to talk about besides your offspring? You’ve no slightest interest in the outside world besides your own with your kid? You’ve no interest in knowing about my life although we called it the “catch-up session” instead of “all about my baby session”? I am sure there are more to talk about besides the baby and I am happy to help. We can talk about your cooking or the book that you’re reading? Just something!

Mamazillas are highly capable of scaring your friends away. It makes us reluctant to hang out with you. You know I feel nervous prior to catching up with these people? My heart tells me that they’re my good friends and I should not stop seeing them because of these petty little things but my head tells me that I shouldn’t go get myself tortured.

Not every one of my friends are like this, thank God for that! I do have heaps of sensible friends who are rather normal. I love listening to their baby stories because they don’t overdo it. They talk about other things, ask about me and in fact a few of them were telling me I need to give them more updates on the places I go and people I meet because they are so scared to become one of those mummies who become socially inept, the Mamazillas that I call!

You’re possibly rolling your eyes now and mumbles something like “let’s see what you would become after you have kids”. Yes, you’re probably right, I could be the worst Mamazillas around and the most annoying person with 99 photos of my newborn in my phone and I will make sure you look at every single one of them and make appropriate comments at appropriate times. I might also host a dinner party inviting a handful of my close friends so I could talk about my kids all evening and get different opinions and responses all at one go. But right now, I wholeheartedly pray that I will not be one, and for those who are one now, please take on something new in your life. Read a book, start blogging, watch the news, knit, just do something so we can discuss about it next time!

another fail relationship

2011-04-09T16:25:00.003+10:00

Sometimes we don’t learn until we get burnt.

I am always like that. Saying yes, yes and yes to advice of wisdom but never actually practise. And then I get myself into trouble. Just how many times have my mummy told me not to do this, this and that. Yet I just had to do it.

So I’m in debts, to the bank. And trust me when I say 70% of them weren’t on shopping. Forget about “what did I spend on”, I am just in debts. And I just realized how freaking crazy it would be if I don’t clear it soon. Thanks to the much-needed talk with a few good friends, I’m now getting on my feet and wanting to straighten things. First step, I’m taking a temporary break with my Visa. We had a bitter-sweet relationship. You made me happy and now that we’re separated, I still don’t hate you. In fact, my love for you had never changed but this unrewarding love is taking me down a dangerous path. So I cut Visa up - out of sight, out of mind. When we meet again, I'll love you much less.

And then I’ve confessed to my other good friends, admitting my problem. I weakly needed more support from them and I was right, they were anything but supportive. WDAR and Easy Mama suggested to me to return all money to the bank upfront with their money to save on interest, then I'll return their money slowly. And I suggested to pay them interest in return, at an agreed rate, that’ll definitely save me heaps compared to the bank’s.

I’m so touched by all my friends gesture. Kind words, motivational talk, sincere offers of help and genuine understanding. Once again, I’m so grateful for what I have in my life. Without you, I would’ve broken down and cry. At the same time, because I trust you as a good friend, I’ve opened myself up to you. I don’t care if you judge, laugh, roll your eyes or you think this is what I’ve to go through to learn, I am determined to get my finances right!

After I clear my debts, I’ll start my base-building, as spoken about by Lili!

Chen Wei Zheng

2011-04-06T23:51:00.004+10:00

He was one year my senior in the class right across from mine. I don't remember the first time we spoke but I remembered him telling me he fell in love with me from a paper cutout on his class's wall. An article of mine was published in the local paper, with a photo of mine attached. Their class teacher got it posted on their wall. He said he liked my smile in the photo, and liked me even more after seeing me in person

We became friends and we were on the phone a lot. I didn't like him that way, nothing like that. He was 12 at that time, a kid literally. So was I. Never once crossed my mind that a boy and a girl that age could like each other more than just friends. I remembered him cycling to my house with his parent's mobile phone, ringing me at home to chat.

God knows what happened to me with gold fish memory, all these just came right back into my head this afternoon. Nineteen years ago yet so blardy clear. I wonder where and how is he now. To be honest, I have very vague memory of his face. In hindsight, he was such a sweetheart. Oh well, one must be damn genuine when you're merely 12.

So I was trying to get more information from Always Skinny but she turned out not to remember much, for once! I swear I would've texted Hitam Manis if she isn't holidaying in New Zealand currently. So there I go, went through about 500 out of 3500 people who "like" my school on Facebook. Ridiculous I know. Would be very lovely to see him again.

I remembered there are more...

2011-04-05T11:18:00.002+10:00

Thank you God for giving me such kind friends, and thank you my friends for constantly looking out for me. There is no word to express how grateful and relieved I am to have such wonderful people in my life.

Besides my wonderful family, who loves me unconditionally, whether by choice or not, I’m very blessed to have amazing friends in my life. They’ve been with me through thick and thin, laughed at my lame jokes, provided help when I was in need and protection when I fell.

I remembered a year when I wanted to be back in Melbourne for Summadayze during my summer break - my friends established the Foundation for LL’s Summadayze. I bought the air ticket and had a fabulous time at Summadayze. I returned their money eventually but I wouldn’t have made it back without their generosity to begin with. One of them paid for half of the ticket and refused to take my money.

I remembered a friend took us to Brisbane and Gold Coast with her frequent flyer points. We had a wonderful time despite the lack of sun and a little bit of hangover here and there. I am still reminiscing.

I remembered I was moving home and it took me forever to finish packing up the kitchen and bathroom. A friend came over after dinner and packed my life away on my behalf, all in fifteen minutes. And got me moving, moving. Pun intended.

I remembered how my mum wouldn’t let me drive to go out at night back home. Somehow my friends would always offer to come and get me and drive me home safely after. We partied like rockstars everytime and the fact that I live so damn far away isn’t an issue anymore.

I remembered a friend wanted me to be at her wedding, and I wanted to be at the wedding too of course. One day, I received an e-ticket in my mailbox. I got myself a new dress and attended the memorable wedding which I would never ever wanted to miss. Spending that extra money on top of your luxurious wedding was very very much appreciated.

I remembered another friend knew I was struggling with rent, bills and everything money-related yet I’ve committed to attend someone’s wedding in Seoul. This friend booked me a return air-ticket to Seoul using her frequent flyer points, and up until today, still not taking the money that I offered to pay her.

I remembered the break-ups and heart-breaks I had gone through. There were friends come knocking on my door with food in hand, cheering me up and making me eat. And there are friends who had to deal with my constant phone calls, crying and ranting over the same bullshit. Man... I was a nightmare!

I remembered there was a time where I missed my budget flight back to Melbourne because I was severely hungover. I was shitting myself because back then, I was still spending mummy’s money but a friend bought me a new one-way ticket to go home. Not only I stayed out of trouble with mum, I got to spend more time with family and friends in KL too.

I remembered just too many times I was so broke I didn’t even have enough money to eat or to pay bills. These friends are always lending me money, I returned, and borrowed again. They’ve been so patient with me, I just don’t know what to say besides promising myself that this year, I’m gonna get my money right. Spend within my limit and clear my debts!

I remembered my bestie bought me a ticket to go on holiday with her for my birthday. She said that way we both could have a good time, and explore different part of Australia together. It was way better than buying me another gift that I probably don’t need. Absolutely right and those Tasmanian experience will never be forgotten.

I remembered friends who really do not mind taking me out, buying me drinks/meal because they really want us to spend time together. At many times I would say no because I really do feel like a free-loader. But I’ve learnt that this is what we do for friends. I’d have done the same for others when they are in need.

I also remembered there was once I bought a whole chicken home and I got a panic-attacked after unwrapping it. I couldn’t deal with a dead animal in whole. I hyper-ventilated, rang a friend frantically and she turned up a few hours later to my rescue. She chopped the damn chicken up for me.

So I am thinking, putting the under-payed job, constantly broke, can’t even afford my own home yet and the occasionally bad days aside, I’m actually living a really good life. I just have to say that I’m a very lucky person who has great family and friends and I know money can’t buy them!

frozen memory

2011-04-05T00:46:00.003+10:00

Unfortunately there are some memories that cannot be erased. The pain is just as palpable as when it first hit us. Curry asked me the other day if I am okay, and she is gonna be all ears if I'm ready to speak about it. Really, what is there to speak about? It's so over.

Can't sleep from blocked nose, just hope tomorrow won't come so quickly for me...

no resolution, it is happening

2011-03-30T00:23:00.006+11:00

I don't know what triggered these changes. Whether I'm entering early mid-life crisis, pre-big-three crisis, broke to my bone crisis, or I am just a changed (refuse to use the word better) person. Gone are the days of mid-week drinking and going to work hungover. Since I came back from my holidays, which is merely three weeks and so, I've been living a relatively healthy life.

I've just taken up running. Man... and I thought I couldn't run. I wouldn't say I can run now but at least I'm trying. 3.82km at the Tan Track two - three times a week. When I had a bad day at work, my body tells me I wanna run. Awesome way to de-stress I have to say - get some fresh air, sweat it all out and call it a day. I'm also back to Bikram yoga, just once or twice a week. I swear I don't want to turn into exercise-junkie, I just want to be healthy. I want big lungs.

In fact, I started yoga end of last year with seven weeks hiatus pre, during and post holiday early this year. I still enjoy my alcohol, that's for sure. Like I had a great night out on Saturday, and after work drinks yesterday, then running on Sunday and today to offset the drinking. Yep, I've this theory, my Offset Theory. It's all about balance, today you go on detox, tomorrow you get yourself retoxed. Today I drink (and still looking) like a whale, tomorrow I get myself to sweat them all out. Make pretty good sense to me!

Oh, now I remember what triggered my fitness regime! My beautiful mama friends! Yes, that's right! Many of my friends are new mummies now, some again. What I had noticed was the difference between active vs. inactive mothers. How easy vs. difficult they had gone through their pregnancy, labour and post-natal recovery. There's one thing in common for those mummies who didn't suffer from unpleasant symptoms - they are all very fit people. They exercised regularly before, during and after their pregnancy. As a result, whether that is related or it's just one of my theory, they recovered much quicker after labour, and of course, they fitted into their old denims much quicker too.

So I was thinking, I should start exercising and prep my body for childbirth. Yes, you heard me right, I am prepping my body for childbirth and no, I am not in a relationship, I am no where near going to the sperm bank and I don't want kids now but I want to get myself ready in case I want my biological kids. Don't know when I'm ever gonna be in a relationship or when I'm ever gonna be ready for kids, there's no guessing right in life.

That's one thing. Another things is I want to preserve my youth (now you can laugh)! I might be going through the "f*ck I'm 30!" anxiety. I wanna be forever young, inside out; outside in! As shallow as I sound, I want to look good! I seriously don't wanna be stick skinny, I'm over that. I just wanna be toned. That's what the old people always tell me, "my secret to looking the way I am now is to keep exercising and stay away from the sun". Haven't master the latter - got sunburn two weekends ago, ouch!!!

I'm putting my hands together welcoming the new me in the new 2011. Going into the forth month already but this is my first post of the year so... Happy new year and happy new me. I'm ready to take on the world, the childbirth, the 30th and whatever that knocks on my door. Bring it on baby!

I'm too old for chewies

2010-12-16T23:15:00.002+11:00

If a guy buys you a vodka cranberry lime and an older man buys you shots of Grey Goose, what can young boys offer while trying to chat you up? My answer is chewing gum!

One night, two early 20s boys at two different venues (don't even ask how, why, where and please don't laugh in my face) chatted me up. And they both offered me chewies. That lead me to blowing my own breathe into my cupped palms to check if I smelled bad. I did a couple of times and NO, I did not smell bad. So why offered me those damn chewies? Since when it is acceptable to pick a girl up with chewies? Perhaps not in my era, as much as I hate to admit. I accepted the chewies from the both of them, and put them in my mouth (note: I do not chew gum unless I'm at rave parties). I either didn't want to say no, or I didn't wanna be old.

The latter has been texting me and yes, I gave him my number. What happened prior to giving him my number need not be mentioned. So Button has been asking me out, and I'm feeling so blardy embarrassed! Never have I felt this way in my life because I never had to deal with 21-year-olds. If you know me, I always have a thing for wrinkles + dimples. What was bothering me is that he doesn't know my age hence I cannot hang out with this Button, not even just as friends. Because I fear the embarrassment of letting him know that I'm not as young as he thought/wished I was.

It got me thinking... Will I ever come to an age where I lie about my age? I've always preached that age is just a number game, there shall not be lies. But as people around me are getting younger and I am only getting older, what number am I? Just to be clear, I did not lie about my age to Button, I just did not deny whatever he assumed, bad enough I know. I never understood why people lie about their age until today. I've yet found words to explain. Anyway, I've decided to be truthful with the number, which means I have to go missing from the young boys. What happened to my wrinkly + dimpled men? Where are they when I want them?

Curry was teasing me that it's a joke that they thought I was about their age. I cannot agree more. That is also one of the many problems with young boys, they make BAD judgment. Inexperienced and they offer you chewies! Enough said, please get me a Grey Goose on the rocks already!

what's left in you without service?

2010-11-12T17:26:00.003+11:00

In life, it is extremely hard to totally avoid making mistakes. I believe, however, it is not what wrong you’ve done, but it is how you handle your mistakes, in this case, other people’s mistakes.

Last week, Mimi and I explored the eateries at Commercial Road in Prahran, namely Mandala and Gaijin. It was either they were really unprofessional, or luck wasn’t with us on both nights.

First, it was Mandala. There was a hair in our curry. It was thick, short and curly. You know what we associate that kinda hair with, don’t ya? Gross! So we called for the waitress, told her about it, she sent her supervisor, she said she’ll make us another one. We said it’s okay, we don’t feel like eating anymore. Everything was fine. Then I took a photo of that hair sticking out of the meat. The tanned-skin-size 18-manager, gave me a dirty look from across the counter. Then they came over to take away our plates in the rudest possible way you could imagine, with faces black like squid ink. Duh!!! If you served food with hair in food to your customer, you expect your customer to snap a photo of it as souvenir. After all, we couldn’t eat the food, getting a photo as souvenir wasn’t too much to ask for, was it?!

The following night, we ventured to Gaijin on the same stretch for their all-you-can-eat sushi/sashimi dinner. Whether the food was good or was it value for money aside, they tried to kill me. In one of their rolls, there was a super sharp plastic sticking out from it. Oh yes, it was in their soft shell crab maki. So I examined it with my finger, making sure that it’s something hazardous. I called for the waitress, and I told her what happened. She glanced over to the maki and told me that was soft shell crab. This time, I gave her my dirtiest look and shafted the plate to her face and ask her to touch it. She then took away the rolls, without a word of sorry, without any explanation and off she just went! What the hell, seriously? Couldn’t you just apologize?

If I ate this, I would've been taken to the hospital, seriously!!!

Unbelievable! I cannot believe these people. You’re in the service industry, service is all you could offer. All I asked for was a simple apology. Honestly, if it was me, I would’ve made something up like “we’re very sorry, we’ve got some new staff in the kitchen, they must’ve made a mistake”. If you’re not smart enough to come up with an excuse, just keep apologizing, for God’s sake!

My take on Mandala and Gaijin is that they are dirty and the staff are either rude or dumb, or both! It’s not important anymore whether the food was yummy because I’m definitely not stepping foot in there again. And you know what? I had diarrhoea after Mandala and Mimi had the same thing after Gaijin, coincident much?

I'm supposed to be a tad stronger now

2010-09-29T23:16:00.007+10:00

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Really? Seriously?

How do you explain my recurring gastro? That hit me hard 3.5 weeks ago, and hit me even harder yesterday. Holy crap... I was literally puking my guts out all day. Anything that went down my throat came straight back out via the same path within 2 minutes. My temperature was going up and down like a swing and the room was spinning around me. I felt freaking pathetic and apparently, I looked very pathetic too! No doubt about that.

So I left work early to go home. But really, I was too sick to even drive yet I was wayyy too tight to cab home and of course, to cab back to work the following day. So I clenched my teeth, and off I drove home. After a quick shower and checked my temperature, I was in bed for the next 15 hours. I had a bit of fever but it didn't really bother me, all I wanted was for me to stop throwing up and feeling sick. Mind you, my electric blanket was on full blast till the early hours. I woke up this morning feeling light-headed (probably because I hadn't had food/water in the last 37 hours) and had a headache (had to be from severe dehydration!). I made myself some plain congee and went to work after.

I missed having someone last night. My mum, a sibling, a boyfriend, a housemate, a visitor, a whatever. I miss my family from time to time but at times like this is when I "physically" missed them. I guess that's my price to pay for living by myself, besides the ridiculous rent. At the end of the day, regardless of how dizzy I was feeling, I still drove myself home. Whether I like it or not, I still have to come home from work and clean up the mess in the kitchen from the morning before. And I had to cook myself food which I've hardly touched because I've zero appetite.

Sucks to be sick! I hope I'll never get sick again, never ever please... Alright, a cough and a sneeze here and there are fine!

just another three days

2010-09-01T02:08:00.002+10:00

I seriously don't wanna go to work tomorrow. Work has been a huge mess in the last eight weeks. I've lost all motivation and found myself not much of a purpose being there. Reporting to people who don't know what they are doing is just frustrating.

Good news is that I've gotten a new job and I've resigned from this current sh1thole. Three more working days and I'm done. I'm so done!!! To be fair, the bosses are really nice people, as well as other managers. Unfortunately, the person that I've to report to is a walking doll who doesn't do jack sh1t besides making sure that she gets to her hair and massage appointments on time. You get what I mean, don't you?

Anyway, I'm really excited about new job. Not exactly what I wanna do yet but I'm another step closer. I'm so grateful to have thoughtful people around me who never stopped helping me in my career, namely Kimchi and Coldie. In fact, Kimchi hooked me up with last job and this upcoming job. I owe her a big kimchi meal I guess. And Coldie was helping me in many different ways too, as well as giving me really good reference.

Speaking of Coldie. I've been hearing a lot of things about her. People back-stabbing her; how she's a real bitch in the industry, etc. They are probably true, but Coldie has never been mean to me. She's probably been using me too but hey, this is the real world and we're not in that "circle" for fun. So yes, Coldie has my loyalty. She has done the right thing for me, and she has my loyalty. I am not saying that she is a wonderful person with ethic and moral but I am saying she has never done me wrong, so I am not to dislike her. In some way, Coldie has taken me to where I am today in the shortest time and I appreciate that.

Almost half past two in the morning and my eyes are as wide as they can be. Apparently it is raining outside. My kinda weather but right now, I don't feel romantic or sexy at all. All I could feel is resentment at having to work tomorrow. Sigh... three more days, I can do it right? Right? Right! Aaarrgghhh!!!

I like the way you hate me.

2010-07-18T20:59:00.004+10:00

Once upon a time, a boy and a girl fell in love. Madly, happily in love. They were so happy, everything was beautiful in their world. It was surreal. They saw sunshine in gloomy days. They found zest in yucky food. They giggled to crap movies. I guess we all feel this way when you fall in love, life turns into fairytale and you take
happily ever after for granted.

However, like many many other real life story, happily ever after almost never come true. We fall out of love. We cheat. We lie. We found love again... in other places. Then get yourself ready for the hardest part - being dissed.

Every line I said doesn't sound right to you anymore. My voice put your ears in pain. I am a negative person. I am a meanie. I am sarcastic. I am shallow. I have bad taste. I am... Really? Seriously? I am poisonous. My words are poisonous, and so are yours! What happened to love is what you've got left after you've fallen out of love?? There's no love, no forgiveness or acceptance for us here. No pity either.

I know, I know, when you're in love, he's cute and adorable even when he farts. And when you've fallen out of love, the way he chews his steak shits you to the core. So here we are, trying to do all we could to be the better person, trying to make friends but you know what, every word from me was wrong. Everything that I had ever suggested was negative. I am the bad person now.

These hurt more than the breakup. And when this happen, we know we've made the right decision, because this person is not good enough for us. Time for you to get back to the game, the playground is waiting for you.

I am aunty one more time!

2010-06-17T22:19:00.003+10:00

Our bundle has arrived. Everyone at home is overjoyed. I'm so excited to be aunty one more time. At the same time, I'm feeling a little left out, because I'm not able to be home with them. It is no doubt my choice to live abroad, I know. Yet at occasions as such, I just wish I'm home.

Am I missing out? Am I? I love my life here, and I'm not just talking about having fun with mates, wining and dining and all. I mean, living a life where I work for what I get to enjoy. Having to ponder over what to have for dinner instead of going home to dinner already prepared. Having to make myself clean and wash although my body is crying for rest. I feel real. I like feeling under pressure to do better and faster. I like to know that I need to make more in order for me to spend even more. I'm gratified to see that I could actually do it, although I really should be at a better position now, making more moolah to go on more holidays and buy more diamonds, handbags, shoes and essentially, a place called home!

Anyway, it was one of those days where you've mixed emotion. Happy was an understatement. Ecstatic + excited + homesick. That's what it is.

All at the same time, I'm feeling scared. I'm scared that my family will slowly forget about me. I'm worried that they'll love me less and less as time goes by. I panicked when the thought of my Rice Angel will grow up to not including me in her life. I don't want to be an outsider, because I am part of them, I am in it and I want to be in it.

I miss home. I wanna go home, just for a bit though, because I am not done with Melbourne. As selfish as I can be, I do want the best of both world.

I'll curse you till I get tired, bitch!

2010-05-20T23:53:00.004+10:00

My maid deserves a cheating husband that gives her warts and all kind of STD you can name in the world! Aaarrgghh!!!

She was with us for two years, we've been nothing but wonderful to her. Treated her like part of our family. My mum often bought her clothes, took her to our family outings and always forgiving for whatever mistakes she had done. But God has proven to us again that being nice to others do not mean that you'll be treated the same.

Last month, she went back to Indonesia for holiday. We bought her the return air tickets, my mum gave her gifts for her family and lent her a mobile phone with a roaming sim card. She was meant to be back a few days ago but she rang and said that her passport was taken away by their custom officer, hence she missed her flight. She said she was gonna come back and she needed money to buy a new air ticket. So my mum TT her a few hundred Ringgit right away.

Then that fucking ungrateful bitch went missing! She wasn't contactable for a few days until today, my mum rang again and guess what? Her sister picked up the call and told us that she's married three fucking days ago. Pffft! Sometimes I wonder, is my mum treating the maids too well, that they end up taking her for granted? I don't know but I am sure karma is so coming to bite the slut on her back, she better wear another layer of pants!

making my way back

2010-05-20T01:01:00.002+10:00

First, I've cleaned the cobweb as suggested by Mrs P. Then, I'm putting my fingers to exercise. Other than working, cooking and entertaining my visitors from overseas that never, AND I MEAN NEVER, stopped coming to Melbourne, I haven't been doing much in the past four and a half months that I've gone virtually missing. Of course, I am active on Facebook and Twitter (please blame it on Twitter actually). I haven't even read my friends' blogs, none of them.

Dancing in the summer rain on New Year Day was just a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it? Ops... summer rain has long gone, hello to winter breeze instead.

A lot has changed in these months. Two friends are mummy now. Diana's little bundle is so adorable I'm so gonna kidnap her home one day while Di isn't watching. Sasha is popping next month if everything goes according to schedule. And good news today, which the psychic in me already knew, someone is 10 weeks pregnant. Congratulations, you know who you are. Hurry up, get over the puking then start booking yourself a photographer to take some semi-nude photos! Also, a very good mate is engaged, I'm so happy for her, wish came true. It's really heart-warming to know that your friends are truly happy and contented with where they are right now.

I have good news too. I got promoted but hold on, I am still underpay. You can call it Title Inflation - you get a great title, but shit pay. I do have my reasons of staying in the company besides it is a great learning opportunity and I'm considerably happy. I need to learn as much as possible in the shortest time frame. Oh well, I've no money to start my own business so I guess the best is to climb the career ladder at the moment.

I'm getting my regular two days a week rest now, no more working six days a week or my old seventeen consecutive days kinda crazy thing. Thank god tomorrow I've no work. I kinda like to split my off days as I find it more productive compared to two days in a row. I wouldn't keep thinking I've tomorrow to get things done so today I'll just do jack shit and when tomorrow comes, I regret not doing anything yesterday. Besides, isn't it great to work for two days and have one day off, then another three days and you tell yourself "Yay! No work tomorrow!" But because I'm running the show for the moment, I get work calls even on my day-off, or sometimes in the morning on my very precious sleep-in days. Honestly, I'm so not used to this but I guess I've no choice at the moment. Hope things would be better at work soon.

I've been having weird dreams of late. Twice with myself getting a Caesarean; of a tower collapsing; of strange people that I've never met before, doing strange things in strange places. And of my Dad. They're probably the best dreams. Oh, did I tell you my Dad saved my life last month? I was making soup in the evening, I had a long and tiring day. And I went to bed totally forgotten about the soup. At some point I was dreaming of my Dad and because I dreamt of him, I was slightly woken up and was tossing my body in bed when I smelled something was burning. In a very blurry state, I couldn't recognize whether that smell came from the kitchen or my dream. It took me probably a few minutes to remember about the soup, so I got up and went to the kitchen and of course, the fire was on. I turn it off and went back to sleep. The following morning when I checked, everything in the pot was burnt to ashes, EVERY FREAKING THING including the chicken carcass! I wouldn't have woken up for that 2 seconds if I didn't dream of Him, or if He came into my dreams an hour later, that would've set the fire alarm off.

I believe that He's still watching over me. He gives me strength when I'm weak. He gives me courage when I'm in doubt. And He will not stop loving.

Sweet dreams people. Let's see where my dreams take me to tonight, xoxo

got milk? say NO!

2010-01-08T21:07:00.002+11:00

I've rashes, dermatitis allergies Olga (my homoepath) said this afternoon. How I started going natural, believing in naturopathy and homoepathy happened about ten years ago. I was introduced to this so-called doctor by a friend when I was suffering from this chronic cough for more than a month. He eased my pain within 24 hours. Then he performed his magic again with completely curing my eczema - which I had since I was a baby - from the root. In the last 10 years I was eczema-free. For those who have no allergies-related skin condition, you will have no idea how painful that could get. So, like adopting a new religion, I've abandoned the old steroid creams, antibiotics, painkillers, anti-histamines, cold and flu tablets, cough syrups, and all sorts of drugs/chemicals we believe would only suppress our illness and not treating from its root.

Last Saturday, rashes came to wish me happy new year, damn it! I look absolutely disgusting right now, because I couldn't stop myself from scratching the rashes WHEN I'M SLEEPING! Look, I've been very disciplined while I'm awake, by using diluted apple cider vinegar to stop the itch and aloe vera gel to soothe the skin. In these high thirty degrees day, yours truly is too embarrassed to wear anything sleeveless in fear of being seen as the woman with deadly skin disease. This is double depression for me.

Now I HAVE to eat much more healthily. It's true, these two weeks I've been eating rubbish! I've been so drained from all these Christmas and New Year celebrations, even more I've to work through the festive season besides the actual days, I have been mistreating my body with bad eating. I've been feeding myself all these junk food, fast food and frozen food, no wonder my skin rallies for nutrients! I am f*cking upset with these rashes but in a way it is good because my body is reacting to whatever that I'm allergic to, and to me being malnutrition. These are all natural. Who would think a person like me with the size of a baby whale is malnutrition. I chuckled at that term when it came out from Olga's mouth.

So she said I'm corrupted. Because I love dairy - my cheddar and camembert and Danish blue and brie and yoghurt in the morning and mozzarella in every possible dish I cook. I'm asian and dairy is not in our diet traditionally. Apparently, asians never suffered from osteoporosis until they were "corrupted". Hello dairy, hello osteoporosis, and hello bad skin! Yes, there's calcium in milk but our body doesn't absorb much from it, instead more problems are created. She's not the first, nor the second but the forth person who told me to stop taking dairy. Everyone of them including a renowned dermatologist explained to me in their own ways with their own reasons. I totally buy them, I understand and I believe, but my love for the pungency of blue, the spicy-ness of vintage cheddar, the chewiness of mozzarella and softness of double brie is hard to cease. Today, Olga said to me milk is not for human, they are for cows! Very well said. The dermatologist told me milk is from pregnant cows that are raging with hormones. HORMONES. Okay, so I've to start all over again with my extremely-low-dairy diet. I'm allowed to have a treat now and then, sigh... so depressing (again!).

Fingers crossed I'll look better soon, as in tomorrow morning because it's 36 degrees tomorrow, it will be wonderful if I'm granted the option of wearing a strappy summer dress to work and meet some friends for drinks afterwards. Otherwise, I'll be cursing all the way till I'm fully recovered! 41 degrees Monday, hope that will change over the weekend. It's not good when it's too hot, dangerous. I solemnly pray for no bushfire, more rain to come, and smooth skin tomorrow morning, please...

there's a tear

2010-01-08T02:14:00.003+11:00

It was a long hiatus. Blame it on Twitter, or I'm just solely lazy. I've read on a friend's blog before (I don't remember who) all his entries are depressing, because he/she only writes when he's unhappy. I kind of understand what he meant. Because sometimes when you're feeling blue, you do not know how to make yourself feel better besides writing. For one, I'm not good at sharing misery in real life.

Yes, I'm feeling very much under the weather but I'll get over it.

So it's a new year, actually, a new decade. It's a new beginning and I could almost feel it in my skin that all good things are about to happen. I'm all hyped up for the new year, looking forward to better career opportunities, new adventures, better lifestyle, tip-top health condition, and all things positive. I do, I really do. And I know it's gonna happen but sometimes, just these very small fraction of times that would make me lie in bed and cry. This part of me who is so bad with letting go and getting over grief. And then I ask myself - f*ck, am I depressed? I think I'm just damaged and this piece of damaged goods likes the pain; because pain makes her feel that He's near her, everything is fresh and new and He hasn't gone too far for too long.

Enough said, I'm screwed because as everyone is moving on with life and embracing the happier moments, this very small part of me is stuck in the past. Ironically, I've no issue sharing with you here, neither do I have issue admitting it but I just do not want to talk about it to anyone.

It does feel good letting my fingers do the work. I'm feeling better now, tears are dry, nose is cleared. Have I also told you that I really appreciate those of you who read this space, who knows when I'm depressed, who leaves me message but never ever bring it up in person when I see you? Thank you. We shall keep it that way, xoxo

food vs rotting at home

2009-09-09T09:58:00.003+10:00

I'm home from another holiday to a (still) cold and wet Melbourne. Spring is here but the weather sure isn't. I wouldn't complain though, I love it cold. Mt Hutt was a small mountain but long runs and dry powder snow made up for it. We had a ball on the slopes but felt cheated because we lost 1.5 days of skiing as the mountain was closed due to bad weather. I'm thinking of doing a mid-week at Falls if the snow condition is still good, and also depends on which days I get off work.

What is worth a mention is that I wasn't sore at all after skiing this time. I supposed all these cycling and Bikram yoga are doing my body good! I used to get bad muscle sore all over after an intense day of skiing except in Japan (thanks to the amazing healing/relaxing power of the onsen). This time, I woke up every morning like my body had not done any sport. I really should TRY to keep up my fitness level at all times.

Christchurch is a quiet little city with absolutely revolting retail window display. Sorry, I couldn't help but noticed they have the ugliest window display I've seen for a long time. Other than that, I actually quite like this city, despite the fact that most things closed too early and food was pretty ordinary. I even managed to spent all my KL-trip expenses on clothes! Honestly, clothes in NZ (I'm not talking about Karen Walker kinda clothes) are pretty shit but I managed to find a lot of nice ones from Max. I came home with a whole new wardrobe, very exciting!

With only 3 nights in Christchurch, we managed to discover some hidden laneways without the help of guidebooks. SOL square was easy to find as it was the "must-visit" place with lots of street art, fancy restaurants and bars. That's where I got drunk and made friends with some locals. We also found another hidden laneway, that took us to a stretch of European-style bars and cafe, including a Russian vodka bar. I'm sure there are more to discover about Christchurch but really, 3 nights were enough for this trip.

Started work the day after I got back. It's good to be back at work. I almost forgot that I don't get paid when I don't work, that's really, really sad. Getting a day off today and I'm thinking of going to Mt Dandenongs for food. Should I, or shouldn't I?

we're sending our love from Methven

2009-09-01T21:33:00.003+10:00

We had an amazing day yesterday. Great weather plus fresh snow, we just couldn't ask for more. In fact, we're planning for Queenstown next year already. Holiday is always good...

one night only, Bronson

2009-08-25T01:18:00.003+10:00

Four more sleeps and we'll be in Christchurch. Very exciting but I've 101 things to do before I go. My place is in a big mess since I've been working everyday, all I wanna do at the end of the day is have a good meal, watch some bad TV and hit the sack. Had two days off last week because I was sick like a dog. I was feeling rather run-down prior to that. Of course, I had been working everyday with no day-off for more than two weeks, pffftt! Anyway, lots of herbal tea and two visits to my homoeopath put me back in shape.

Got a message from Bronson on Tuesday. He was in town for just one night so the very sick me with husky voice caught up with this very good, old friend for dinner and drinks, then more drinks, and more drinks... He looked very well, in fact, he looked younger than six years ago, how is that possible? Don't ask me! He hasn't revealed his secret. I was really excited to see him. We used to hang out in KL back in those days, erm... about 10 years back? We were young, fearless and green. We went to places, we met people and we kicked arse. Those years were mad, I don't think I can ever feel the same way today regardless of how much fun I have. Not in a bad way though, we just experience things differently as we mature.

Before getting Bronson from his hotel, I was a little worried that we would have nothing to talk about. Man... we couldn't stop talking from the moment he got in the car. We picked it up from exactly where we've left it. It's really warming to see friends like that. Don't you just wish we've more of these friends in life? I'm lucky to have many, and I love effortless conversation with good friends. Sasha joined us after dinner, we went to a couple of bars after. Sasha ended up not remembering how she got home. It was such great evening - spontaneous, great company and heaps of sake, vodka, cognac + cocktails! Thinking about Tuesday night puts a big smile on my face.

He promised he'll be back for Spring Carnival. Just can't wait for that!

I'm so awake now after dinner. Sometimes Bikram yoga really screws up my time. I finish at 9-ish, dinner at 10-ish after shower and by time I clean up it'll be almost midnight. I'll be so awake and I'll curse when the alarm rings the following day, damn! Perhaps I should wind down now and prepare for bed. Looking forward to sexy, windy and wet weather tomorrow, :)

my daughter has grown so much!

2009-08-11T23:22:00.000+10:00

I miss my little cheeky!

headache is annoying me right now!

2009-08-11T20:04:00.003+10:00

I was on an alcohol-free detox last week, and it lasted for five-and-a-half days. It was by far the most successful and longest hiatus I've had since god knows how long ago! Besides being alcohol-free, I was also eating pretty healthily, with maximum amount of home-cooking. Cycling and yoga are resumed (weather permitting). With all these effort, you'll think I'm a healthier and fitter person? Hell no! I don't feel well today. I was pretty much okay today until I got this massive headache after lunch, followed by sore throat and body ache. I thought I had a temperature too. Sigh... I really can't afford to fall sick. Got some takeaway congee after work and headed straight home. Ate, had a hot shower, gargled with Listerine, made myself herbal tea and planning to get 12-hour sleep. I hope I'll be better tomorrow morning or I'll call in sick although that's the last thing I wanna do.

I'm probably just run-down from work. I've been working everyday and I don't plan to get any day-off until my Christchurch holiday. I need the money so I really appreciate my boss to give me all these hours that I need. Unfortunately, I didn't perform very well on Sunday and today, aarrrgghh!!! I hope that wouldn't affect my roster next week because I desperately need them! I've Thursday, Friday and Saturday to redeem myself so please...

Anyway, to reward myself for being such a good girl last week, I made myself some kick-arse prawn+bacon risoni for dinner on Friday night, and popped open one of my favourite white wines that most of my friends don't enjoy. It's an acquired taste and I would rather have it by myself if no one appreciates it. Saturday night I got kidnapped by Mike Monkey to the new Lagerfeld Beer Garden. Beautiful venue but the crowd was crap, oh well, what can I expect from a Crown outlet? Anyway, one bar after another and we ended up at 1806 again, a very plastered me was having sandwiches and cocktails at 4am at the bar, that was "very lady-like"!

So my life of getting sloshed three times a week has gone. It is now working like a dog and drink myself silly just once a week. I'm trying to eliminate that one time too, I'll keep trying...

tribute to Joey Khor

2009-08-07T01:11:00.003+10:00

Tell me the new layout is not lovely. Tell me it is not me. All these happened over night, thanks to Joey! Man... this is just amazing! I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone that I've got my Diploma in Graphic Design but I've got a bunch of friends who are great designers though. Oh well, at least I gain something from college days *giggle*

Anyways, I'm very pleased with myself today. Twenty-two days to Christchurch. I cycled to work after a two-week hiatus. I rode yesterday too but riding to South Yarra is actually easier compared to Carlton although the latter is much nearer to me. It was uphill after uphill today. And the strong wind wasn't helping at all! I was riding against the wind so it definitely slow me down and the dust was annoying. Most importantly, Pinko and LL made it home safely after struggling very hard to keep Pinko straight and not getting blown away.

I've also gotten back to Bikram Yoga after a one year break. It was also my first class after I had my fracture on my spine. Instructor said I was pretty good for one who had stopped for a year but I could feel the pain on that particular disk that had caused me pain in the past ten months. It only hurts when I'm doing certain positions though. It was very disappointing, sigh... So people, listen to me. Love your spine, love yourself, there's nothing more important than having a healthy body, especially your spine. My condition is irreversible, I'm just hoping with more practise and exercises, I'll build stronger muscle on my back to support my spine and I'll eventually get better. I'm really upset about my back.

Alrighty, it's getting late, gotta go catch up on my beauty sleep so I don't feel like crap at work. I wanna go yoga again tomorrow but I'm not particularly motivated. I'll tell you if I make it there. Sweet dreams my dears!

best friends, expectations and honesty

2009-08-05T21:44:00.003+10:00

Twenty-three days before Christchurch. I've finally decided to take this holiday and go enjoy myself in the snow. So the intensive pre-skiing cardio training just started today, which I haven't done much, bwahahaha... except that I got myself a 90-minute massage. Honestly, I think I deserved it. Who works thirteen days consecutively? I do. Enough said. So for those who don't understand and make comments like "thought you said you're broke, and you've money to go for a massage?", you may just assumed I lied.

As I grow older, I find it harder to have people who understand me. Or shall I say, as I grow older, I realized people who seemed to know me actually don't know me as well as I would love them to? "Best friend", a label that I've stopped naming my friends since my late teens, came to mind. What is best friend? What are their tasks, and what do they need to do/not do to fit into the category?

When I was in kindergarten, my best friend was the one who shared with me her biscuits and played with me during breaks. In primary school, my best friend was the one who spoke with me over the phone for hours and kept my secrets. In high school, my best friend was the one who went to places with me before/after school, the person who shared all secrets with me and be my vault. In college, my best friend was the person who shared the same interest as me and enjoyed similar lifestyle with me. So how many best friends have I had in my life? A handful but at the end, I've decided this labeling game is just meaningless. If you ask me now, I say everyone can be my best friend, but with the condition of no expectations.

Watching all these evolutions of interpersonal relationships around me made me realized, EXPECTATION is a real killer in many relationships. I've seen friendships falling out because of expectation issues. Annie expects Bambi to behave like Camy but Bambi is acting like Dolly so Annie bitches about Bambi in front of Elsa and Bambi is jealous and accuses Elsa of snatching her BEST FRIEND, Annie. Happens all the time on your right, left, front and back. You know what I'm talking about. Wouldn't life be easier if we don't expect so much from others. Of course, I'm not the kinda great person you read about who gives unconditionally and expect nothing in return, but I'm learning and trying to influence people around me to expect less from family, friends and lover. Easy to say, hard to achieve I know. Look at me, I've failed 101 times in my past relationships and fought 1001 times with family members, expectation was the main poison. Friends wise, I'm doing pretty alright, or at least I would like to think that I am.

Back to the best friend story. I've friends who swear to each other that they are "best friends". They were very close, like spent a lot of time together, stayed under the same roof, traveled together, shared same interests, etc. Let's call them Fiona and Gina. What I see of these two is that they are the artificial best friends. They share good times together, travel, party, go to places, experience the good things in life, living up to each others' expectations but the missing ingredient in this so called best-friend-relationship is honesty. Fiona doesn't know much about Gina's personality, and I'm not sure how much Gina knows about Fiona. And when you ask Fiona, she says they don't discuss about things like that. Later, I found out that Gina lied to Fiona about things that me and ten other people are certain of.

Now my question is - Can you be best friends without honesty?

Gosh... my mind is so scattered and I am rambling. It's been a while since I wrote and I've been having all these thoughts about best friends, honesty and expectations. That's the problem when I don't write them down straight away and waited this long to come up with a structure-less entry instead. So, can we be best friends with me pretending to be someone else in front of you and lie occasionally so I look like I'm a better person to you?

Anyway, big thank you to Joey who is going to redesign my page. I was being very annoying and kinda forced him to say "yes" to my request. It'll be very exciting to see the new design. That should give me a lot of motivation to keep writing.

very exciting

2009-08-05T16:03:00.002+10:00

People, Joey is doing me a huge favour by redesigning my layout!!!

People, watch this space!

winter makes me sunny

2009-07-03T16:49:00.004+10:00

I love winter. I don't know what others mean by winter blues because cold and gloomy weather makes me happy. I love the sun too but that can't beat the cold. And this is coming from a girl who grew up in a tropical country that is hot and humid 365 days a year. I've always hated the heat since I was a baby. I get cranky when the mercury rises.

It's been wet and windy this week so I couldn't ride to work. I hate taking the tram, especially City Circle. They crawl like a snail and have no ventilation inside. You can die from lack of oxygen and body odour, trust me. Right, it's free, so why am I complaining?

So I was at work yesterday, cold and sleepy, waiting impatiently to finish because the only thing on my mind all day was WINE! Made plans with Pat to meet up in North Melbourne but I wasn't sure if I should go because there's no connecting tram from here to there (that's another disadvantage of tramming!). I was contemplating, one moment I said yes, another I decided on no. At last, Daddy K said he'll drive us there.

When I finished and left the store, I felt this great sense of joy when the cold breeze brushed against my face. Instantly, I was all smiles. I remembered again how the cold perks me up and calms me down at the same time. You know how you're happier when you do things that you enjoy? That works the other way around for me too. I was happy hence I wanted to cook. So I went to get groceries and went home to cook. Believe me, I was smiling while doing all these, I was almost dancy! As I walked home in the cold with my iPod on, that feeling was beyond words... It just felt so good. That probably also because I chose to make myself a good hearty meal at home over getting intoxicated at the pub.

And today, I had a big healthy lunch (leftover from last night) before I came in, so satisfying. I really don't cook enough these days. Proud of myself for not drinking last night. Tonight, however, I'm planning to have a big one. I think I deserve to party till sunrise. Thank God tomorrow is my day-off! Since I can't be all healthy, I'm gonna start with alternate days. And to get it started, my mantra will be "alternate my drinking days". Let's see how that works this time, :)

an afternoon with Mummy K

2009-07-01T21:28:00.003+10:00

My off day today, it got me all excited because last week I only had a day off and I wasted it on doing nothing at home! So today I made plans with Mummy K to the gallery for Salvador Dali's exhibition. We were having a quick bite at Pushka (they serves the best bagel in town I reckon) after we met up. We were updating each other on ourselves. Mind you, we were hanging out together on Friday and Saturday. This was the funny part...

"Oh... I went to D.O.C. on the weekend for dinner. The food wasn't that good anymore. I've been there before and then I went back again on the weekend, the food somehow wasn't as good anymore," Mummy K was trying to fill me up with what she had done on the weekend.

"Huh??" I was puzzled.

"D.O.C., the pizza restaurant, you know? The place in Carlton, that serves pizza?? I was there on the weekend!!"

"Mummy, I was sitting opposite you at dinner that night!"

And we broke into a laughing fit. So that started our little artsy fartsy mid-week afternoon at the gallery. What happened after that was a mystery...

gorgeous day

2009-06-24T14:37:00.003+10:00

It's been a while. How's everyone doing? And what have I been missing? I know I've been missing on all your updates. I haven't had time to sit down in front of the computer to read, let's not even talk about writing.

Fern came and left. She got home and was down with severe flu, got sent to the hospital because the GP told her she probably had swine flu, how exciting? So both her and Ronnie home quarantined themselves as instructed although they were just having normal flu. Seven days of no work without using annual or sick leave, that's bonus! I do not want it though, I'll die! I get paid by hours so I'll have no income if I don't work. How bad is that?

There are a couple of people sick at work at the moment. Manager came in yesterday when she couldn't even talk or walk like a normal person. She couldn't eat, couldn't stop blowing her nose, couldn't think, man... she just basically couldn't function and needed to stay in bed. Birdy told me she's desperate for money and she needs to work. I absolutely understand that part but how selfish is it for you to come to work and try to spread us your virus? She stayed for two hours and I did the rest of the day for her. I was freaking myself out every time she came near me. As soon as she left, I was searching the whole store for disinfectant to no avail, I used Windex to clean the phone!

Apparently other countries' governments were warning their people to not step foot in Victoria due to our swine flu outbreak. Ironically, our government had decided to lower the health measure. Temperature detectors had already been taken away at the airport and people who were in physical contact with swine flu patients are not summoned to home quarantined themselves anymore. Oh well, you won't die from swine flu as long as you get treated. It's milder than the normal flu we get every year, that's what I was told by doctors. So people, chill! My mum and uncle are bugging me every other day to stay away from crowded places. Seriously, if you know you're unwell, just stay home. For yourself to recover quicker and for others to not get it. Very simple, can we just stick to that? And of course, go to the doctor! Haha... such advice from a person who doesn't believe in going to the doctor!

Do you know I've never realized that Melbourne is this cold in the past five years until two weeks ago? I've always been the typical-lazy-Malaysian who drives or cab every where so I don't have to stay outdoor a lot. Two weeks ago, it was bitterly cold and wet, I could almost feel my bones were hurting. Now that I cycle (and tram when it rains), I finally understood why others have been telling me again and again that it's freezing. I was painfully frozen. So much so that I had to invest on a pair of boots. I never liked wearing boots, I think they are a waste of space and restrictive. I don't own many pairs and I would rather spend my money on a pair of good jeans or designer handbags. I wear strappy high heels out at night during winter, the cold never bothered me that much. So I got a pair of flat black leather boots from Zomp which I've been wearing it EVERYDAY to work since I got them two weeks ago. I am gonna wear them out to make my money worth. They are so comfy my feet never hurt eventhough I've to stand at work for eight hours on some days. It was a good purchase, I needed it.

This week, on the other hand, is warm and nice. Beautiful day today, so sunny I almost forgot that's it's winter. I'm keeping my fingers tightly crossed though for it to not rain. It was pouring in the evening last night when I was driving home. Pinko is taking me home today instead of Red Rocket so please... don't rain on me! I better get back to work although there's really nothing for me to do at the moment, so quiet!!!

say a little prayer for youS

2009-05-31T02:57:00.004+10:00

You know your friends are so important to you - as important as your family - when it worries the crap out of you when bad things happened to them. I know we're all stressed out and depressed over some really unfair issues but you really can't do anything about it at the moment. You see one break down in tears and you've to tell yourself to hold on to that, be strong and just calm each other day. All these feelings that we've cultivated will put your shallow, pretentious behaviour in shame.

Regardless of what happened, the warming smile stays on my face, knowing that our hearts stick together and our will can only make things better. I solemnly wish for all to have a good night sleep. Tomorrow will definitely be a better day, because we're here for each other.

Lotsa love, kisses, hugs and PRAYERS...

old news

2009-05-26T23:02:00.004+10:00

As I was having the last of my breakfast on the bench before getting in to work, my mobile rang. It was Kungpo Chicken, the screen said. What a surprise on an early Thursday morning. Look, he's a friend who I've not seen or spoken with for at least four years. Him and I had a short episode before but friendship remained. He met my parents in KL and they got along. In fact, Dad and him could talk for hours. Not unusual, Dad loves long conversation with people.

So we said our hellos over the phone, yadda yadda yadda, and he said he was planning to go KL again and would like to catch up with my Dad.

"My Dad had passed away," I told him calmly.
"What?"
"He had passed away," I repeated.
"You're kidding me..."
"There's nothing funny about this, He had passed away." At this point, he was doing my head in because I'm starting to believe, for one second, that it was a joke, none of that had happened.
"But he was healthy the last time..." Tell me about it!!!

Anyway, I couldn't speak with him about this over the phone. So I said I've to go and we'll speak again when I see him. So I went to see him for lunch on Saturday. I told him what happened to Dad while he listened in disbelief. As I was filling him with everything, it felt as if it was all happening to me again. The pain, the shock, the unwillingness to let go... they all just came back to me. I had to hold back my tears in order to save myself from embarrassment and smudged mascara.

It's bizarre how something that happened almost eighteen-months ago seem so fresh in your mind again. I thought I would've been very numbed by now but I guess even the best anaesthetic in the world can't do its wonder this time. I'm trained to be better at holding back my tears though. I took a deep breathe and changed the topic right away.

What's new with him? He's married, as I already knew from Big Bro. Also, his company is listed in America now, how wonderful? I've to say this dude is truly intelligent, capable and know what he's doing. I'm happy for him. Most importantly, what I saw in front of me across the dining table was the same old Kungpo Chicken that I knew five years ago. The boy who is trapped in a man's body, the one who loves teasing me, and the one who's blatantly honest about himself.

He flew off on the same night to Shanghai, then New York, then Hong Kong, etc. and I'm left with that feeling for Dad. Today, I was just sitting here, looking back on the most unbelievable week in December 07. Instead of letting myself falling into this depression (I hate using this word when I mean it), I chose to write. Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. Thanks for letting me share.

weird dreams...

2009-05-25T11:53:00.004+10:00

I dreamt of Dad, he was teaching me the 'right' way to play pokies. I wanted to call him first thing when I woke up to verify if it's true. I also dreamt of seeing a moving boat on fire on the ROAD, a couple and their son jumped off the boat. I also dreamt of communicating with a cousin who I normally only see once a year. He told me the dad of that family died from lack of oxygen, and he was 55 years old. Then I also dreamt of seeing a dead man's body, and I scraped the dead man's tongue with a fork (ewww...). And I vaguely remember I also dreamt of walking home with my cousin.

It's not often I can remember so clearly with details what I've dreamt of. I'm mildly disturbed. I wanna call Dad and speak with him...

eyes wide shut

2009-05-21T20:40:00.004+10:00

I'm insomniac. It's been three weeks. Regardless of how tired I was from the day, I just couldn't sleep when I'm in bed. Then I've to get up early the following day to work, to run errands or I just couldn't sleep for long. I was feeling a little flu-ish last night, so I went to bed at midnight, but I couldn't sleep till 5am. Another 5am!!! Got up at 8am, rode Pinko to work, rode Pinko to get a cutesy bubblegum pink bell with dinosaur picture, rode Pinko to do my waxing, and rode Pinko home. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I need sleep, I need good, long, deep, undisturbed sleep!

I'm waiting for my hair to dry and I'm hitting the sack. I've got this feeling that maybe... tonight I can sleep!

Pinko and I did it!

2009-05-20T23:08:00.005+10:00

Photo courtesy of June

It's been almost a month since Pinko was given to me but I was just too chicken to take her out of the hood. Oh well, I attempted once but the traffic on Collin Street freaked the both of us out. However, I'm not one who gives up easily. So yesterday, I got Sasa to escort me to get out of here.

This time, we made it! We did some warming up below my place, then headed straight to Crown, then dinner at South Melbourne, back to Crown to watch Observe and Report, back to Sasa's place again to play cards, and later I cycled myself home. Twenty-five minutes to get home from hers, not bad at all! And I amazed myself with the fact that I made the slopes without having to get off the bike and push. My single gear grandmother bicycle isn't bad at all!

I couldn't stop thinking about Pinko at work today. I just couldn't wait to finish and go home to take Pinko out. This evening's adventure was to the south-eastern side. Following the route yesterday, I went to Sasa's to drop off her stuff and off we headed towards Prahran to meet up with June and Des for some cheap pizza and beer at Lucky Coq. Tonight, I could eat as much as I desire sans the guilt, knowing I'll burn them off later. It was a great evening catching up with the riding couple and my good friend Sasa didn't fail to amuse and amaze us with her self-absorbing jokes! I just hope June and Des don't find her too "weird", although I've to admit that she's one big weirdo (thank god she doesn't read my blog!).

Cycling is really liberating. I'm getting more and more comfortable cycling amidst other vehicles. Just why did I stop cycling in the past 15++ years? Perhaps it's just too dangerous to do it back home with that crazy traffic and drivers' insensible way of driving. It is really good here where most people obey the road rules, respect and give way to each other. It's also very good for my pocket too - saving on petrol, parking and infringement! It is also a free way for me to exercise, preparing myself for the upcoming snow season and lose those fat for Fern's wedding. Not to forget, it's environmental friendly!

Oh man... enough of promoting cycling. I'm just gonna finish up with my nails and hit the sack. I am cycling to work tomorrow morning, ^_~

Mrs-Gan-to-be is coming to town...

2009-05-19T02:57:00.007+10:00

Tickets are confirmed. Four ways, two trips; one to Fern's wedding, another for Chinese New Year 2010. Malaysia Airlines rock (thanks to Air Asia at the same time for the competitive price)!!! They are slightly less than AUD700, yes, ain't cheaper than Air Asia or other budget airlines but seriously, I'm kinda traumatized by Air Asia X. I will only pick them if they're dirt cheap.

So here we go, Miss Lim, I'm coming to your hens party, your tea ceremony, your reception, witness the most important day of your life, celebrate with you for finding The One, watch for myself how beautiful you're gonna be, get thrashed, and nurse the hangover!! For those who haven't heard about this news of 2009 - my bestie is getting hitched in October!

Do you know we had all predicted in high school, among the four of us (Eileen, Fen, Fern and myself), that she'll be the first to get married? Our prophecy came true. I am glad we didn't predict who's gonna be the spinster, haha...

So what I need to do now is to save, save and save for her gift. Oh, also I gotta shed, shed and shed a lot of pounds so I look good on her big day. Fern is coming in less than a month's time, how exciting is that? I'm taking her to Winter Sound System and do all the girlie things like it's our private little hens holiday, woot!!! And I think I should just hibernate at home till she gets here as I'm dead broke, so broke that I'm actually in debts, not good at all!!!

Now, fuchsia is the colour, where can I get the dress?

really, what have you done?

2009-05-14T02:32:00.003+10:00

I remember saying these before...

"It's always a crazy night when you 1) wake up to heaps of ridiculous photos in your camera or 2) you have nothing in your camera but what happened runs in your mind, over and over again...

Latter tonight.

Such great night with Violet, Daddy and Mummy K. It's been a long time, at our old hangout, with that same old drink. Long meaningful/stupid (really up to you to pick) discussions. Nothing bids, really!!! I can't love these any less.

At some point, I really was wondering... how did your night go?

I freaking miss this little marshmallow

2009-05-08T01:25:00.001+10:00

Aaarrggghhh!!!

Pinko likes the cold too

2009-05-07T17:40:00.005+10:00

It's been cold since my birthday weekend, it's awesome. I absolutely love it. I still believe we'll get a few warm days before winter arrives, let's see. Looking at my wardrobe today, realized I don't have much clothes for riding when it gets colder. I'm not gonna be in bicycle tights, sorry. I'm talking about chic comfortable outfit that will keep me warm and allows me to cycle comfortably. Skinny jeans at the moment is a 'no' because I'm a whale, the back of my jeans seems to be dropping when I cycle; wide-leg pants is a 'no' because I'm worry that it'll get stuck on the paddle; long dress - 'no' at the moment because it's too freaking cold. So I'm left with just a few options and that makes me wanna go shopping for clothes. I've no $$$ though, sigh... had to transfer some from saving account yesterday, I'm dying soon.

Pinko and I ventured out of my neighbourhood today. The very ambitious me wanted to ride to South Yarra to submit some documents to my work place. I wasn't sure if Kings Way is cyclist friendly, so I decided to go through the city. See, I actually planned my route. So I was all dressed and set to go, and came home after doing two blocks in the city. The cars were freaking me out! They were left, right, front, back - every where! Man... Especially Collin Street, it was so narrow and I had no idea how to share lanes with cars, let alone sharing them with big vehicles like trucks! I was too scared, crossed the road and home I headed, pfffttt... what a loser?!

I guess there are two things I need to do before I can venture out of my neighbourhood. First - learn how to share lanes with vehicles. Second - build legs muscle to take me up the slopes on my single-gear Pinko! Riding a bicycle is great though, very relaxing and refreshing, take me to places that I've never been on foot or in car. Have I mentioned before that I suck big time at ball sports? I can't even play the badminton. In high school, I spent a month learning squash. At the end of the four weeks, I couldn't even serve! That's how bad I am, however, I can do solo sports. I like skiing, swimming, cycling, bowling and I was a rhythmic gymnast when I was young. I like anti-social sports, those that I can do by myself and not have interaction with others, and most importantly where there's no balls flying towards my direction.

It's gonna be cold and windy every day until next Thursday, says Bureau of Meteorology. So exciting! Gonna try to sleep early tonight so I can do a few rounds before going bike shopping with Sasa tomorrow. Nite, peeps!

we got drunk on Monday night

2009-05-05T19:31:00.004+10:00

It's been a long time I've guests over to my place for dinner. My place was so cluttered (with junks) before this I didn't feel comfortable having people over, let alone wanting them to eat here. After giving my living room a face lift, my place is so tidy and spacious now, thanks TY for the great help. So last night, I made dinner for Jevon and Rika. Mainly because I owed Jev a meal since last year and he's been wanting me to make bak kut teh for him.

Our little bak kut teh dinner turned into a night of crazy drinking session. We quaffed six bottles of wines. I don't remember what time they left and what time I went to bed, but I do remember scowling a litre of water so I wouldn't be hungover today. I didn't sleep well, waking up every now and then. Couldn't believe Rika made it to class at nine. I got up at noon to get myself ready for trial work, looking bloated from water retention, what a bad start!

Regardless, I was told to go in for work again tomorrow (getting paid this time). They need to train me up before they can decide to take me on full time or give me more hours. Honestly, this isn't the job that I want but I still need to pay my rent, bills and survive so... It's not bad, I'm sure I'll learn something from it and in the mean time, I will keep applying for other jobs.

Really enjoyed having friends over for dinner and drinks, it's been a long time. I'll definitely gonna cook more for friends but because my place is so tiny, they'll have to be invited in batch. I'm thinking of doing prawn mee next...

introducing Pinko

2009-05-04T01:58:00.004+10:00

photo courtesy of JuneC

There are things that you think you have them but they've long left you; and there are things that you think you've forgotten about but they will always be in you. Like riding a bicycle.

I've been wanting a bicycle since August last year, those really retro kinda bike, preferably in red or pink. I had been talking, talking and talking about it but didn't get my act together to actually get myself one.

This year's birthday, TY gave me Pinko. A pink, retro, gearless, only-one-in-Melbourne (Australia I dare to say), very girlie with a basket bicycle. Oh my god, I'm so grateful! Pinko and I went out to play after June and Des helped me to buy a lock; lights; and a baby blue, retro, racer-looking with front and rear lights helmet. By the way, my accessories cost as much as my bike, wtf?!

June and Des guided us around Docklands today. The last time I rode a bicycle was more than 15 years ago. I was a little shaky at the beginning but I slowly gained my confidence after a while. It's been so long and the feeling of riding a bike is still the same - f*cking great!

There was a bit of drama before we cruised - TY attempted to kill me with Pinko. To begin with, she didn't tighten the front handle enough so the front wheel was totally out of control, swirling right, left and every where. I took it to the shop to tighten it and got it aligned, no big deal. Then the boys told me that my tyres are flat, so Des pumped air for me. Within the first three minutes of riding, my seat plummeted to its lowest, OMG, I got a shock and screamed for help. The seats weren't locked! At the end, every thing was fixed and I'm saved from death.

I have to agree with June that cycling is addictive. I love it so much I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. I'm still a little scared of sharing roads with cars though, hopefully I'll get better soon so I can travel to more places with Pinko.

another intoxicated post...

2009-05-02T06:33:00.002+10:00

Please excuse the grammar or spelling mistake... drunk I am.

Had another great night, delusion-ally thought it was my birthday once more. I dreamt of Dad four nights ago, he was dying again. Just how many times can someone die on me? I felt the same pain when he physically left me, (in my dreams) but I know I'll survive. It's the best yet the toughest way for him to tell me that I can do it.

Yes and no, I'm surviving with or without him. This sound really stupid but if you ask me if I miss home, I would say no. If you ask me if I miss my family, I would say not really. If you ask me if I miss Jae Ee, I'll say yes; and if you ask me if I miss Daddy, I'll say more than anything on earth...

I'm feeling younger

2009-05-01T00:35:00.002+10:00

Another birthday has passed and I'm none the older, or wiser I supposed. While my bestie is engaged and another good friend is expecting her first baby, I'm still living like an 18-year-old - getting thrashed on weekends and not remembering later half of the nights.

Really excited for my friends. I can only keep my fingers crossed hoping I can save enough moolah to fly back for the big day. Things are really unpredictable for me now as I haven't found a job and having a bit of problem on the financial side of things. I've been good though, budgeting my expenses by eating and drinking out much, much less. Am still looking for a job during this financial crisis period. I know it's not gonna be easy but people are still hiring, it's just whether they are keen on hiring this wide-eyed fresh graduate.

So birthday celebrations were separated into three nights. And of course, I was drunk at all three. So much booze, so little sleep, hence I'm left with a cough and wonderful birthday gifts from friends. Most importantly, my Christchurch ski trip is now confirmed, thanks peeps, I'll think of you when I ski down the slopes. I cannot wait. Buller is open for $20 bucks per day this weekend. Can you believe it's open five weeks before the season? It's been cold all week, heard on the radio yesterday it's the coldest April in fifty-odd years. I seriously love the cold but am also worry at the same time... the world's climate is changing drastically. Soon we'll not have spring and autumn, it's just gonna be summer and winter.

It's been a long time since I wrote. It actually feels damn good letting my fingers tell my story. Going for food and window shopping with Sasa. I'll be back, this time I promise!

just because I say it...

2009-04-21T12:41:00.007+10:00

Why me and my friends are bitches and others are angels? Because we are less pretentious than the so-called Angels around us. Honesty isn't our middle name but at least we speak our minds and are responsible for our own actions.

I'm sure you've one of those friends, who cannot take negative comments from you, or rather information that isn't soothing to their ears. Ironically, they claim that I am the stubborn one who don't listen to others and have my skewed opinion. Seriously, whose opinion isn't skewed? Isn't how personal opinion is supposed to be? Viewing from your own perspective?

Anyway, I'm a bitch just because I share my opinions out loud. Apparently I've an evil heart just because I commented on how another person looked. Oh well, I'm the bitch if you truly believe I'm the only person talking about it. I'm sure you don't have the slightest idea your angel(s) has rotten mouth too.

So I'm a bitch by slutting around in clubs getting free drinks and your angel(s) doesn't do it. Like a good friend once said it... Everyone thinks Lynn is spoiled, that Lynn always expects others to wine her and dine her because she says it out loud and admits it. True! Very true, I do speak about things like that among friends but have I ever taken any advantage of my friends? My true friends would know. She was saying because by admitting my action makes me a greedy bitch and others are acceptable because they don't admit it. Do you rather me to be the greedy bitch at heart and pretend to be the angel on the shell?

It's been a long time since I wrote and don't know why I'm bitching on my return ("because you're a bitch"). I know my mouth is definitely a bitch, sometimes I speak with the intention to piss others off. But are my actions harmful? Am I really greedy? Am I really a bitch? ("yes, you're a bitch"). I just get really disheartened when friends who you trust and care for don't have faith in you.

Yes, so I am a bitch and I have never pretended to be an angel from day one. What else do you have to say?

new entry!!!

2009-03-16T17:56:00.008+11:00

I've heard it again and again from friends that they've nothing to read "when they are bored at work", that they are sick of seeing the title "I wanna be healthier". You know what? I've turned lazy and seriously, I've been really busy.

A lot has been done in the past 75 days. I survived 40 hours for the new year parties. I didn't think I was gonna go to three parties in a row. Sensation White was a bit of a disappointment. Music was only average and there were too many pauses in between tracks. We enjoyed the music in trance room more than the main room's. When the party finished, I bizarrely ended up in a gay couple's apartment with a big group of their friends. It was a long story but I remembered Violet was screaming at the top of her lungs over the phone asking met to get out of the apartment. Nothing bad happened to me of course. They were very nice boys.Summadayze was great despite the cold on a mid summer afternoon. Evonne and I were in shorts and T's. Thank goodness the boys who came later brought us a [red] blanket and that was the most eye catching accessory I had for the day. It was so cold I had to use it as my wrap skirt. Very embarrassing I have to say but when you were that desperate, I believe you would do the same. I had it with me to the after party at QBH too. Jev was surprised that the bouncer let me in.So that was my new year and it took me a while to recall what day I actually finished my parties. Party started on the eve and finished on the second morning. I know I'm not 18 anymore that's why it took me a whole week to fully recover from the lack of sleep, big time intoxication and sore limbs, man...

Late January was time to go home for Chinese New Year. Have I told you Dad was a very traditional father and we were not allowed to miss CNY celebration at home? We're carrying on this tradition and I know His spirit has never left us. Last year we weren't allowed to celebrate but this year was big one. So much food I swear I had put on 3kgs.

The Melbourne crew from Singapore visited on one of the weekends for some serious partying. That was a massive weekend. It was just like in Melbourne plus the humidity and traffic. We had so much fun some of us passed out in the club and got carried home; some of us rolled down the stairs; some of us missed the flight; and some of us kissed gay boys and made friends; and all of us thought it was one of the best weekend in a long time.TY and I visited the monkeys the following weekend in Singapore. I was diagnosed with cellulitis (nothing to do with cellulite, err hmm...) a couple of days before so I was given some strong-arse antibiotics and I wasn't supposed to drink. Those pills had to be strong because they got me really delirious after each dose. Anyhow, yours truly managed to get sloshed on Friday night but was well-behaved enough to keep herself sober on Saturday night for a change. I'm always satisfied in Singapore as long as I get my frog porridge and kway chap.
note: typing these words makes my stomach growl.

Flew in to Tokyo in mid February for some good food and powder. Joined the rest of the crew in Hakuba after a night in Tokyo. Snow was good but I still need a lot of getting used to the powder on my skis. Ramen, rice and sake for lunch on the slopes were God's gift. Onsen at the end of each day was heaven. If it wasn't for the onsen, I would've been 10x more sore each morning. I was in Japan with parents 12 years ago and Tokyo was pretty much the same as what I remembered. The city rocks despite everything costs a bomb, partially thanks to the foreign exchange rates. Spent most of my money on food. Japanese fashion really isn't my cup of tea but Burberry Blue Label was too cheap to say no.Spent two nights in KL before I returned to Melbourne. Mum and brother were asking me to stay till end of the month and were sort of giving me the emotional blackmail. Honestly, time at home will never be enough for us. Besides attending a good friend's wedding, I thought it's time for me to end my holidays, get myself back to Melbourne and realized that I've no money to pay rent next month plus I haven't gotten myself a full time job, wooohooo... How exciting is that?!?

So here I am, back in Melbourne in my tiny little apartment, surfing for jobs and worrying about paying the bills. Life, life, life...

I wanna be healthier

2008-12-30T20:27:00.002+11:00

I've started my new year resolution just a few days before new year comes, that is to practise a (slightly) healthier lifestyle. Firstly, I am "trying my best" to stay in on week nights, meaning I shall only drink on weekends. I've done very well in these seven days *pat on my own back*

Secondly, I've officially started my pre-skiing training - forty minutes on the treadmill, thirty minutes in the pool. Every other day. I'm allowed to skip on the weekend if a) I'm hungover or b) I'm out. Yesterday was day one, we'll all watch how determined I am this time.

We are all hyped for Sensation White tomorrow night. They are planning to go in white - a friend's fiancee has gone as far as buying a pair of new white trousers and new underwear. I'm with you brother, I'll be in white underwear but I've not decided on what to wear. Just how many white parties are there in these twenty-four months? First it was Armin White Party, then Godskitchen 10th anniversary white party, and Sensation White. I personally like wearing white to raves hence I've actually ran out of whites this time. I'll find something to wear tomorrow.

I've succeeded in getting Evonne to go Summadayze on new year's day too, woot! Wasn't hard to convince at all. We're planning to give ourselves a couple of hours break in between the two parties. Can't wait!

Something isn't right with my laptop. My screen blacks out after a few minutes but this only happens when I'm overseas. You think my baby isn't used to the heat and humidity? I was gonna send in to get it fixed but there's just no problem when I'm in Melbourne. So how am I gonna tell them that I've got a problem? It was just impossible for me to blog when I was overseas.

Anyway, I should go to bed and have an early start tomorrow. Happy 2009 people in case you don't hear from me tomorrow. I'll definitely be rocking it at the parties.

Boxing Day 08

2008-12-26T02:59:00.003+11:00

Couldn't keep my eyes open by half past nine. Man, I really am sleep-deprived. Have I mentioned I was having too many ~~drunk~~ late nights in KL? Even my maids felt sorry for me (that's their exact words in bahasa, really). So I swore to myself that I'm gonna take it easy in Melbourne, good for my wallet, better for my liver and skin.

I was deeply asleep for about three hours before the sound of cars beeping woke me up. You know what was I thinking? I thought "damn... these people must be fighting their ways to the boxing day's sale". I know, what the...? Opened my eyes and it was (still) pitch black. Checked the time and it was only 1-ish. I was lying in bed, trying to put myself to sleep again but all I could think of was to get a Vuitton handbag. This is freaking abnormal yet pathetic I've to say.

With my little leftovers in the bank and upcoming holiday plans, I don't think I can afford any handbags, or any form of shopping to be precise. I've promised to go shopping with Violet tomorrow though, isn't that cruel for me?

Merry X'mas 08

2008-12-25T19:14:00.003+11:00

I did nothing on Christmas's eve or day and I'm very pleased. KL has totally worn me out, I ended up with a nasty cough and cold. So here I am, back in Melbourne, in my tiny little apartment, enjoying what seems to be impossible in KL - peace and quiet at home. Don't get me wrong, nothing's wrong with my family, we're just constantly busy at home - playing with Jae Ee, stuffing our faces with food, getting ready to go out, talk, talk and more talk. Or I'll be partying on a few consecutive nights until one of us surrendered.

Air Asia x was by far the worse flight I've taken, far out! The seats are so small, it's almost impossible for me. Well, I had three seats to myself and that usually allows me to sleep comfortably but Air Asia's are just crazy. It was frustrating and kinda traumatizing. I cannot bear to remind myself that I've another two trips with them.

It was good that I did a thorough clean up before I left so my apartment is pretty clean. I just have a lot of stuff lying around, like mails, suitcase, unwanted clothes and magazines. I'm in the mood for a ~~spring~~ summer clean this week, get rid of the old and comes the new. Where shall I start?

I get attached to a place too easily

2008-12-17T23:21:00.002+11:00

Alright, I sort of missed my flight on Saturday so I'm still hanging around in KL. Some said I cheated their feelings for making them came for my farewell last Wednesday; I say I love you guys too much I don't wanna leave.

Having friends around who love eating makes me fat. I'm like 4 months preggar now, very gross I must say. Then I've this list of restaurants that I 'have -to' visit before I leave and when I return next month. I really wanna come back earlier in January but I don't know if I should take the offer. I think I'm falling in love with KL all over again. A place that I've lived for 23 years before my heart betrayed her for Melbourne.

Thinking of boarding the plane makes me depressed again, but I know this feeling won't last for long when I'm back in Melbourne.

I left my soul in Bangkok

2008-12-01T04:27:00.004+11:00

Bangkok was a blast, thanks to Silly Billy. We made it back a day before the airport closed down. Everyone around us says we're lucky; I secretly wished that I'm still in Bangkok. Dr Ben was one of the thousands "Thai refugees". He was stuck in Bangkok airport, hired a private car to take him to Phuket and fought his way to an air ticket to KL. Well done! He only had one night in KL and he sure had a good time.

So I haven't been blogging much in KL. I really have no time or energy. Returned from Bangkok on Monday and we've been partying for four nights straight. Reminded me of those days where we partied six nights a week. KL-ites just don't have to get up early for work, do they? Tonight is my liver's night-off. I've decided I should let it rest for AT LEAST a day in a week. I want to do a two-week liver detox when I return to Melbourne, we'll see.

Heading up north tomorrow for some char kway teow, prawn noodle and some sun. Great tactic to skip Velvet on Wednesday night.

Mrs P owes me many many drinks

2008-11-14T01:19:00.005+11:00

Likai didn't go to work today, hooray!!! At least I wasn't the only person who was hungover. Oh well, I woke up at 11-ish in the am and I was feeling absolutely okay but the headache struck me at about 2pm and I was in bed all day trying to sleep off my headache and I did. Man, we had 8 bottles of wine the bill says!

So Violet was right, I'm doing the same thing to my friends whether I'm in Melbourne or KL - getting them sloshed on a week night and make them suffer the day after at work.

By the way, very disappointed with Kaixin and Angela. One didn't show face and the latter left after a few glasses of 'fruit juice', booohoooo... There shall not be any Sunway/Subang for us in these coming four weeks because Angela has to compensate me for making me go to KLIA!

Because of Angela, I ended up in KLIA last night. I finished perming my hair in Mandarin Oriental wanting to get to TTDI to meet the mean girl. As usual, I wasn't familiar with the roads, I took the wrong turn onto the new freeway. I went to Selak Selatan, Bukit Jalil, Seri Kembangan, KLIA and took the usual road from airport to Damansara. I was friggin retarded!

Next week Raw and afternoon karaoke, I'm pre-booking you girls!

Queensland 2 - First day in Gold Coast, take it easy honey!

2008-11-14T00:37:00.003+11:00

The four of us woke up to the phone ringing from the reception, telling us that we were supposed to check out thirty minutes ago. We got ready as quickly as we could and checked out of Oaks apartment with massive headache. Thank heaven for the Panadol Rapid that Olga got us, we were all chatty and chirpy again when we were in the limousine on our way to Gold Coast. Even though I haven't touched any painkiller for years, I had to succumbed to it that morning.

Gold Coast was very touristy, as it was 13 years ago when I visited with my family. The apartment we stayed at, Q1, was conveniently located at Surfers Paradise. So the aim of this trip was to relax, unwind and rejuvenate. With that in mind, we went shopping for fresh food so we can make nutritional breakfast and be healthy. Right, Olga made us some vegetarian pasta for dinner and we all decided that we should just stay in and have a good rest after a bottle of wine and some punch although it was Saturday. We all agreed.So the three (older) girls went to bed while I was chilling in the living room reading my book. The alcoholic in me ended up finishing three quarter of a bottle of vodka by myself, bleh... I was making this vodka punch that Charm and I created recently and they were absolutely divine. Tasted so good you wouldn't realize how potent that can be. That night I decided to go to bed at about 2am when the words in my books started jumping around...

To be continued...

Queensland 1 - Brisbane, Southbank, Bowery, Zuri, Press Club

2008-11-05T22:16:00.007+11:00

Every thing seemed to be perfect and exciting when Mummy K, Sugar-sugar and I got to the airport on time and checked-in without excess baggage. Trust me, I thought I was bad with traveling light but those two women brought suitcases so huge we looked like we were going to Africa for three weeks. We were pissing ourselves all the way because Mummy and I were constantly making bimbotic comments and conversations.

Anyway, we checked-in to our apartment in Brisbane city and had a really good lunch at Cha Cha Char's sister seafood restaurant, Jellyfish. Every thing that we ordered were just beautifully, with a refreshing bottle of Villa Maria sauvignon blanc to kick-start our afternoon. Olga joined us later in the apartment and we happily finished three bottles of wines before getting ourselves dolled up for the evening.

And then... I realized I left my makeup bag in Melbourne. Oh My F-king God! You've no idea how important my makeup is to me. I can go without on a beach holiday but this isn't a beach holiday, it's Brisbane and Gold Coast (GC is too touristy to be listed as beach holiday for me). I was almost in tears, let me tell you, I was devastated. Firstly, I was already having the worst skin condition since I was 18 and feeling + looking fat like a whale because I was still not bleeding then. To make things worse, I've really sensitive skin so anything other than my own makeup will put me at risk of breaking out. Seriously, if I've friends in Melbourne with my house keys, I would pay them, beg them and plead them to get my makeup and bring/courier over.

Anyway, that wasn't going to happen. To make myself felt better, I told myself I've three chickies with me so I shouldn't let this get me down. So we were all looking pretty, feeling sexy (not so for me), rather tipsy and took the Citycat to Southbank for some Japanese and sake. We headed to Bowery Bar (Gourmet Traveller Bar of the Year 2008) for some cocktails after dinner. We spoke to some boys there and got them to tell us where is a good place to party on a Friday night...

We ended up at Zuri, the new Sun Bar that has recently opened its door. Classy and pretentious that's what it is. We liked it. Mummy was complaining how she hated the pretentiousness of others in the club, but after a couple of cocktails, she was rocking it hard with us on the ~~dancefloor~~ stage. We've also had the best Wet Pussies and Lemon Drop here, prepared like cocktails in a shaker then poured into our tall shooter glasses instead of pouring each ingredient straight into the individual glasses like every else does. Mummy and I loved it so much we had four glasses within thirty minutes.

That night we ended up back in the apartment drunk, noisy and messy. We had another bottle of wine in the balcony while discussing about politics, socialization and others. We sure are more intelligent when drunk let me tell you.

To be continued...

True Red Flannel Plaid Wool it says

2008-11-05T17:41:00.004+11:00

Obama will be the next US president, wooohooo!!! I'm so excited for him and the world.

Because of some last minute major changes to my Asia trip, I have brought forward my trip to this Friday. That also means I've to get my skis and boots ready to go home with me two weeks before the initial date. So I sent my skis in for waxing, edging and tuning but I had no board bag to ship them.

I was planning to get the new season's bag in the middle of the month, like how every retailer was telling me that's the time of the year when they get them. So I was running around town like a mad woman last week looking for Burton's wheelie gig (in colours) but they only have the black one left. In case you haven't know, I hate plain black bags, so boring. I'm a bimbo, I like my board bag to be in girlie colours and print. I've always wanted something in pink or red.

Because it's the end-est of the season and new season stock wasn't in town yet, I was prepared to buy anything with a roller, and get ANOTHER new one when I return next month. Thank goodness I emailed Capital 17 trying my luck for the very last time and they replied to me this morning telling me new season's bags are in their sisters store, Auski! My car was illegally parked in front of Auski 15 minutes after I read the email and came home with a spanking new red wheelie gig bag soon after.Great things do happen (just sometimes) when you keep trying. When you're at your most desperate and when you stay positive. I'm so happy I'm jumping around like a kid now!!!

I wanna be a jetsetter!

2008-11-04T23:04:00.003+11:00

I'm home from our girls-weekend-away in Gold Coast. It was the Melbourne Cup today and apparently the whole of Gold Coast was swamped by Melburnians who were eager to get out of the hustle and bustle. On the other hand, there are even more people who flew in to Melbourne for this national event.

Look, we planned to have a bit of fun in the bars/clubs in Brisbane on Friday night follow by a relaxing weekend from Saturday till Tuesday in the Gold Coast. I don't know what happened but we certainly weren't rested and came home feeling more tired than before. It was of course a great getaway but I'm absolutely knackered.

I'll talk about our crazy trip in details in the next entry. I need to crash now because I've 101 things to do before I go on another five weeks holiday in Asia tomorrow. These packing, unpacking, packing and unpacking again is absolutely draining, not to mention doing the laundry.

Chilli balls

2008-10-31T00:22:00.005+11:00

I have a thing for curry fish balls, those that you get on the streets in Hong Kong but not all are nice. If I find a nice one, I'll return and get half a dozen of it. The best curry fishballs for me would have to be Y2K cafe in Sydney's Chinatown. It's so damn good I buy a few boxes of them and bring them on the plane with me to Melbourne every time I visit. Wonder if I can still do that with the 100ml liquid regulation on board now. Anything half as good as Y2K in Melbourne will make me happy, unfortunately I haven't found a single curry fish balls stalls here, except for the frozen ones from the Asian grocers. I do get them when I'm desperate.

Anyway, I've discovered something not as good as Y2K but it's almost kick-ass.

Szechuan chilli fish balls.

I took away the leftover from dinner at Dainty's on Tuesday night. This time I asked for extra boxes for the soup/oil and chilli/peppercorn instead of taking the meat only. I cleaned up the pot and came home with 3 boxes of those. I put them into a pot, reheated it and added in some spam, fish balls and teochew fish balls (fish balls with meat in the middle). Oh my god, they are so yumm... I've been snacking on them and just kept adding more balls. Even the meat in the middle has absorbed the chilli, how great is that? They are so addictive and chewing the dried chilli gives you more flavour if you like things spicy.

Oh well, that's the story of my life - I still can't stop eating.

Queensland tomorrow and I had trouble packing. So I had decided to just bring everything I assume I might need. I shall get back to my chilli balls then go to bed. Have a good weekend peeps and for those who are betting, good luck with the horses!

The Women

2008-10-30T02:12:00.002+11:00

Caught The Women at the cinema this evening. It was pretty crappy I would say although the cast was great. It's like a really bad version of SATC, although the movie is actually a reproduction of the 1939's original version. This group of good actresses just have no chemistry acting with each other. One thing that many of us would've noticed was it was a truly feminist movie - the cast was 100% female, there's no single appearance of male in it, not even anonymous walking on the street. What's funnier was the whole cinema was occupied by female only. It's really one hell of a chick flick!

Anyway, I'm still not bleeding and I've been eating all day. Seriously the only time I could stop myself from eating is when I sleep. For a person who doesn't really take ice-cream, I had choc-top in the cinema. I'm so angry with myself. The more I wanna lose weight, the more I end up eat. So I had decided to clean the apartment tonight and it worked, for a good couple of hours I didn't eat. Sometimes cleaning can be really therapeutic, just like cooking. I washed the covers, changed the sheets, vacuumed the carpet, mobbed the floor, scrubbed the bathroom.

I've so much junks at home I don't know what to do with them. Yeah, what's new right? Those clothes that I wanna get rid of is piling up. Can't believe I couldn't make it to Camberwell's Sunday market with the girls few weeks ago. I scheduled my flight to come back from NZ a day before market day, I loaded all five huge bags of clothes in the car, I borrowed and got TY to load the clothes rack for me, but my body just couldn't make it there. Damn... what's really annoying was I had to unload all those shit out of my car, such pain - physically!

Guess I'll sell my clothes and shoes on e-Bay but can someone teach me how?

stuffed and unable to sleep

2008-10-29T06:42:00.002+11:00

I'm not the biggest fans but I'm definitely not against her. Have you guys watch Paris for President? It's freaky stupid... yet funny! Hilarious spoof of McCain's. Check it out - Paris for President

I'm an eating monster

2008-10-29T02:45:00.004+11:00

I've eating disorder.

I cannot stop myself from eating and my PMS has heighten to a crazier level. Besides unable to stop eating, I can't stop cooking either. Last night I made three dishes and soup for myself. I ate 20% of what I made because there was just too much food.

We had Sasa's farewell dinner at Dainty's tonight, our favourite Asian restaurant in Melbourne. We meaning Sasa and I, while the rest were Peking Ducking in Collingwood! Yeah, we have no one else to get our chilli fix with since TY and Alice have gone, while Pat and Den are working interstate.

After dinner, I had Shanghainese dumplings at Sasa's before coming home to have more balls and spam that I've added into the take-away chilli soup/oil. I was still not satisfied hence I started making bak kut teh. Man... when is this mad-arse eating gonna stop? When am I gonna bleed??

Lavish one more time!

2008-10-27T20:57:00.005+11:00

Some months ago I bought a box of four glasses with cow prints. Eventually, I broke one, two and then three of them. I'm now left with one. So if you were me, would you
a) not care about how many has broken;
b) stop using it so the last one wouldn't break; or
c) throw away the last one cause it reminds you of the other three?

That was pretty random, yes.

I was chatting with an old friend on MSN and he was asking if I'm still partying hard. Of course I still party but I wouldn't say hard. Speaking of which, I can't believe I've to give up Global Gathering, damn! We were so looking forward to Above and Beyond, ATB and other international DJs. Because of some unexpected circumstances, Mummy and Daddy K are not gonna make it while I will have to be home for Dad's one year anniversary ceremony. Violet and Pat couldn't believe I was contemplating between going home and Global Gathering. I seriously have developed Mummy K's disease - Priorities Confusion Syndrome.

So I'm selling my GG tickets, still can't believe it! I've also missed Godskitchen this year because mum was around but according to Michele, it wasn't that great so I'm comforting myself that I've not missed much. To compensate what I've missed, I'm going to be partying back-to-back at Sensation and Summadayze. Don't ask me how I'm gonna make it, I don't even know if I still have the energy to party that way but let's just give it a try. It's gonna be fun especially when I've not been to raves since Armin in June (best rave ever).

For those who don't know, the one and only Asian night that I supported, Lavish, has come to an end after four years of kick-arse Fridays. From not liking Asian nights, to being there because my friends are there, to growing to love it; Lavish was part of my life in Melbourne. So much memories, alcohol, good music, photos and craziness we had together. It was rather upsetting to know that I can't just walk in like it's my second home on a sleepless Friday night. So the organizers had a farewell party cruise on Saturday night. It was freaking awesome, with bottomless flow of alcohol, familiar faces and those music that we loved. It was just like one last time of Lavish. Without a doubt, we were all off our faces. It was such great party.

Photo courtesy of Charmaine

Looking forward to the new series of hardcore partying after 4fronts brief hiatus.

beach and asia I'm after you!

2008-10-27T00:55:00.004+11:00

I'm doing Bangkok in about four weeks' time, yay! This time, we're only doing street food, massages, partying, more street food, more massages and Chatuchak. I'm not eating in the restaurant!!!

In the coming 6 weeks, I'll be doing Gold Coast, Singapore, KL and Bangkok.

I've given up looking for a full time job. With all these holidays lining up till March 09, who's gonna hire me full time? No one would wanna take me for even a casual job knowing that I won't be here most of the time, pffftt! But I promise, after Japan 09, I will stop myself from any more holidays and instead of surfing for air tickets and hotels, I'll be surfing on job site. Deal!

So I've 4 days to lose weight before Queensland, and I'm still not bleeding. Just tell me what can I do, people??!!!

I'm doing it people

2008-10-24T13:21:00.002+11:00

Okay, I know. I've gone missing and the ladies are making noise. All my time was spent with mum in the past three weeks when she visited. Not only I have no time to blog, I haven't been following the fellow bloggers' news either. Anyway, mum is gone now and I'm recuperating.

Yes, recuperating.

For three weeks I didn't get enough sleep. For three weeks my back was hurting from carrying our luggage in NZ after the fall. For three weeks I was taking mum to places and organizing dinners. I'm just not good at that, I was drop dead tired. Mum just seems to not need sleep - we went to bed at 2am, she gets up at 9; and when we went to bed at 5am, she still gets up at 9!

As I am so used to living by myself, I got woken up very easily when she's up. Man... I was a walking zombie for those three weeks. Coffee and alcohol were my vices to keep me alive. It was like mum was the young and energetic one, I was the old and lethargic one, -_-"

She's been gone for five days and I'm still recuperating. Regardless of how much sleep I get, I still feel like I haven't gotten enough. It's probably because I'm stopping coffee too as I've already had too much in that three weeks. So while I'm recovering, stay tuned!

Hello from Rotorua

2008-10-07T22:38:00.007+11:00

Greetings from Rotorua!

I've been so busy since mum got here early last week, I hardly slept on the first three nights when she was here. Convocation's over and now we're in Kiwiland. The trip has been good so far despite the rain these two days. It was especially inconvenient for us today as we were visiting caves to look at glow worms and cave formations, and to the Maori cultural show and dinner.

Brief updates on what we've done...

I hated Auckland. Well, 'hate' is a strong word but I really didn't enjoy my time there at all. It's a half-dead big city with no heart - that's how I would describe the place. Hamilton was very charming and lunch at Scotts Epicurean was by far the best meal I've had. The coffee was comparable to Melbourne too! Our cockpit accommodation in Woodlyn Park was one hell of an experience. Mum was really excited about it and so was I, although it wasn't as comfy as I wanted it to be. I'll defo stay in the ship accommodation if I visit again. Rotorua attracts tourists (I wouldn't say visitors) with their natural hot springs, volcanic sites, spa, cultural show, etc. I love the smell of sulpher as soon as I enter the region even with all windows up. It smells like fart but much nicer. We're going to the mud and sulpher spa tomorrow, whee...

Looking forward to the remaining few days of our trip, especially Wellington. I'm expecting a lot. I shall go get my beauty sleep, nite!

johnson & johnson's baby shampoo - no more tears!

2008-09-23T20:57:00.009+10:00

My back is fine. They said it was just bruise and soreness so I shouldn't be too worried. Good to know that this is not gonna stop me from wearing sky-high heels or doing my back and forward bends in yoga class.

My pain has actually gotten worse today. It hurt when I was sleeping and it was hard for me to get out of bed. I had difficulties breathing last night when I lied horizontally. Walking and standing up was actually the most comfortable position, weird! Anyway, as I was in pain this morning, I was asking myself if it'll be nice if there's someone at home making lunch for me and then clean up my place. No. In fact, I wish I won't have to see anyone and people won't think that I'm a wussy cause I can't take pain.

I'm sort of used to being by myself. Months ago I probably will be a cry baby sulking at home hoping that angels will send someone to baby me. Months ago I'll be too scared to do the jumps in the snow worrying that I might break an arm or a leg. Months ago if I fall off the horse I probably will be in tears and feeling too traumatized to get back on.

Today, I don't wish for anyone to baby me - I cook my own congee, clean my own dishes and swear at the pain by myself. Today, I'll jump as long as the ground isn't icy and hard and if I fall, I know I'll do better next time. And just on Saturday, I fell off the horse and I got back up straight away, I tried to tame that creature but to very little avail, I fell again and I got back up on another tamer horse this time. Not a single drop of tear but lotsa angst instead. I surprised myself.

Sometimes change can come really quickly without warning. Some weeks ago I was just crying because I fell in a club when I was drunk, didn't I? All those behaviour from the past just seem so stupid after you've improved. The process could be slow but doesn't mean there's no progression.

past the streets and I'm home

2008-09-23T20:00:00.004+10:00

It was nice and breezy, I took a short walk from the city back to home. The last time I walked home from the city had to be at least two years ago, I remember it was the spring festival. We partied till 10-ish in the morning at a friend's. All taxis were taken as people were going to the races. I had to walk home by no choice. I was still in my party clothes and smeared make-up. Honestly, I didn't look or feel very good being on the street ~~looking~~

feeling so trashy at that hour.

Tonight was totally the opposite. I only had half a glass of white and had decided to give dinner a miss. Not sure why but just wasn't up for it. Have I mentioned before that I love being tipsy? Everything just seems to be prettier, funnier and happier but we can't live life in delusion. Right, I heard you. I've decided to pull the plug before I officially turn into an alkie. Haven't been drinking since I got back from Mornington.

The walk home in the spring evening sans alcohol influence was actually very refreshing. I've walked past streets and bridges that I've so often driven on. Tonight I paid a little more attention to the lights, the tram lines and others. They seem to be the same but very different. I guess things do look a little different when I'm up standing than to sit in the car. I walked by the water below my place, observing every restaurant and realized they are actually doing quite well on a Tuesday evening.

Said hello to the Big Brothers at the chinese restaurant and they reminded me that the last time we drank together was end of 2006. Time has passed, we know that but have we grown? We've grown apart for sure, for better or worse. Then I was at the fish & chip shop lusting over some south Melbourne market's dimmies but I was a minute too late. A minute, can't people make an exception? Who is more brutal? Human or time?

I very often lose sense of time. That's probably because I haven't really need to take it seriously although I really want to. Then I ask myself... do you really wanna take life so seriously?

should be fine

2008-09-23T02:21:00.003+10:00

My friends lied to me. They said there are hot springs in Daylesford but no, they only have mineral springs. Looks like I've to make another trip to the Mornington with mum if she insists on going to to the hot springs.

My back is making me depressed. I have breathing difficulties while performing chores that requires me to bend my body, like loading my laundry into the washer or putting dishes into the dishwasher, crap! Daddy and Mummy K said I don't need a scan as long as there's no numbness in my legs or incontinence. I think I'm alright but going to the chiro is still on my to-do list.

Gonna go for a swim on Wednesday since I can't attend Bikram yoga. I need to be healthy, I need to lose my tummy, I must find my waist once again. Let's just hope it's not too cold for me to hit the pool...

my mum has FB!

2008-09-22T17:41:00.003+10:00

My mum has Facebook account and I'm munching on freeze dried strawberries coated in milk chocolate while my back is aching from my horse riding injuries. What is mum doing on Facebook? I've just added her but she doesn't seem to wanna approve me. Right, just WTF is happening? I can so imagine what's going in her head when she sees my 1500+ photos

a) My daughter's so fat, gross!
b) Why are all her friends lesbians, is she turning into one?
c) Does she has a drinking problem? Why does she look drunk all the time?
d) Does she has a gambling (PK) problem? Why is she playing cards all the time.

Most importantly, she'll find out that I fell off the horse twice and hurt my back. She hates it when I go skiing, bungee jumping or horse-riding. She has warned me many times that I'm not allowed to ride the horse. Obstinate as I always am, I did and because of my lack of experience, the temperamental horse and my bad luck, Charcoal went amok and I am (quite) badly injured. I'm saying that I can't lift weight, can't bend my upper body down and move both arms at the same time, cuts on left ear and sore left neck. I attempted to make an appointment with the Health Advisor this morning but the clinic isn't open. The competition was held in Chile and I'm unwilling to spend my money on second best. I hope I'll get an appointment when he returns, slim chance I know.

Looks like I'm not gonna do much this week, based on my bank account and my hurting back that hurts when I drive. On top of that, I'm in debts. Haven't paid for anything in Mornington on the weekend. Bought too many bottles of wines but how can I resist? Mum is so gonna faint when she sees them in my apartment next week. Have I mentioned she's into hot spring these days? I was telling her my hot spring experience in Mornington over the weekend and she's all hyped, she wants to go when she's here. I plan to take her to Daylesford, any suggestion on where to stay?

Oh dear, she's bugging me on MSN now because she doesn't know how to approve me as friend on FB. God, help me!

it's okay that I'm not okay

2008-09-05T12:17:00.006+10:00

If I tell you sometimes I can feel the presence of Dad, would you think I'm freaky?

Even if you do, it wouldn't change much of what I believe. Enough of doubting myself and wondering what my friends would think of me. There really are times when I know He's in the room with me. I can't see him, I can't hear him yet he is there, as though I can almost smell Him. This connection is real and I know He will never ever let me see him, not unless in my dreams. When I cry, He looks at me and asks me not to. He misses me too but He's moving on, He tells me that's life and I need to deal with this part of life where it sucks. He waits till I stop crying and He'll say his goodbye and good night.

Deisy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for not replying to your email. I have to say I'm in no position to make you feel better because I'm not feeling better either. I thought putting on my smile and chatty facade, keep the parties going, resume my normal life is the cure. Yes, they keep you busy and life never stops but the pain hasn't stopped. Whoever that says your pain would fade with time lied to us. It's true that you'll be too busy to think about it but there are times, a lot of times, the pain that we're suppressing would crawl their way back to your heart, following the flow of your blood to the tip of your fingers. It's been nine months and it's not fine. It's especially not fine when it's your graduation, when it's my birthday, his birthday or my niece's birthday. He will never be there with us ever again, not in a way where I can see him, hug him and lean my head against his shoulder. I pick up the phone but I can't call him again.

There's an episode in Grey's when George's dad died. Cristina talked about the Dead Dad's Club. She was right. You can only join this club when your dad has died. And no one understands what the pain is until you're in the club. So enough of "I know how you feel" and "you're being too harsh on yourself, you've gotta let go". Don't speak to me like this because you don't understand.

Deisy, so I'm not gonna lie to you and lead you to believe that you'll be okay soon. I'll be honest with you. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. One thing for sure is that life still goes on, we'll move on but the pain and the tears, they will be there for awhile. How long? I don't know and I don't wanna know. It's not a bad thing you know? Letting go isn't always the only way to live life. Take care and shoot me an email, I'm glad that you can share with me. I might not reply straight away but I will... xoxo

dinner was great, thank you

2008-09-05T00:52:00.005+10:00

If you remember, I used to cook for myself at home - not a lot but often enough. For some reason, I've stopped doing that since many many months ago. I'm talking about real food, real satisfying nutritional food here. When I do cook these days, it was just quick simple meal for one, nothing fancy, nothing too healthy. I don't remember when was the last time I put in effort to buy food and prepare a proper meal for myself.

Tonight, TY came over to murder my kitchen. Ha... she didn't kill anything actually. In fact, she cooked and she cleaned, even those that were unwashed before. She's a good woman, no wonder no man wants me, pffftt! Have I told you this woman can really cook? While she was making passionate love to my kitchen (like she said she was), I was getting pissed with some wines that I've gotten from the wineries recently. Both dinner and wines were absolutely divine.

You know what? I have been wanting to pop open these reds since Monday but according to house rules #1 I shall not drink by myself at home. I didn't break the rules although I was dying to. I was ecstatic the moment TY stepped foot in my apartment - license to drink at home, boooohoooo!!! Seriously, I think I've a drinking problem. Or maybe I can just blame it on the sight of these good shit sitting at home staring at me, luring me to drink them, aaarrrggghh!!! By the way, I've never stopped making soup twice a week. That's my remedy for saving my body and soul. Just had a bowl actually, and I'm finishing the bottle of shiraz from before. I'm not breaking any rules, I'm just finishing what we've started...

I've places to go

2008-09-03T16:46:00.006+10:00

It's over for me. Such great snow this season. Apparently it was better than NZ this year and I believe it's true. Ally came back from Queenstown saying that she felt cheated. I've definitely spent too much on the snow this year but heck... I've got my new boots and skis, how can I not make full use of them? So it's over for me, the weekend was my last trip for this season. Woke up on Monday feeling rather depressed. Why do I fall in love with such expensive sport? Well, in less than six months' time, we'll be racing down the slopes in Hakuba. That should inspire me to save, a lot and a lot of it.

Speaking of holiday, I've got a few lining up for me. Oh man, how am I gonna find a full time job when I've planned all these holiday till march next year? Mum is visiting for my graduation so we're spending some quality mum-daughter time in Melbourne and New Zealand. Just got the tickets today, flying in to Auckland, flying out from Wellington. Gonna do a road trip so I've a lot to plan - car rental, accommodation in different places along the way, places to see and eat. It's gonna be fun, I just wish Dad can be with us. I miss Him, I miss Him so much sometimes I can't breathe. I hope He's feeling the same too.

Anyway, before NZ, me and some friends have planned a weekend of debauchery in Mornington Peninsula. Horse riding, hot spring, wineries and stuffing our faces with good food are on the itinerary. We're actually discussing on which restaurant and winery we're going. Seriously, these are the only things we're good at, we're beyond help.

Moving along, as mentioned before, thanks to Air Asia, I'm able to attend Di's wedding in KL end of this year. She has planned the wedding more than a year ago and I know she really wants me to be there. I'm glad I can make it. So this year I'm back in KL three times, just like last year. I miss my little angel so much. She's growing so quickly, I couldn't stop looking at her photos on Facebook. Mum told me that she's becoming really mischievous too, that little marshmallow!

Now... looking at my skis leaning against my wall makes me wanna hit the slopes. I miss Imagination, Twilight and...dim sims at snake gully hut. Does it make you want something more eagerly just because you know you can't have it? Does it?

man, I really can sleep

2008-08-27T00:40:00.001+10:00

Air Asia is amazing! I got my KL-Melb-KL-Melb (three ways) tickets for less than RM1900. Now they are giving out free tickets and Melbourne is on the list. My darling Eleana is visiting in June and Likai is coming again in July, woot! My darling will be around for Queen's Birthday, that means I'm taking her to the rave. Oh my god, I just cannot wait! Meanwhile, Adrian is in town and we might miss each other. I'm feeling so lazy I just wanna stay in and I'll be in the snow early Thursday so...

Last weekend was mad arse (again). I was sick but I had to go snow gear shopping with TY before attending Small A's birthday dinner in Prahran. I was tipsy before dinner from merely half a bottle of Sav Blanc at home. I get drunk very easily when I'm sick, hungry and tired. By time we finished dinner and got to Watermark, I was already happy drunk. Nothing dramatic this time, no falling over but one of the DJs, I don't wanna name name here wanted a quickie with me in his car, pffftt! I'm not kidding. For your information, he has a girlfriend that he claims to be very much in love with on his Facebook yet he has the guts to ask me to do that with him. Do all men have problem keeping their members in their pants?

Later that night, we ended up at Pat's for supper and cards. That's when I lost my voice totally. TY was elated because she said I can finally stop talking and not give her a headache, oh well... I survived Saturday with a massive hangover and a chockablock schedule starting from 10.30am. So I decided to keep drinking to stop my hangover. That always works but not before 2am, imagine how much pain I had to sit through that night?

Came Sunday and it was the most painful day because I was sick like a dog. My head was so congested with that throbbing headache. I slept for more than 21 hours that day until Monday morning. I don't believe in medication as many of you know so herbal tea, supplements, heaps of water and rest were my only path to recovery and I'm all well now. In fact, I had a big night yesterday with more than 20 shots of wet pussies/ski buddies on top of beer, wine and vodka. Don't even ask what I did after all those drinks, just too funny but for the record, I did not drive.

A good friend from KL, Mandy, was telling me she has been reading my blog. She's a little concern and wanted me to take care of myself. Before our chat ended, she said "have a good Friday and relaxing weekend". All right, my weekend was no where near relaxing.

you ain't Carrie or Meredith

2008-08-20T18:34:00.005+10:00

What has modern television done to my fellow girl friends?

I've some girl friends around me who are so absorbed with their favourite TV series they related themselves (and sometimes their men) to the characters of these shows. Some imitate these characters and some believed they'll live the life of these fictional superstars. Let's stick with the screen names now.

Carrie has been seeing Big for more than a year now. Carrie is obsessively, deeply in love with Big. Big can be such a sweetheart to Carrie but a bastard at the same time. He would wine her, dine her, cook for her, take her to places but go missing on her for days before he resurface from the poison sea. Big refused to be in a relationship with Carrie, after countless attempts from the lady to secure a relationship. However, Carrie believes, like in the movie, Big will finally realizes that 'she's the one' after six years and will finally marries her ten years down the road.

Meredith comes from a broken family with quite f*cked up parents. She thought life would be sweeter when Derek waltzes into her life but no - he has a wife who he decided to pick over Meredith. Meredith is still hung up on Derek for the longest time and slept with several people who she shouldn't have for comfort. It came to a point where she made a decision to be a celibate and came up with her own period of celibacy. During that period, she met the sexy Finn, who she made him wait before they can have sex. The story goes on but my point is - people who constantly needs to come out with these resolution/plan are losers who have problem ironing their life. And I'm not saying that I'm superior, I'm a loser at many times - I have my resolutions, plans and restriction on myself too, which I failed mostly.

So Carrie and Meredith really do exist in my life. They think they are Carrie and Meredith and they probably idolize them or at least think they've similarity. Anyway, before I start rambling away, my point of this entry is...

I despise Big! Not the television character but my real life girl friend's Big. I regret bringing Big into Carrie's life. I don't think Carrie deserves to be treated this way - she deserves to be in a relationship with someone who cares enough to be in one with her. Do you really think Big will change with time? Is it worth the wait? I personally don't think so. She says she knows she shouldn't be wasting anymore time on him but her action shows otherwise. As her good friend, I've given my advice but if she persists on chasing, all I can do is to listen, wish her good luck and be her safety net for her to fall back. Sigh... this girl is tough let me tell you, she falls and she climbs onto the same path almost immediately.

Big has lost all his respect from me. I hate liars and I cannot stand people who are pretentious and let me tell you - he is freaking pretentious. No doubt he's always nice to people around him including myself but he can go get f*cked and be another Jesus. It annoys me when he tries so hard to be nice to everyone. Okay, to be fair, he can be really nice and helpful to others, almost everyone except for Carrie. That one thing that he did to her is enough to get him in my bad book. On one hand, I wish that he'll soon cave and give relationship a go to end Carrie's misery; on the other hand, I wish she'll wake up one day and sees the light, understanding that he's no good for herl, that she shall stop wasting her time and put herself out there to find true love.

Pffftt! I've fallen sick with a fever and sore throat. Maybe that's why I'm angry and emotional but seriously, I really think my friends should stop thinking that they can live the life of the silver screen stars. Watch them, get addicted like myself and live your own life. Walk out of it, or like I always believe, RUN! Oh well, that's my two cents worth. This is probably meaningless to many of you and I shall just jump in bed and sleep the fever off.

blackout and shivering

2008-08-19T15:19:00.005+10:00

I think the doctor thought I was abused. Or maybe I was just being paranoid. I went for pre-permanent residency application health check and I had to stripped down to my bra and g-string. The doctor saw my many bruises including the left knee one that looks worse than yesterday now. She asked me what happened, I said I fell on the street while running to my car under the rain. She gave me a look and asked me other questions that got me paranoid. How embarrassing?!

As much as I'm elated that I'm bleeding, that has caused me to have to make another trip back to the health service centre. I need to retake my urine test because I'm having my menses. That means my results would be delayed another 10 days too, great! Just what a last minute person like me needs.

In fact, my appointment was supposed to be on last Wednesday but something bad happened. I couldn't believe how unlucky things can strike me at my most desperate times. My appointment was at quarter to nine, I got up at half past seven. Came out of shower drying myself and... pop! Black out. Entire building. No heater. No lights. No hot drinks to warm myself up. Obviously I couldn't take the elevator to the car park. There's the staircase but... what if I can't beep myself out with my security key (I wasn't sure if it's electrical), I'll be stuck in that staircase right? Right, if I'm lucky enough to get to my car park, how can I get my car out of the garage - electrical door, yes!

I looked at my receipt, it says I can't change my appointment with less than 24 hours notice or money will be forfeited ($270 okay?). I can't find my building manger's mobile because I've changed a new phone and was telling myself if I need him, his number's always in the lift. I couldn't get on the Internet because I just remembered I need the power for the modem. I couldn't decide if I should call the Neighbour although I fully understood that he's no superman and he cannot carry me and fly me out of here. And for those of you who know where I live, you know my apartment isn't some falling apart old shitty place, pffftt! So I was calling June to swear my lungs out, venting my rage on how this can happen to me, that I was naked, wet and cold and I've been living here for almost four years this had never happened, blah blah blah...

I had no choice but to call HSA, I explained to the phone operator my situation and she rescheduled my appointment for me for free. What a relieve. And as soon as I've done that, the power came back. So much for getting up early but my day didn't go to waste. Had a great day with the visitor, piled on a few kilos from eating and took lotsa photos playing tourists.

So that's my story. By the way, my detox program is going down the drain in 30 minutes' time. It's a friend's belated birthday dinner and I cannot have good food without good wines to go with and since I'm gonna do it, I shall do it right. Pre-dinner drinks and cheese in 30 mins, woot!

that's my bruised left knee

2008-08-18T14:05:00.005+10:00

This is one of the many bruises I've gotten myself on Saturday night. Trust me, they hurt bad especially those two on my elbows. Couldn't even rest my arms on the table last night when playing cards. I was warned by Violet to stop doing stupid things to myself when I'm drunk, one fine day I'll injure myself bad. She's right. So I shall stop drinking and head home after the 15th drink mark, and stay away from my fellow alcoholic friends. Alright, I know that'll take some time before it happens so to set a more achievable goal, I'll let my liver rest from today till Thursday 5pm.

On another note, I realized I'm not very much of a baby-person besides for my own niece. Mira and Frank brought little Lawrence to Milyn's dinner and most of the night, every one was ooohhh-ing and aaahhh-ing over the baby and was fighting for his attention... except for me! I was more interested in my food, wines and cocktails. I told Jev and Rika, "I think I'm not very much into babies, I have no slightest interest." Jev said, "yeah, that's pretty obvious, we all noticed." Damn... Speaking of baby, the one and only that I'm keen on, is getting cuter and cuter. Saw her photos on my sis-in-law's FB, she had her first bikini and you know what her family (my family indeed) did? They had the blowup swimming pool IN OUR KITCHEN! WTF right? I guess I know what they were thinking - the little angel might catch a cold in the garden. Fine, that's my family for you. Moving along, I'm really happy that I finally got my period. Well, really happy is an understatement. Don't even think of anything maternity, absolutely nothing to do with that. I was just very sick and tired of my PMS. I had really bad skin, felt extremely bloated and looked three months pregnant (TY said that, really). Seriously, you know you've true friends who love and care about you when they can tell you the truth at any time, instead of some "no, you look fine, you look great bullshit". And I was eating like an eating machine *roll eyes* June and Likai witnessed my bottomless stomach eating behaviour on Wednesday. Every two hours or less I'll be stuffing my face and we're talking about real food, not chips or snacks and you know what was worse? I knew I had eaten enough after each meal yet I didn't feel full! Not until our very last meal at Little Lamb's all-you-can-eat szechuan hotpot. So yes, yes and yes, I'm bleeding and have lost 50% of my appetite. My skin shall get back to normal by tomorrow's evening.

I'm very tempted to pop open a bottle of my favourite Innocent Bystander's Moscato to celebrate...

diary of an alcoholic

2008-08-17T18:10:00.004+10:00

I got drunk last night. No shit, that's something new.

Excuse me but we started drinking since 11-ish in the morning. The royal we, namely Likai, Des and myself. We went to the wineries in Yarra Valley for lunch, some wine tasting and of course to replenish our supplies at home. Des and I got too excited and we ended up spending too much and came home with a car boot full of wines. I told myself it wouldn't be a waste of money spending on anything that you can eat and drink, especially good wines. June was the best winery tour designated driver on earth - absolute self-control and responsible. I don't think we would've enjoyed ourselves so much and went all out without her.Anyway, back to my drunk story. Yesterday was also Milyn's belated birthday celebration at Comme. I tried my best getting myself dolled up for the dinner after the wineries. I swear I was feeling woozy when I was applying my make-up but I assumed I look okay because no one said anything about my face last night, or maybe it was just too dark. I got to Comme and I resumed drinking once I sat down. We had a lot to drink, reds, whites and cocktails. Fast forward a couple of hours, we were having cocktails at Society. We were getting pretty messy-drunk at the bar, I tripped once when I was going down the steps to the bathroom. Surprise, surprise - I remember most of the night!

God knows what happened, we ended up at Boulevard. That's when my drama happened. I was so drunk that I didn't realize I was in a club for some reason. At one point I put my head down, closed my eyes and let myself fall. I fell of course, badly on the floor. Don't ask me why I did that, I just wanted it to happen and yes, it's f*cking stupid. I was in so much pain I started crying like a kid. In my head I wanted to go home to Daddy but obviously there's no more Daddy for me, then I got even more emotional, cried even harder, yada, yada, yada... I came home with mascara run and a very badly bruised left knee and elbows. So painful that I got woken up several times. Sigh... feel so bad for creating such ridiculous drama and everyone had to leave the club early cause I wanted to go home.

So I woke up this morning, discovering more injuries than last night. Feeling rather tired from the bad sleep - passed out from intoxication rather than deep sleep. Once again, I'm very surprised yet delighted that I wasn't hungover. When I get one, they're usually very bad so I solemnly wish that I can stay away from any. You probably would tell me not to drink so much to avoid hangovers. I believe the only way to avoid hangovers is to stay drunk.

Cheers folks!

dim sims or bad coffee no more

2008-08-11T20:39:00.003+10:00

I love dim sims despite they're made from some not very healthy offal. Although I don't take any offal, but dim sims just taste so good, especially the South Melbourne market ones. Some say they are too salty, I say they are absolutely delicious. I had four to myself on the way to Bright on Friday evening when none of the others in the car was interested. Had more dim sims at lunch on both Saturday and Sunday, and got myself more in Myrtleford while driving us back. I had about 10 dim sims in 48 hours, gross! So I've to get off it for some time, it's unhealthy and it's... just gross! Perhaps dim sims can be my ski-food - I have them only when I'm on ski trips. Or maybe I can have a few when I see shops that sells the South Melbourne ones. Or when I walk past any hot food shops and feel like one.

Bad coffee is another thing that I absolutely loathe. I was stuck with bad coffee on the weekend in the country and up the snow. Sigh... it's really sad when you're given one that burns your tongue, too bitter or too milky when you're dying for one. It got worst at Snake Gully Hut where they don't do soy or skinny. Fine, but give me one that taste like coffee and not milk. Anyway, I need to be coffee-free for at least a week. I suspect I sort of 'need' it now, instead of 'want' it. I'm not a morning person, never have been. I get especially snappy and cranky these days without caffeine in the morning, not good at all. I don't like substances to take control of my body. I have them because I can, not because I need.

Staying in for once, after many many evening outs. Being home having dinner in front of the TV was a total bliss. I said no to after work drinks with Keat, and said no to Pat/Violet for dinner. I'm just having one of those mood swings that comes and goes without a reason. Not upset with anyone in particular, I just wanna be by myself, not having to speak with anyone. Eat in my PJs and not having to bother if my hair looks nice. I've been wanting to stay home for a long time, just since when staying at home is a plan while going out has become a regimen? I wanted to whip something up in the kitchen but realized I've nothing in the freezer except for chicken drumstick and carcass for making soup. I had takeaway from Dainty's instead. Ordered enough to feed four but I couldn't miss on any of my favourite dishes. So I've got eight boxes of food sitting in my fridge while I've dinner plans up until Monday.

I am also thinking of popping a bottle of vino that I've gotten from the Gapsted winery yesterday on our way back to Melbourne. I don't drink by myself at home, that's my house rule but I'm really excited about the 2006 Petit Manseng *slurp* Probably not a good idea knowing that I've to be up by half past 7 tomorrow. I'm still thinking, thinking, thinking...

I've lost it

2008-08-07T23:40:00.003+10:00

I don't know whether it's the weather, or like he said, I've been going through a lot of emotional stress from 'the fine' that I've gotten last Monday - I'm feeling constantly tired. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, how am I gonna get around? How much money am I willing to spend on cab? How long can I sustain this Monday to Thursday just do it in the day shit? I hate it when it's inconvenient. I like convenience, it's not the best thing for one to progress but convenience has been working well for me.

Finally got myself to look for jobs online today. That's this whole galore of jobs out there, mostly managerial roles that I can't handle. Then there are these beginner roles with job descriptions that I can't seem to fit. So I was speaking with friends and realized they all felt the same when they first started. So I shall just worry if I can perform only after they hire me.

I've been on holiday for six weeks now, I feel like I can't breathe. No, I'm not talking about asthma attack or anything bronchial. I have all these friends to see, and places to be and sometimes I feel like I've not seen my friends for a long time. Like I've not seen Violet for more than a week and I've not seen Diana for a long time. Every evening when Curry Jo calls, I'll be out and busy. Every time when I find time to call mum, it's either too late, or it's dinner time for her. I've not spoken to Eleana since I came back, no chance at all.

Speaking of productivity, I've helped achieved something really important last week - being with Sasha while picking 'the' dress. Yes, yes, yes, my crazy bitch is engaged! Venue is booked and she had picked 'the' dress. She looked absolutely stunning in that dress. We knew it was the one when she stepped out of the changing room. It gives you the 'wow' effect. I can imagine she'll look even more beautiful when the real dress comes in in six months' time because it'll be tailored to her size. Now that the globe is spinning quicker and the sun rises and sets faster than last decade, that day will arrive in no time.

Jo has left Melbourne for indefinitely. Apparently I was so sloshed on Friday night, I was saying things like "I love you, you're my truest friend, can't believe you're leaving, we've a past together, I love you..." in the car. I don't remember but I'm not at all surprise I said that. I love Jo and she really is my true friend and yes, we've a past together and we got through it together. We're also graduating together. I was very busy before she left, I hardly had time for her, I feel like I'm the worst friend ever. Somehow we got to party a couple of times, and we had dinner on the night before she left. I'll see her in Singapore very soon. Globe is spinning in full speed!

I remember Adrian is coming to visit this month but I don't remember the date. Why do people like to visit Melbourne so much? Because it's 'cheap'? Or because there's 'so much' to see here? Alright, I'm starting to sound like I'm complaining. No, I'm happy for all of you guys to visit but I just can't understand. It seems like we ( either myself or my friends) get visitor every month, if not every two weeks. Especially Jevon, his friends are always visiting from Singapore. Now Likai is in town, then Adrian, then mum, and who else? Not to forget Pat's friends, TY's friends. Is Melbourne really that exciting? Don't get me wrong, I love it here. Okay, enough of that before my friends start changing their mind on visiting.

On another note, I've washed, dried and put on my new sheets. 500 egytian, absolutely divine. I love my sheets to be white or red (or family of red). Red is my favourite colour, it's uplifting, it matches my couch, my DVD boxes, my teapot, my new pots and pans, my car and at most times, my nails. White is refreshing, it's clean, pure, it's inviting and calming. White is on now although it's a little too summery for this rainy dark winter. I've something about buying sheets yet I've problem with getting rid of them. I don't use a lot of the old ones now but they are good stuff. I'm a hogger when it comes to sheets but I'm fine with selling my clothes. I don't understand myself sometimes.

Enough of rambling, going to watch some DVD and sleep since I can't get a massage at this time of the night. Strangely, I feel like getting one.

what if I was wrong?

2008-08-07T17:00:00.004+10:00

I'm a person who's constantly need to be in the know. I believe knowing is better than wondering although one might say "just how sure are you of what you know is the truth?". Well, the truth is your perception of a fraction of reality that you choose to believe, I guess. At least I've known of someone, or maybe a couple of them, who is lost in their own truth because lying is part of their reality of life. I don't know if that's normal but I feel sorry for them, that makes one feeling constantly confused.

The little me in this big world gets confused from time to time too, because some people can be really deceitful. There are also times where I judge too quickly missing the opportunity of getting to know a person sans skepticism. You put them into categories and draw your line making sure you don't allow them to cross it, all in the name we called rule of the game. But I call it self-protection. And these are the times that make me wonder - did I judge too quickly? Is it too late to reverse the situation?

So knowing is better than wondering. When I say knowing, I don't mean finding out the truth but getting rid of the 'perhaps'. Knowing that I can, that I'm capable, that I can achieve. Like a wise friend said to me before... it's better to do it and regret, than to regret not doing it.

Likai's in Melbourne!

2008-08-06T19:14:00.002+10:00

Likai and I had four bottles of wine last night. We weren't that drunk to be honest. We were pretty tipsy after the two bottles of white before dinner. We were surprisingly okay after another two bottles of red at my place. Our promise of stopping after one was broken. The Chamber Rosewood red was divine. Candyman got it for me and I've never heard of this name before. Maybe you don't get drunk so easily on good wine?

We woke up feeling tired and sluggish. Took her to Footscray for some authentic Vietnamese pho before heading north to DFO Essendon. We were 'sort of' hungover - I wasn't sure if I was caffeine-deprived or it was the after effect of last night's alcohol but coffee definitely saved us. Both of us were chatty again once the caffeine kicked in.

I spent too much again but I excuse myself because I mainly spent on home wares. Got some tumblers and wine glasses to replenish those that I've broken when I was drunk. Got new sheets again and some baby clothes for my ~~daughter~~ niece. I really need to stay in to not spending money and one thing that I HAVE to achieve before Hotham this weekend - register myself with all job site!

let's get another drink?

2008-08-04T03:20:00.004+10:00

So some of my friends were saying at our age, opss... more like at their age, we should be slowing down when it comes to drinking, partying, getting drunk or falling all over the place. Looks like it's the other way round for us. I don't believe in that anyway. Keat says it's time for her to slow down yet she's behaving otherwise. We were telling her to go volunteer in some third world countries, she said she's not interested. So Violet asked her what she's interested in? "Home session" was her answer, -_-"

It was Beckie's belated birthday dinner and 'let's get retarded' party on Friday but all of us thought it was our birthday. So we ate like it was our birthday, drank like it was our birthday and fell like it was our birthday. Ally and I did anyway, cool stuff.

We handled the sake and wine at dinner well. We were chasing for more alcohol at Watermark at first. What happened later was a blur, or cannot be recalled. I knew I was talking to ah-neh Turkish DJ. I knew all my friends were with me. I knew I had cognac, whisky, vodka, Jaegar bombs, and more unidentified alcohol. I knew I danced all night. I knew we took photos. I knew we were texting each other. Then I don't remember how we adjourned to Seven. I don't remember what I drank there, and I don't remember what games we were playing with Ben. But I remember he pushed us gently, Ally and I fell hard on the dance floor. We thought it was very funny, really. So she hurt her ankle, I hurt my knee, same spot as my ski injury.

Came home at 7-ish in the morning after a nap at Ben's. We could've partied on I believe. Ally said she couldn't remember anything about the fall. "No more alcohol" was what she said but that's what we say on most weekend, don't we? Beckie was worse, she couldn't remember going to Seven, her memory was Lavish striaght to Ben's. Absinthe does that to me!

The alcoholic in me didn't get put off by alcohol though. So I went for round two on Saturday night. This time the mix was wine, vodka, soju, korean choya and don't-remember-what-else-I-put-in-my-mouth-anymore. I reckoned I drank almost 1.5 bottles of soju cause I was late and everyone else was drunk, they didn't wanna drink and I was eager to get drunk, hurhurhur... I don't remember how I ended up saying yes to Boulevard. I don't know how Becks ended up getting me from the city and I was making a big fuss on how she had to get me right from the doorstep. I don't remember what I did in the club at all, or what I've drank. But I remember not able to get a taxi, and I got lost in Crown, and I ended up at the Promenade, and found a taxi on the street. I also know that this morning when I got up to pee, my head was still spinning.

So I've been going back to my two-nights-straight partying shit. Why not? It's always good fun. Who knows when my friends wanna 'slow down' and stop getting retarded with me.

Sam will be fine

2008-07-30T01:16:00.004+10:00

I was an idiot and I've no one to blame. It was all my fault. I pressed hard on the accelerator and I was flying. Thank God all of us are home safely. Thank God I didn't drink. It was a punishment that I deserve and I'll learn from my lesson.

I'm home from Hotham. Good weekend, very good weekend with good snow. I've started doing the black runs and I'm liking it. Didn't really fall except for a bad one when I was half asleep in the morning. Foggy weather and I was just waking up, went off a small little cliff, landed on rock hard icy foot path of someone's apartment. That's my only real fall on the weekend. When I got back in the evening, there was blood on my right knee even though I had thermal pants and ski pants on, pfftt!

TY was the best travel companion when it comes to food. It was so nice of her to make us hotpot. Hotpot in our room when it was minus 4 outside was awesome. We saved a lot of money on shit food on the mountain too. Gave Tsubo a try though, Jap fusion - it was only okay, I don't plan to return but if I have to, I won't say no. What am I talking about?

I'm speaking air, I'm tired. Tired from many things and from the weekend. If I've a choice right now, I would cancel all my plans this week and just hibernate at home. I just wanna do nothing and see no one but I know I can't. One of my very good friend is going through a very tough time, I wanna be with this person. Let's call this person Sam in this entry, only in this entry! I want Sam to know that he/she will be okay, that he/she will be able to get on to 'the other side', as a friend said today. Sam is a strong person, much tougher and wiser than me so if I can get on the other side, Sam will be able to do it. Bear in mind that my issue was nothing compared to Sam's issue right now but there's always two sides of a coin - the good and the bad. Something bad had happened but there's always a good side to it. So I need to be with Sam whenever possible because being alone isn't the best thing for Sam right now. I've faith in Sam.

What had happened is finally sipping into me. What a disastrous weekend for the both of us. Sigh... enough of being a sookie today, I shall just go to bed. Good snow people!

I'd rather be writing

2008-07-25T01:57:00.005+10:00

I went shopping yesterday, that’s before Yummy Mummy gave me that ‘emergency’ call. The domestic goddess in me was shopping for a pot. I’ve burnt one few nights ago while attempting to make cream of sweet corn and chicken soup. Arrrgghh… I was just so dumb. So instead of spending more money on clothes which absolutely doesn’t make sense cause I’ve to get rid four big bags of them, some of which the labels are still attached, I spent my money on kitchen utensils. There was this set of red pots and pans with a 50% price slash. Red – my favourite colour! Called Pat to ask if the brand’s okay to buy and if they are worth that price, she gave me the green light and she asked me, don’t you know all these? No, my mum bought most of the things in my kitchen. Then while waiting for Yummy Mummy to get into the city, I splurged on that GHD limited edition styler. It’s a straightener/styler so a friend asked me why do I need a hair straightener when my hair’s straight now. Because… I don’t know. I’m just an idiot for anything beautiful and that little thing in white is just so tempting. So I justified my purchase by saying I needed it to curl my hair. Then I realized, I don’t know how! I’ve never had these gadgets. I hate spending time doing anything to my hair, I don’t even blow dry my hair in winter. Oh man, I’m just so freaking stupid! Just like those MAC fake lashes that I’ve bought 6 months ago, half a dozen of them, I’ve never learnt to put them on. But since I’ve spent so much money on this thing, I’m determined to learn. Next week when I return from the snow, I’m gonna start using it.I’m so tired today. Basically got no sleep from last night and been out all day. Having an early start can be really productive. I got TY from the airport, had breakfast, went grocery shopping with her, dropped her home, collected my MIFF season pass, got my brazilian wax, coffee with June, more grocery shopping, quick catch up with Jev and John, posted an entry before heading out for dinner with the usual suspects, drinks and home. Very happy with what I’ve done but what about cleaning up and looking for a job?? My place is kinda gross but I’m sleepy night. So good night peeps, will try to get up early to clean tomorrow.

Opss... I did it again!

2008-07-24T16:58:00.002+10:00

While I was walking aimlessly at Myer last night, I got an 'emergency' call from Yummy Mummy telling me that she needed a drink. Why not? So we went to Cookie, had a bottle of the cheapest Malborough Sauv Blanc and we were two happy women. The woman had withdrawal syndrome and needed to drink. I absolutely understand what she meant although I've not experienced that for a long time - I've been drinking quite regularly.

Alright, so we had a good time catching up. It was the first one-on-one for us since I came back from my recent trip. There were a lot for us to talk about. About her work, my work; her men, my men; her boss, my boss; our friends; our future; handbags and everything else that we could think of. We were enjoying each others and the wine's company so much, we forgot that we hadn't eaten. So we finished the first bottle and as usual, I ~~needed~~ wanted more. We ordered the second bottle and we finished it. It was still not enough for me but Yummy Mummy said she's drunk but I insisted, we ordered another two glasses instead, which was such a bad idea.

We finished the two glasses, stood up to leave. I was surprised that I felt drunk. For the record, I usually do more than 2.5 bottles among two people. I didn't remember that we were drinking on empty stomach but that's besides that point. Anyway, as we were leaving the bar, these two guys stopped us and talked to us. Oh well, you know, when you're drunk, everyone's your friend (sometimes even when I'm sober =_=" ). Mummy seemed to be very interested in the man, as for mine, I don't remember what we spoke about at all. I can vaguely remember he bought me a glass of wine, I had some of it and realized it's not a good idea that I keep drinking. So I pulled Mummy aside and asked her if she was gonna go home with his guy, she said she doesn't mind. I told everyone that I was going to the loo and I'll be back. I left.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, don't follow suit. Don't you ever dare to drink and drive. I did the wrong thing. I shouldn't have driven at all. So I drove myself home not knowing how I managed to. Very dangerous I must say. I swear I will not do that again. By the way, before I went home, in my state of drunk, I had chilli chicken takeaway. Not bad for a drunkard huh?!

Whatever that happened when I got home was very vague. All I could recall was speaking to Mummy on the phone, she didn't end up going home with her guy, but throwing up at the side of the road instead. The guy, Mark I think, called to check on me. Obviously I gave out my number without realizing it, hmm... but that's okay, it's just my mobile, I can always screen calls. The next thing I know, I woke up at 4-ish feeling really sick. I threw up and it was disgustingly spicy. I didn't remember that I had eaten. I went to the kitchen to get the best chilli reliever - aloe vera juice, and saw used plates in the sink and chicken bones in the bin, no shit.

Then I was in bed, tossing and turning, couldn't fall back to deep sleep. Decided to get up at quarter past six for a shower and got ready to get TY from the airport. Oh yes, my part time lesbian lover is back. I swear I was still feeling drunk this morning. I was pretty sure if I got pulled over by booze bus, I'll have to kiss my drivers license goodbye. Or at least I'll get a fine.

I was also really worried about Mummy. Was she okay? Did she get home safe? Any booze bus? I felt so bad for leaving her with two strangers. Shite, I'm turning into Patrick, leaving without saying goodbye. Found out later in the day that she got home safely, leaving her phone in the car hence didn't pick up my calls. She went in to work late as she couldn't get out of bed. Then she was saying "my guy was quite hot right? I thought he was quite hot..."

"Mummy, I couldn't tell, I was blind-drunk!" was my answer.

And I was telling John that it's been a long time that I have these totally sloshed midweek thingy before I paused for a few seconds. That wasn't true - it's been the same in the last four weeks. Damn, the alcohol is killing my brain cells, I don't remember things. I thought this week without Alice and Becks would do my liver good but no, it was worse. I was plastered both Friday and Saturday too.

Some things are never gonna change. Maybe one day but yesterday was definitely not that day.

Gotta shower and get ready for dinner and drinks again. I'm so tired it's not funny but TY leaves me with no option. That demanding bitch!

bumming within the junks

2008-07-22T23:01:00.004+10:00

My suitcase, Lime Green, is widely opened sitting in the living room, it's been lying there with my new summer clothes in it since I came back a month ago. Another mini red one is also widely opened lying next to it, with my travel toiletries and a bottle of vodka in it. These were from Buller last weekend. There are at least six handbags lying around, on the dining table (that I don't use), side table, study chair and on the floor. There are shopping bags that are unopened, which makes me wonder, why did I purchase when they don't excite me enough to unwrap when I got home? Then there are my laptop case, four big bags of clothes to sell, shoes in boxes that my shoes storage can't take anymore, and a big paper bag from the previous trip. Not to mention the bills that keeps coming in, and shoes that I use and didn't bother to put them back into their boxes.

All these, all these annoying shit sitting in my tiny little apartment. I'm determined to tidy up tonight. No clean living room, no sleep.

Also, I don't spend enough evenings at home. I've a fridge full of food that I don't get to cook. I've been out every single night. The last time I cooked was... I can't remember. Had to be at least two weeks ago. What happened to "I'm broke, I need to eat in"? And I've all these plans till next Sunday - dinners and more dinners, exhibition launch, Hotham, farewell, welcome, wedding dress shopping, even lunches are pretty much taken till end of next week. So a bummer like me is so-called very busy, how do working people make it? I miss this little pumpkin so much, I wanna pinch her cheeks!

it's been a long time since...

2008-07-20T04:14:00.003+10:00

I know we're having a good time when we take a lot of silly photos with half-closed eyes; or when we totally forget about the camera. Tonight was the latter. Two nights in a row, it can only get better.

PMS Friday

2008-07-19T05:35:00.003+10:00

I did all the wrong things tonight: hissy fit, unreasonable complaints, physical erm...

My friends were there for the rightest reason: dance, laugh, hugs, etc.

Blame it on the PMS that I'll never let it out on my friends, opsss... weird huh? After all, friends have the upper hand.

I hope it'll all get better, much better.

Big love, big hugs, big kisses from Lucky Lynn

Lose-lose?

2008-07-17T14:23:00.003+10:00

Dad once told me there's no winner or loser in a marriage, it would either be two winners or two losers.

That was kinda unusual coming from Him, I didn't take him seriously then. For some strange reason, I thought about it last night before I fell asleep. What about relationships? Can one really win? Is the one who initiates the breakup and moves on first the winner? Is the person who comes back begging and crying for another chance the loser? Is cheater always happier because there's always someone in his/her arms? Should the one being cheated feels happy because he/she sees the light?

no more hire

2008-07-16T01:22:00.007+10:00

I wanna say Thank You to these good friends of mine who got me my very comfortable ski boots...
Alice, Big B & Small A, Kiwi, Babyface, Kum Den, Evonne, Jevon, Joanne of the Twins, John, Pat, Sugar Sugar and Lao-sai.

Also lotsa thanks and kisses to Candyman who recently gotten me the new skis, they are absolutely divine... I spent the weekend in Buller testing my new gear and they are good stuff. This was my first time skiing in Buller but according to my friends, the snow was pretty good for mid July. I thought it was okay but the first two days were so foggy that I couldn't see anything. Visibility was so low I didn't know where I was skiing towards, I couldn't tell the speed that I was going at and whether I was moving or halted. It took me two days to get used to my new skis especially not skiing for almost a year. My legs were so weak from lack of exercise, I could hardly ski parallel. Because of its length, it takes a lot more effort for me to make sharp turns too. Bikram yoga is all I need in these two weeks before my next trip.

I love the snow despite it makes me ridiculously broke. I've bought my ticket to Japan. Snow, food, sake and shopping, I'm coming!!!

everyone has gotten married...

2008-07-15T12:30:00.006+10:00

Last week I bumped into an old friend who is now married with a daughter. He was like a brother to me before we lost touch. We stopped hanging out when his business got busier, after he got married, and after I stood him up twice for dinner and his baby's full moon party.

So we had a quick chat and the topic of Diced Chicken came up. I was told that he's married overseas. Diced Chicken is married! The one I met four years ago, the one who was there for me when I broke up with Mr Confused, the one who flew to KL to see me for five days because he missed me, the one who bought me a Prada handbag that I've never used, the one who nearly fought with Stingy King at the club, the one that I didn't like enough to take him as my boyfriend.

Time does fly by too quickly. I'm happy for him but was a little shocked that he's married so quickly. Actually, 3 years isn't a short time, not at all. And then it reminded me that a few of my ex-boyfriends are married, like Darlie Star and Always Yes. Am I that bad that anyone would settle for anything alive and kicking after being with me, the girlfriend from hell?

Back to Diced Chicken. What is there not to like about him? He's successful, he's highly intelligent, he has the money, has the look (this really depends on individual preference) and almost everything that a woman can ask for but there's something that I didn't like about him. This little ridiculous something that stopped me from going out with him.

I was telling some friends and they said the bride could've been me. I had received the same comments about other men that had crossed path with me in the past. So I asked myself - do I really wanna be the bride?

Answer is no. Not with these men. If we were meant to end up together, we wouldn't have broken up or in Diced Chicken's case, not be together. It's just stupid passing comments like 'if you didn't do this/that/xyz, you would've married abc/loser and started a family'. WTF!?

Everything happens for a reason and we didn't break up because we had nothing better to do in life. Whether I dumped or got dumped, it was for a good reason I believe. No doubt I was heart broken at many times especially when I wasn't the one who initiated the breakup but in hindsight, they made the right decision. During heartbreak, many of us tell ourselves that breaking up isn't the best thing to do, that we might not find someone better than the liar/efg/dog. Based on my very little experience, chances are that there's always someone better out there waiting to meet us.

I'm not saying that I will never get back with the men from my past, never say never right? But it's very unlikely that I would, unless it is for a valid and very good reason that could convince my head. I mean, what the f*ck for? I've put up with enough pain during the breakup and have moved on with life, why go back to some old canned food when I can get fresh gourmet ones around the corner?

That's why when I'm asked 'if I've got another chance with Diced Chicken, would I take him?', the answer is still a 'no'. Expired food turned bad for a reason.

bye-bye uni, hello real world

2008-07-03T17:01:00.004+10:00

I've received my graduation invitation, the one that we anticipated so very much but not anymore for me. I don't feel like attending because the most important person will not be there with me. I know, I know, stop dwelling on the past and treasure those important ones around me, yada, yada, yada... But I really don't see a point of being there.

This isn't my first graduation - I had my diploma's in KL and degree's in Melbourne where we had a wonderful time together, not having any worries and no one had the faintest that any of us wouldn't be around for my next bigger graduation. We had beautiful family photos with me wearing that penguin gown; we had dinners after dinners in the name of graduation; and I got anything that I wanted because they love me too much to say no to me.

Perhaps I should attend this ceremony with mum and Dad's spirit, yet I'm not sure I can cope with it. I told mum not to come over as it's really not necessary and it's so crazily expensive here. I would rather she visits another time...

2008-06-29T03:21:00.003+10:00

Being sane isn't the sanest thing, try your very best to believe this. I was sane before I went insane. I despised myself - that's why I cried, that's why the tears paraded themselves, that's why the girls chose to be by my side but you know what - ?

I've got a brilliant mind (proud enough to say this) that is absolutely f*cked (for the sake of blog integrity, I cannot lie!). I am embarrassed about myself, I don't wanna talk about it, and for you people who are laughing out there, or those who are secretly popping a bubbly out there, it's unfortunate but I'm attempting to jump over it, so don't expect too much from me or I probably could be a downer.

Someone's acting's very convincing...

2008-06-20T02:11:00.002+10:00

Just finished packing. Was going through some of Dad's old stuff and found a stack of cards in a folder hidden in one of his briefcase. They were cards that I drew when I was as young as five/six years old. You know how kindergarten teacher made you drew cards for your parents during Father's/Mother's Day? Those were the ones. He's been keeping them all these years. I miss Him badly, the pain is back again, as severe as it was six months ago. I know He's watching me right now, wanting me to smile again but...

Last year's Father's Day, Candyman delivered a bottle of wine to Him on my behalf while I was happily spending His money in Tassie. This year I visited Him at the cemetery. He was smiling at me. I brought no gift but I thought being home with everyone was the best gift.

It's really not easy.

tell me you don't wanna kiss her...

2008-06-19T02:50:00.007+10:00

"Are you coming out later?"
"Nah, I'm not..."
"What? Why?!?"
"I'm lazy."
"Lazy? Come on..."
"I'm not coming out, you guys have fun!"

Some things have changed. Hanging out at home doing nothing is bliss. I'd rather have my long bubble bath, face mask and watch some bad TV after dinner and chatting with the women at home. I'm constantly tired even I've sleeping enough. Perhaps I've gotten glandular fever from someone, pfftt! I'm rather grumpy today, so was my little angel at home - the 'chi' wasn't right. Isn't she adorable?

...and shopping was mad-arse

2008-06-16T14:17:00.003+10:00

although there was no sale and I am not patient enough for the Singapore sale. I believe sizes and preferred colours would be out during sale anyway (my all time excuse to avoid the crowd). Shopping was double the fun after not doing it in Melbourne in the past four months. I needed work clothes but I've also bought a fair bit of casual clothes. Oh well, I bought more casual ones to be honest. I'm taking a whole new suitcase of clothes and shoes with me.

Caught up with many friends on the weekend and it was fabulous. The drinking and BIG supper on both nights had seriously contributed to my extra body weight but there's no way I'll give these up on my only weekend in KL. I'm actually thinking of extending my stay in Asia but I've not checked how much extra I've to pay. Eleana said she will pay for me as long as I stay but... Why can't I jump on the plane like scheduled for once?

traffic's been good

2008-06-14T17:49:00.004+10:00

I know this might sound bimbo or selfish but I'm happy about the petrol price. At least traffic is smooth at peak hours, I'm not kidding. I was in town yesterday to get a haircut and to shop, traffic was surprisingly pleasant. Told Jessica about it and she said it's been like that the whole week since the petrol price went up. Everything else's is rising too, sigh... bad inflation but the selfish pig in me was a little delighted with how empty the roads were.

Was shopping for work clothes but ended up buying more casual and partying clothes than work's. Spent a lot of money within the first 24 hours home and it's all worth it. Why can't Melbourne has Topshop and Zara? But if they do, others will get their hands on them too, hurhurhur...

I'm feeling so lazy, lying in bed now waiting for time to pass. Massage is in 2 hours' time and my ~~daughter~~ niece is taking her afternoon nap so I can't play with her. Oh dear, she's just too adorable, I am gonna kidnap her to Melbourne with me, shhh...

I'm a fatty

2008-06-12T16:27:00.003+10:00

I've been eating too much, I cannot imagine how it's gonna be when I am home with family. I was eating all the way from Melbourne to Darwin, then Darwin to Singapore but the food just didn't fill me up. So Candyman waited for me at the airport with a doughnut =_=" and we had big late dinner nearing bed time. Had breakfast before he went to work and yamcha for lunch 2 hours later. Now I'm having cakes. I think I've PMS. It's that time of the month.

8th

2008-06-08T17:27:00.004+10:00

A year ago this day, I returned from Hawaii with a whole new suitcase of shopping. I was a happy girl with no worries except for excess baggage and what to wear for dinner. The following night I got dropped off at the city to meet up with friends for Armin White Party, I partied like there was no worries, like it was my birthday, like it was the Queen's birthday.

Six months ago the same day, He opened his eyes for the very last time. It was off focus but I knew He saw me, and He knew I was there. He stopped breathing and everyone had to leave the room. I refused to budge, the nurse asked me to leave. The following five days were like a long dream featuring people that you'll only see at occasions as such, or perhaps, weddings.

Today, I rang mum on her mobile but like it happened all the time, no one picked up. I wanted more sleep but I couldn't. I wanna work more but I can't focus. I'm looking forward to Armin Only in six hours' time but am not sure if I'm ready. They said time heals, and I say time takes away our denials too. Denial - acceptance - healing, is that how it works?

I love zongs

2008-06-06T15:11:00.003+10:00

Too much of something is not good for you, whether it's good food or good wine but I'm one who always wants more than what I need. Serves me right, having a bad indigestion right now from zong, the glutinous rice dumpling. It's the festival this Sunday and mum sent me a text telling me to make sure I get some and eat it at home because Dad passed away 6 months ago and it's important for us to 'open up a zong' for better luck in the family. Hmm... I'm a sucker when it comes to all these traditional beliefs so I was telling Patrick about it and you know what? His aunt makes traditional Fujian-style ones. He gave me five yesterday evening and I've already taken three of them. You know how glutinous rice is difficult for digestion? Oh my, stomach was aching but better after some hot tea, still bloated though.

It's the long weekend and I don't plan to go anywhere except for June's b'day dinner and Armin. In fact, Jo and I are gonna lock ourselves in the library tonight and hopefully tomorrow in the day. I can't procrastinate anymore and home isn't the best place to work at the moment. I've been sitting at home imagining how I'm gonna redecorate my whole apartment because I've just said 'yes' to another 12 month lease. Looks like I still have a lot to do when I return from holiday.

Daniel's Masquerade Birthday Bash

2008-06-05T22:17:00.003+10:00

It was Daniel's (without -le I had learnt) 30th birthday bash at the Baroq House and it was such a great party. Everyone had their masks on and all ladies were beautifully dressed up, except for myself. I was too much of a tight arse to buy a new dress so I ended up looking like a bridesmaid *blush* However, many thought I looked more like I was in a wedding dress *double blush* Anyway, it was a great party with damn good house music pumping and bubbly flowing. June and I enjoyed every bit of the night despite we were sweating under our masks.